The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and @amazon.com.

Matthew, you have a problem with anger?
Yes, yeah. Tell me what's going on.
I just learned a lot of pressure at home. We're going for foreclosure. I got talked into a home that I didn't want to buy. This is way over our head. My wife maxed out the credit card. I have so much anger that I don't know what to do. Sometimes it's okay, and then I'm out of control. How do I control this thing? What do you do when you're out of control?

And I had domestic violence charges two years ago. Okay? I slammed the car door, and it hit her arm. She called the police, so I had to go through an anger management class.

What did you learn from that? What personally seemed to hit home that helped you?
I don't even remember.

Okay, did you kind of zone out during it because it was mandatory?
Yeah, it was more mandatory.

Okay, so this is very different now because right now you're seeking help, rather than it being slapped on you as a sentence, right?
Right. So I need some... I’m calling right now because I'm angry.

Right now, you're angry, yeah?
And I don’t want to end up in jail, and I don’t want to end up at anger management class for a year. Okay, so what do I do to divert the anger?

First, you need to understand what anger is, and then I want to help you give some skills. Number one, anger means that your mind is detecting that something's not fair, and you've already named several things. My guess is you could make a whole page full of things that are not fair or you're perceiving as not fair. Right now, the foreclosure, having bought a home you didn’t want, your wife having maxed out the credit cards, you're saying it's not fair. I'm in a position that I don’t want to be in at this point in my life. I'm assuming you're thinking along those lines, right?

I can’t even find a job, you know?

Okay, so look at all the stressors that are on your shoulders right now. Can you name two or three other stressors just so I get a picture of it?
Well, my...

What?
The closest of my daughter is gone.

What?
I was close with my daughter.

I’m not hearing that word.
I was close with my daughter.

Yeah, and right now there’s no trust, and we're not close anymore because of the last three years and the outbursts of anger. You know, when you're upset at your mom, that's all you see. You don't know what's going on behind the scenes.

Okay, so you've lost that. You've lost your relationship with your daughter, and that depresses you.

And my guess is that it depresses her too, even if she’s putting you at arm’s length and making it seem like she doesn’t value you. If you ever had any good moments together, both of you are missing each other, and that’s really sad.

Anger is something you can deal with. You could go to a sliding scale therapist in your area. Do you know what that is? They won't charge as much? Or if you can, you could even Google anger management for free advice. I can give you some tips. There are anger management workbooks. One is on my website, DrKenner.com, that actually walks you through a bunch of skills. One of the things you’ll learn to do is to put yourself on pause—P-A-U-S-E, like using a remote control when you're feeling angry. It buys your mind some time. Because if you just go by your knee-jerk reaction, you know what happens. You just slam the car door, correct?

So if you buy yourself time, it allows you whether you take a walk, or whether you simply go in the bathroom, close the door, and sit on the toilet, you know, just something to buy some time, or take a ride. But be careful if you tend to drive angrily, don’t take a ride. Walk the dog if you have a dog, you know, just do something to put space between you and the anger, to buy yourself some thinking time, cooling down time, processing time.

So that’s number one. If you know any relaxation techniques, that will help. Sometimes some deep breathing, muscle relaxation, or even sitting down. When people are angry, do they tend to sit down and get angry? Isn’t that fascinating? They tend to stand up and get in your face. And I'm only giving you a little sampler of many anger management skills. Eventually, you’ll want to work with somebody. If you don’t have the money, you could use an anger management workbook. There’s a Dr. Weisinger anger workout book, that’s the name of it, that’s on my website. I mentioned that before, DrKenner.com.

But eventually, you’re going to want to...

Hey, I’ve got to interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back. Romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship.
Well, I wish I knew more about what I want.
Where’s that ad I saw?
Here it is, The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it @Amazon.com.
Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting, but...

Eventually, you’re going to want to get to your specific thoughts—what’s driving your anger? Because underneath every emotion is a thought process. It’s not fair. Why am I in this situation? They should respect me, or I can’t believe this is happening to me. It’s not fair. The theme of anger is an injustice. It feels like it’s not fair.

Instead of acting on your anger, which compounds it, acting with your old coping strategy, which is just to kind of vomit the anger... Are you with me still? Matt, you know, just let it all out? I’m using the word vomit, but you know, let it all out. Instead of doing that, if you give yourself a menu of other things you can do besides that—take the walk—but if you think productively, how can I learn to connect better with my daughter? What would be the very next step I could take? You could work with a therapist on that. You could try to find a cognitive therapist. Cognitive is an dressed-up word for thinking therapist. You can put on little cards your different problems—one is foreclosure, one is the credit card, one is the job, and one is your daughter—and you could try to say, “There’s no way I’m on overload. I can’t deal with all these four things at one time. I can’t look at how big they are. They’re huge, they’re enormous.”

But I would like you to have a 60-year perspective. How old are you now?
I’m 50 years old.

You’re 50. If you were 60 or 70 years old, looking back on your life, how would you wish you had handled it at this point? You want some strategies that will work towards your long-range happiness, not work against it. And lashing out in anger, you already know, complicates your life. It adds one more little card with a problem, right?
Right?
Yeah, actually, a big card.

So, I don’t know, did you get the name of that workbook?
Yeah, I did.

Okay, and I would really try to focus on one or two things you like about yourself and better moments in your life, so that you have a mental anchor and some grounding, so that you don’t beat up on yourself. Because anger really intensifies when we beat up on ourselves, and it paralyzes our mind so we can’t problem-solve. Instead of problem-solving, we’re saying, “Oh, I’m such an idiot. I can’t believe I let this happen to my life.” And you hear what’s called “stinking thinking,” you know? That’s what we do to ourselves.

But while we’re doing our stinking thinking, we’re not saying, “How can I connect with my daughter?” Okay, foreclosure’s upon me, or I’m upset with my wife. What would be the next step that would work us more towards resolving this issue? And you work one little step at a time, because nobody can deal with the whole mess.

Alright, okay, listen, thank you so much for your call, and I wish you a lot of success. You can always touch base with a therapist. If they’re a university-based therapist, sometimes they don’t cost much, or sometimes nothing at all.
Okay, thank you.
Okay. Thank you, Matthew.

For more, Dr. Kenner podcast, go to DrKenner.com. Please listen to this.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner.

Another virtue that makes you lovable is justice. Justice means appraising and acting toward other people in accordance with facts, treating them as they deserve. Justice is reason applied to your relationship with others. It is based on what Ayn Rand calls the trade-off principle. The very foundation of love is a trait you offer your virtue in other attributes in return for those of your partner. Justice demands showing appropriate appreciation for your partner's character and actions and making them feel visible. It also means making sincere apologies when you have hurt or wronged them. In healthy romantic relationships, partners must practice the principle of justice, or else resentments build, and relationships deteriorate.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book @Amazon.com.