The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DoctorKenner.com

Martha, your guy friend is having some difficulty expressing emotions.
Yes.

It seems like because of the childhood—with just being raised by a single mom—he's kind of unable to express his feelings, and what I wanted to ask is if there is any reading material for him that can help him not only learn techniques on how to express his feelings, but also maybe any side effects that his body or brain will go through if he doesn't.

When you talk about expressing emotions... your emotions are your response to values—the things that you value or disvalue in life—a threat to a value. For example, what's something you love?

I love my kid.

Your kid.

My daughter.

Your daughter. When your daughter does something—how old is she?

I have one that is 15 and one that is 12.

So when they do something where you guys are really having a great time together, whether it's with your 15-year-old or 12-year-old or both, and you just feel like this is the way life should be, it's—we're having so much fun today—you can feel inside that your emotions are not sadness, they're not guilt, they're not anger. It's what? What's the emotional response?

I would say love, happiness.

It's love and happiness and just—it’s the achievement of a value.

On the other hand, if one of them were to call you a name, or you're having a bad day—a bad kid day, not a bad hair day, but a bad kid day—what emotions might you feel?

Possibly anger or just—

Right—anger, if you think that they did something wrong. It's the anger—it's the emotion that tells you it's not fair. And you might feel guilty—maybe you did something you feel badly about. You might feel sad because you don't have that wonderful connection you had the day before. And so emotions are like... when you think of breathing—or if you think of pain and pleasure—if somebody rubs your arm, it's different than somebody trying to break it. Your emotions are the counterpart psychologically. They give you feedback about your relationship to your own values.

Many people have tried to deaden their values. They think it's selfish to pursue their loving relationship with their kids or a hobby that they love—if they love horseback riding or a career that they love—they feel they always have to serve in soup kitchens rather than have a wonderful career that they love, which may be dressmaking or designing or building. So people are afraid to go after their own values.

Does he—how long have you been with him?

No, he's just a friend. I've known him for probably a year.

Okay, so he's a friend. What attracted you to him?

Hey, I’ve got to interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Do you ever feel overlooked in your romantic relationships? Well, when it comes to love, sometimes it's good to be selfish. Find out why in the provocative book The Selfish Path to Romance. Being selfish means valuing yourself so your partner will value you. Discover the secrets to keeping yourself front and center in your relationship and building a romance that will last.

Find The Selfish Path to Romance by Doctors Ellen Kenner and Edwin Locke on Amazon or at SelfishRomance.com. That's The Selfish Path to Romance on Amazon or SelfishRomance.com.

You've been with him for how long?

No, he's just a friend. I've known him for probably a year.

Okay, so he's a friend. What attracted you to him?

Well, he's a wonderful person as a friend, and he is—he's a very smart, bright guy. And he is also very spiritual, so we share the same belief.

Okay, when you say spiritual, what do you mean? Like...

We have the same faith, we—you know, the church that we attend to—we have the same belief in that.

What does it tell you about going after wonderfully selfish values? Does it say go out and have a great time? Does it encourage you to love things in life—your values—or does it have more of an overcast and overshadow of guilt? A lot of religions promote guilt.

No, I think that it does encourage you to go after the things that are important to you.

Let me recommend the books, just so I don't forget to do that. In terms of expressing values—oh, I think I would recommend—he said he's intelligent?

He's a man. He's honest, yeah.

If he's intelligent, if his mind is actively searching, and if he wants to do this, I would recommend Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand, because you are going to see—he will see—such a range of emotions in that.

Can you tell me the name again?

Yeah, it's Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand—A-Y-N R-A-N-D. It's on my website, DrKenner.com, okay? But he will see heroes and heroines, and he'll see them express a whole range of emotions, and it is just fiery. It's wonderful.

Also being in—being in places that he would enjoy where people are expressing emotions—if it’s a baseball game, if that's what he loves—sports—well, maybe he could practice just saying, “Yeah!” I was never anybody that was vocal in those events until my son started ballroom dancing, and I found a voice that came from my belly that I didn't know I had.

So you can—and then I never was one that could do a shoulder shimmy—you know those little sexy moves? I don't know if you dance at all. And I went to a class called Zumba, and I've seen a lot of dance things, and my gosh, without even thinking of it, just watching people and just seeing what they were doing, I got the feeling of it. It wasn't that I studied it in a book, but I actually got the feeling of how to move and how to jiggle.

And you look real odd at the beginning, but you can enjoy it.

So I would recommend that. If you want a therapy book, there are some books on my website. One is that one. One is Mind Over Mood—just so you want him to express the moods. But it explains emotions fairly well. Okay?

And if he holds in his emotions, it's like holding in your breath. You're not breathing life.

But if he's intelligent, my guess is that he couldn't get that far without having some interest—whether it's history or science or math or whatever field he's in—if he allows himself to really milk the joy of those and let the emotions come out, that's wonderful.

He also could get some therapy if he wants it. Again, you can't change him. I know you're a friend just kind of holding his hand on the side, but you can be a good role model for him.

And therapy—I would always recommend cognitive therapy, and that's AcademyOfCT.org.

One last thing you can do—you don't want to not express emotions, because you will feel like your life is a flatline. You'll get to your grave never having lived your life, and you don't want to do that.

So you're right in encouraging him, but I would take any little expression of emotion—like any little shoulder shimmy counts. And the same with expressing your emotions—every little “Hey, that's good” counts.

So okay, listen, I wish you a lot of success—or him a lot of success—with that, and hopefully it will enrich your friendship too, as he gets more open.

Here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner:

It’s all because of me and my old man. He—he’s like this—he’s like this mindless machine that I can’t even relate to anymore.

Andrew, you’ve got to be number one! I won’t tolerate any losers in this family. Win! Win! Win!

You know, sometimes I wish my knee would give, and I wouldn’t be able to wrestle anymore, and he could forget all about me.

And that’s from The Breakfast Club.

And don’t you want that kid to be able to say to his father, “Cut it out! I am not wrestling ever again. It is not my value. It is yours. You had your chance to have your values in life. This is my time, and I’m going to”—whatever he wants to do—“play tenors” or do something else.

It’s very hard for kids to have that courage to speak up, but that’s what you want to be able to do.

Sometimes when you have a highly abusive parent, you do need to focus on safety and not provoking the parent—or calling the authorities. But you can’t avoid provoking them to the point of destroying yourself if they’re highly irrational. You want to get some outside help—whether it’s a counselor or therapist or sometimes the authorities—because it is your life, not your father’s.

And if your father has based his self-esteem on you winning in wrestling or in anything else in life, that’s a mistake that the father is making—but a very costly one for himself and for you.

And you want to focus on yourself and figure out what’s best for you. You want the psychological independence.

And if you have not read The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand—A-Y-N R-A-N-D—I highly recommend it in terms of trying to find yourself—being your own person. And that’s at my website, DrKenner.com.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad:

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner:

It can be legitimately upsetting if you are not a top priority in your partner's hierarchy of values. Suppose your spouse loves hiking and mountain climbing and spends all of his or her spare time in those activities, leaving little time for you. The situation makes a successful romantic relationship unlikely.

However, there is no right amount of time you should spend with your loved one. Partners have different preferences and tolerances. Some need time alone, and others need a lot of contact. If one or both partners feels neglected or abandoned, this will be a source of conflict.

Resolving the conflict requires that partners discuss their preferences, communicate frankly and openly, and come to a mutually satisfactory agreement—and then strive to keep it.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com