The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com

Donna, you're worried that your daughter is an alcoholic, yes?

Yeah.

How old is she?

She'll be 21 in November.

So she's 20. Is she living with you?

No, she's going to college in Tallahassee.

And how far away is that from you?

About seven hours.

Okay, so she's got her independence.

Yeah, well, I was up there a few months ago trying to get—you know, because I heard from my other daughter what was going on.

Okay, what's going on? In a nutshell, what do you hear?

Oh, that she's passing out and sleeping around. And recently, just the other day, she was so drunk, she was peeing in her pants, and someone told me that was alcohol poisoning. I'm not sure if that’s the case.

And as a parent, if she's 20, is she of legal age there, right?

Yes.

So what say do you have? What type of relationship do you have with her? Because you don't have any legal say, right? Unless she's totally incompetent, unless you have a doctor declaring her incompetent, then you have more say, but she's going to resist you. So what's your connection with her?

See, she's not very close to me right now, because, I mean, I'm just on to her so much. You know, she's closer to her father. And you know—

Father an alcoholic?

He was. He was, and his grandfather was. And you know, she knows all this, and she's just in denial. When I was there, I told her, I said, I'm not leaving unless you go for help or around Courtney in rehab, and she said that she didn't like how she was acting. She was going to quit, but she hasn't. My other daughter, you know, she's still drinking and sleeping around.

Okay. So she's potentially playing with fire. Is she driving too while she's drinking?

Well, most of the time she calls my daughter, sorry, to—you know, she has somebody else to bring her, I mean, to bring her home.

So she's smart that way, she will get a designated driver, right? Get somebody else. So your daughter's involved in her life. Is your daughter close to her—your other daughter?

Well, no, she actually is very upset with her because she's told us stuff, you know, and, you know, told on her about her drinking. So she was really upset with her, but I told her, you know, hopefully you would have done the same thing if she was in trouble and—I mean, they're talking now. I mean, they live together, but they’re moving separate now because of this. It’s too much on the other one.

What would you like to do? You want to know if she's an alcoholic? First, I know that's your first question. I'll answer that in a second. The second question—what would you like to do?

To know how to help her. I mean, I know I can't—I can't force her to go in rehab, I guess, because of her age.

Okay, here’s the big thing. You can't force a mind. You can reach out to her. You can remind her of her better moments in life, of her successes. Because people usually drink for what reason in the present? They feel really upset about something in their life. Something's out of control. They're making bad decisions—or, and they said, it’s called many times, self-medication.

Well, I know what it is. Yeah, her boyfriend broke up with her.

Oh, how long ago?

A year ago, and she started going downhill ever since.

And she doesn't have—when did—is that when she started drinking? She didn't have a problem before then?

Oh no, she didn’t drink. Well, she didn’t party. She was just the perfect child. And this—and she says she's over him, and she doesn't think that's the problem.

So do you think there could be something else going on that you're not aware of?

I feel deep down—because they were together for four years—and she said she was, in two days, she cried for like two days, and after that she said she was fine. She was over it, and I’m sorry—you don't get over it in two days.

A smart mom.

You're a—you're a smart mom, yeah, because you do not get over it. So she may be self-medicating. She may be dulling the pain of rejection and not wanting to take a closer look at it. And of course, to refuse to face your fears, you're going to assume that the worst is true, right?

He was a virgin too. They didn't have—you know, she was waiting.

So now she’s playing the field, maybe getting back at him in her mind, or who knows what. In terms of your first question—whether she’s alcoholic—

Hey, I got to interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick—and then Donna, we’ll be back.

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In terms of your first question—whether she’s alcoholic—if she's got the slurred speech, if she's drinking, if she's peeing the way you're saying, passing out, sleeping around—she definitely has an alcohol problem. Yeah. And you what? You definitely want to help her with it. But you can't help her by threatening her. That doesn't work.

Right. If you say to her, “Honey, my guess is that it's really hard for you to manage something. You're hurting someplace.” Try to find out where her hurt is. “You're hurting someplace. I know I've threatened you, and I love you so much, and it's so sad—you're hurting. I don't know where you're hurting, whether it's something with our family or the relationship, and you may tell me no, but privately, in your own mind, it may help to figure out where you're hurting and to get some help for yourself, because you want to love your life. And right now, you're making some choices that are not going in that direction. And I remember when you were a kid, you had—you wanted to become a [fill in the blank], whatever it was. And I don't want any guy—whether it's this guy—to destroy my daughter's life. So I want to be here. Tell me how I can help you, honey.”

You know, you can try reaching out to her. You can also look up on how to reach out to somebody who has an alcohol problem. You know, to do some more research. I know you did that by calling me. You can get some books. Cognitive Behavioral therapists are excellent.

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