The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com

Mike, welcome to the show.

Hi, hi. What's your question?

I don't know. How many people find themselves married to somebody for like, 30 years, and then they give in, you know, you're teens, and about halfway in the last 15 years, and you're busy and stuff, and one of you decides to start with somebody else, but you don't, they don't give up the marriage, and then the other person doesn't really decide to file a divorce. And it keeps on going after 14 years, and now they've been with somebody for half of that time.

Okay, is this your relationship?

Yeah, okay, um, you've been married then for 30 years. And 15 years into the marriage, one of you had an affair, and the other filed for divorce, but you never got divorced.

That was, she was the one with the affair, but I never, I filed for the divorce finally, 20 years, 28 years into it, but we never did finalize it.

Okay, so what are the benefits of staying with your wife?

You know what? I've had a lot of health problems, and I just haven't had a chance, really, to get around to more with my life. But I think a lot of it starts to do with the negative. You know, just there's a lot of depression involved.

Okay, so you're depressed. What? What type? Just give me a snapshot of the type of health problems that you have, not in any detail. Is it heart problems or drinking problems?

I don't know if you're familiar with sleep apnea, but, okay, it's taken its toll on me. I've been trying to and back problems. I had an accident back in 1978 and in the early 90s, I ended up having to be on disability and as a result, between sleep apnea and not being all that active.

Okay, what do you do during your days? If you're on disability?

I'm going to school full-time.

Oh, what are you studying?

Well, for the third time, it's like I said, if you're familiar with that, I'm taking the statistics trying to get that so I can finish the psychology degree.

Okay, and what would you like to do with it?

Maybe work with the county, I don't know, probation department, something like that.

Okay, with what part in the county, with maybe the probation, or, you know, doing counseling with the public, of course. I mean, there's plenty of need for people with backgrounds with, you know, working with the county, with kids and well, and adults.

Okay, when you think of yourself getting off of disability and going back and doing some counseling, how do you feel?

Oh, that's my dream. Right now. It has been for a long time.

Okay, then you want to ask nightmare, because I can't, I can't do the statistics with concentration and memory. I don't know. You know, how statistic does, you need to it's like a logic class. It's not a math class.

Okay? It can be taught. I learned statistics. I went in with statistics phobia. I told my professor that I did very poorly on my first test, and then I just became tenacious. I studied and studied and studied. I taped his classes. I went home, I listened to them again, I went over the material. I got A’s in statistics. And not that I loved it, but you can do it if you just put in the effort and get some tutoring, or get some of these easy workbooks that I got on the side that are just a few bucks, so you can take them out of the library.

So let me tell you where I'm going, why I went from your marriage into counseling, and that's that if you don't love yourself, if you don't love your own life, if you're just sitting home with back problems and sleep apnea, and you're taking statistics, but you don't feel competent in it, then you will feel depressed, and you will not feel any energy to leave the marriage or find another partner. And so, number one, you want to make yourself lovable, someone that you enjoy living with and, and that's fundamental. So you want to pursue your goals. If it's if statistics is the next step for you, oh, put your heart and mind into it and really study. Do well in it. Show yourself like I did that. You can do it, even if you get a C or a D in it, it's still you passed it, you know. And you can shoot, okay, but, but you want to work hard on that, because that's going to give you a sense of self-respect and competency, which you desperately need if you've been on disability. I've seen disability ruin more people. I think it's a bad thing, because if you still have the ability to work productively, I think it's much better to get off the disability and then you’ll have more energy to deal with. What do you want to do with the relationship? Because right now it sounds like you're desperate. You're dependent on your wife. You don't want to leave, whereas if you feel more competent, then you can assess the relationship and see if you can re-knit the relationship with her. You could read The Sex-Starved Marriage, which talks about relationships in general, not just the sexual aspect. And that may help, since there was an affair involved, and see if you can re-knit it. There's a book, and these are on my website, DrKenner.com, and there's a book After the Affair that you also may want to revisit, and that's also on my website. That's by Dr. Spring. Thank you so much for your call.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner:

I know what Bird is going through. It's the loneliest feeling in the world. It's like walking down an empty street listening to your own footsteps. But all you have to do is knock on any door and say, if you'll let me in, I'll live the way you want me to live, and I'll think the way you want me to think, and all the blinds will go up and all the doors will open, and you'll never be lonely ever again.

I love that. That is Spencer Tracy from Inherit the Wind. And if you've not seen that movie and you want an uplifting movie, go see that movie. It is, I'm not saying go see it, but rent it. It is fabulous. And the whole idea of owning your own life requires your integrity, your independence, you're coming to independent conclusions. Please listen, you've got to think for yourself. You're all individuals. Yes, I'm not saying you're coming to independent conclusions about what you value in life. It's using your mind well, and the alternative is to ditch your mind and just go by any grab bag of ideas that you've heard over your lifetime from your family, the church, the culture that your school, and you don't really make sense of your world and you haven't done any independent questioning and thinking on fundamental questions like, Is it my life or not, or am I making myself into—am I feeling resentful and hostile and bitter, and I'm always doing for other people and never for myself, and not that I want to run roughshod over other people, but I want a life, and if you want that life, I highly recommend going to my website and getting the book The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged. They are, they will have the potential to turn your life around if you want to be happy, if you want to think clearly and really embrace your own life.

For more, Dr. Kenner podcast, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner:

Another virtue that makes you lovable is honesty. Honesty is the refusal to fake reality. It is essential in a romantic relationship. Without it, you cannot have trust, which means you cannot rely on the character of your partner. How many times have you heard unhappy partners say, "I can't trust her," or "He broke my trust?" People typically lie for temporary gain in the hope that by denying reality, they can temporarily recreate it based on their wishes. But it can't be done, and you can't escape knowing that fact, even if you can deceive your partner temporarily, you are making yourself unlovable, and privately, you will not admire yourself.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy the book on Amazon.com if you wish.