The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com

You ain't going to school, are you, Annie?
When I grow up—
You ain’t either, Annie. You’re going to stay here, take care of me.
I’m going to school when I grow up. You said we’d be together forever and ever and ever.
I’m going to school when I grow up, now let me be.

And that's from a powerful movie, The Miracle Worker. I recommend it. It’s the story of Helen Keller and the passion she shows: "I’m going to school." She wants her values, and nobody will stand in the way of her values. She is pursuing her dreams. She is pursuing her happiness.

With me to discuss happiness is Dr. Tara Smith. She’s a professor of philosophy at the University of Texas at Austin, and she’s the author of several books and many, many articles. Our topic today is happiness. What is happiness, Dr. Smith?

Happiness is the way you feel when your life is going well. To be a little more specific, happiness is the way you feel when the things you care about are going well, when you’re achieving your values, your ends, and they are actually contributing to your objective well-being—not only your physical health, but your emotional health, your psychological health—the all-around flourishing and nourishing of you as a human being. When things are going well and you are making progress, deepening your life and your enjoyment of life, that’s what happiness is. It’s a sort of psychological offshoot or product of what you are doing in your life. When you’re leading your life effectively, the corresponding condition that you’ll be in is happiness.

One clarification: we often talk about, "Oh, he was happy today," or "She was in a good mood." And there’s nothing wrong with that way of speaking, but the kind of happiness I’m talking about is not simply being in a good mood because you like the weather this morning or your team won the game last night. It’s not fleeting, not transient, not superficial—it’s not mere cheerfulness, though it’s nice to be cheerful, right? It’s basically the sense that your life is going as it should be going.

So it's an amazing accomplishment as opposed to a temporary feeling of happiness, like when you hear a song you like, or you finally find those chocolate cupcakes you’ve been looking for, or the book you want to read. Those are legitimate moments of happiness or joy or enjoyment, right? But that’s not what we’re addressing here. We’re addressing that happiness is the undercurrent of your life, being a happy person and achieving that.

I like that term "undercurrent," right? It’s a more constant, enduring character that your life has. Obviously, we all experience numerous ups and downs in the course of an ordinary day. So a happy person can struggle.

That girl made me unhappy, that unexpected compliment made me happy, and all sorts of variation, right? Fine, but we’re talking about the more enduring.

And can a happy person struggle or fail or feel frustrated?

Of course. We can’t control everything that happens to us in life. There’s an awful lot you do control, and your responsibility, if you want to be happy, is to do everything you can to achieve your values, to choose your values thoughtfully and wisely, and to go after them sensibly, rationally. But you can’t control what other people do that might affect you. You can’t control just nature sometimes, so sure, you can fail, particularly in the short term or temporarily. But when you fail for some reason that you couldn’t have helped and that you weren’t responsible for, it typically doesn’t affect your overall satisfaction with your life. It will be disappointing. It can be hurtful sometimes. I’m not saying you won’t suffer real things when you don’t get what you were going for, but I’m not going to question myself if I know that I was right to go after it and did what I should have been doing to try to get it.

So it doesn’t sort of challenge my sense that I am doing what I can. I am leading my life in a happy direction.

When I applied to graduate school, it was a long shot. I had been out of school for a while, Dr. Smith. I didn’t think I would get in, and I gave myself five years to get in. The first year, guess what happened?

I’ve got to interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it on Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

The first year, guess what happened? I got rejected. I failed, so to speak. But I didn’t feel like I failed. I had a different mindset. I called the school and asked them, "What are my strengths, and where do I need improvement, because I’ll be applying next year." The person who answered the phone—I still remember his name—said, "This is so great that you called. Most people just take a rejection from a university and tear it up and say, 'What’s the use? Why bother?' And you called." He told me that I needed more experience. I didn’t even know I needed clinical experience to become a clinical psychologist. I thought you got that in school. So I went back, got the experience, and got in the second year. That’s a good example of how to deal with a setback where you don’t beat up on yourself but move forward.

I’m wondering—perfect example. It’s a good example of what we’re talking about. It’s an admirable example, and it’s an example in which it seems you were driven by the fact that you really had this goal, right? You weren’t easily deterred from it, as one would quite understandably be. Most people, you know, frequently, are easily deterred. "Oh, well, I’m not good enough," "What’s the use?"

"I really want this. I think I can do it. At least, what I don’t know, I know I can find out or do to put myself in a better position to get what I want." And sure enough, here you are today, Dr. Kenner, right?

Right. Now I can hear and enjoy it. So how important is it that people are aware of their own successes on whatever scale, whether you’re dating and meeting potential partners, going back to school, or setting a goal? How important is it that people are aware of their virtues, their strengths?

Well, I think it’s very important, actually, because so much of what sustains us—as we were just saying, there are all sorts of things you can’t control, and there will be setbacks, bigger or smaller ones. Life can be discouraging at times. One of the central things that sustains us is the belief, the conviction, and the sense that "I can do this. I’m good at this. I can achieve goals. I’ve done it before. I’m still doing it." That sense of efficacy is really crucial to building the self-esteem, the self-opinion that’s going to enable you to not just fold up the tent as soon as you get that first rejection letter and say, "Well, I have to change my plans." That’s the kind of thing that tells you, "Yeah, life doesn’t always work out immediately, easily, the way you’d most desire, but with effort, cause and effect, I can do things that will make it much more likely I’ll get what I want."

So I think it’s very important that we feed ourselves—realistically, completely realistically—but that we feed ourselves and acknowledge what we’re doing right because that both helps us feel good about ourselves and genuinely strengthens us to try some more. We try in sensible, rational ways that have a good chance of ultimately propelling those goals and the happiness we want.

As you’re talking, I’m thinking it’s a very good strategy for people to keep a journal—not a journal where they’re always criticizing themselves, like, "I can’t believe I did that," but a journal where they train their minds to notice their own strengths and their good choices.

Yes, because that also fuels the belief that, "If I think I’m pretty good at this, then I’m worthy of some ambitious goals," right? You’ll set goals more appropriately the more positively you view yourself. Now, again, throughout, you want to be realistic. Once in a while, you do something you shouldn’t have done, were lazy about something. But it’s only by being honest with yourself about that that you can reconsider: "If I really want to do this, that means I’m going to have to not be lazy," right?

I know we’re right at the end of time here. I think we also need to focus on the strengths of our kids, for those of us who have kids. And I want to mention that if you want more information about Dr. Tara Smith, you can find it. She’s written several books and a wonderful pamphlet, Money Can Buy Happiness. You can go to Amazon.com, and of course, you can go to my website, DrKenner.com. Thank you so much for joining us today, Dr. Tara Smith.

Thank you very much for having me.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologists Dr. Kenner and Dr. Locke:

Look at what a potential partner likes or doesn’t like in the arts: greatness, mediocrity, or depravity. Ask what this person aspires to, and observe if there’s any action taken toward these goals. Note how this person views their work: are they passionate about it, or is it just a job? Do they resent the responsibility of earning a living? See whom this person chooses for friends—admirable individuals or people who are empty or just no good? Romantic partners don’t have to, and should not, share all values. It would be boring to marry a near replica of yourself. You want your soulmate to be another self, but only in a fundamental sense, not in every detail.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.