The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download Chapter One for free at DoctorKenner.com and we'll welcome Cindy right now.

Cindy, you're wondering why women get involved, emotionally involved in relationships before men so much more quickly.

It seems like, Doctor, I've been seeing a guy for about a month, and we've taken—it's progressed along very nicely. And it seems like now, after a month, I'm just way more into this relationship, I guess, emotionally, than he is. He can be very standoffish, not call—well basically not call. And I hate to be the one to call him, you know what I mean?

So you feel like you're the pursuer in the relationship, and he's the distancer. He's cool, he's back.

And it's funny, because I had been that way. It's been equally that way up until last night, when the relationship went to the next level.

Okay, so you made love?

Yes, we did.

Okay, so at that point, the meaning of making love for you means what?

Well, I think a whole lot more emotions are probably involved for me than for a guy. I would think so.

What goes through your mind when you're—I don't mean all of the graphic details, obviously—but what type of emotional connection are you feeling to allow yourself to cross that line with this guy you're with?

I think that's exactly it—that there is an emotional connection. And up until then, there has been a connection, you know, as far as getting along, communication, and that's what took it to the next level. And so now, by taking that next step, I'm almost ready—you know, I don't want to say for a commitment, but for more of a commitment, if you will. You know, emotionally almost.

So you would like—where you're at right now—the meaning for crossing the border and moving into sexual intimacy for you means: I like you a whole lot. I value you a lot. I want to share my body with you. And for him, you want it to mean the exact same thing for him, so that he gets on the phone in the morning and calls you and says, “Oh gosh, honey, wasn’t that wonderful?” And you get the “honey.” I remember the first time my husband called me “honey.” Oh my god. I was all smiles, all warm inside. It was wonderful.

So you want that reciprocated.

It would have been nice, yes, to get a phone call today saying, “Boy, yesterday was really great, and last night was the topper.” And you know what? It just didn’t come.

Okay. So it's not that all men are that way. In fact, when my husband heard your question, he goes, “I don't think I was that way.” You know, he didn’t feel that way. So it's just that you're learning more about the man that you're currently with. You collect data on a person—I don’t mean that you have an Excel spreadsheet—but you emotionally make note of what you value in a person, and what are the red flags in a person.

How old are you?

He's how old?

He’s 44. First marriage for either of you?

Do either of you have a history of being married?

He's been married once. I’ve been married twice, but my last marriage ended like seven years ago.

So you’ve been looking for a partner since then, or is this brand new for you?

I don’t want to say looking, but I've been in a couple of relationships since then.

And the men—have you had the same pattern?

No, I don’t think so. But the last one, it ended a while ago, yeah. So it’s almost kind of hard to even remember how the beginning of it was.

But you would like a romantic partnership. And this guy, up until last night, was getting grades of B or A in your book, and as of last night, he flunked a test?

Well no, last night—last night he passed.

Oh! Last night he passed.

Okay, that’s nice to know. And he seemed to have all smiles too?

Yeah.

Okay. Sometimes men don’t—and I don’t mean just men—but some, it could be the case that—

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is—The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download Chapter One for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Huh, The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

Sometimes men don’t—and I don’t mean just men—but some, it could be the case that he does not know how to share emotional intimacy with you. That’s definitely a skill. You need skills to show how you value one another, and people have different needs you may need to meet.

I would have wanted the same thing. I would have wanted, Cindy, for the person I was with to have called me and said, “Oh god, wasn’t that great? Yeah, I can’t wait to see you,” right? Do it again. And that electric, that charge, that tingly feeling that you can carry with you and you forget—the rest of the world just kind of fades away.

Exactly.

You’re in love, and you want more of that. Well, number one, you want to make sure he communicates. Does he communicate openly?

Pretty much. I mean, all of this last night kind of happened—I mean, I don’t think—I certainly wasn’t expecting it the way it led up. But yeah, I mean, we haven’t communicated really about our relationship, you know? I mean, it’s been more casual. We see each other a couple, three times a week.

And this is the first time—did you initiate the sex? Or did he?

He did.

He did. Okay, that’s nice. And see, here’s another difficulty—that for him, he seemed to enjoy it. Men can get aroused much more easily. People know that by now. Although at the age of 47, they may need a little pill—44—you know, you’re 47—they need that more and more. But when he’s making love to you—I have no idea what it seemed like. It went very well last night. I don’t know how he processed it in the morning.

I know the first time I made love—I don’t know why I’m sharing this on the air, but Melissa, it may be too much information—but I remember the guy, the next morning, said to me that he felt so guilty. He felt awful. And you know how that made me feel?

That's funny.

Pretty small.

Probably.

I felt really small. I was so elated. I was ready to marry him. We’d been dating for a while, and I was like waiting, waiting, waiting. This was so wonderful. And you know, you give up your virginity for what—for someone to say, “I feel really badly about that.” It’s like—the guy’s not supposed to do that. The woman’s supposed to do that.

Yeah, we’re supposed to have the guilt.

So what I would recommend is—here’s one possibility. One thing is that afterwards he thought about it—maybe he thought it’s moving too fast. Maybe he had some flashbacks, remembering his first marriage and some of the difficulties he had back then.

Intimacy—sex—is so important that what I recommend is both of you talk about what your needs are. If you lay a guilt trip on him, it will undermine the relationship. If you say, “Why didn’t you call me?”—and I know you didn’t say you were going to do that—but if you said to him, if you call him and guide him a little, “You know, it was so good last night. Tell me your thoughts. How was it for you?” You know, just trying to get some feedback of what it felt like for him. And then you say, “Were there any negatives? Was there a downside for you?” Give him an opportunity to talk.

And he may say no initially, and then say, “Well, tell me if there are any.” Open. You're encouraging both of you to be able to talk about sex.

So I would definitely try to help him open up about that, because you don’t want to have a big question mark in your mind—“Is he the right guy?” or “What did I do last night?”

So listen, I wish you a lot of success with that.

Well, thank you so much.

Oh, thank you for calling.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner:

It's just that it's bugging me—this “cool” thing. I mean, what is it? How do you get it? Who doesn't have it, and who decides who doesn’t have it? What is the essence of cool?

Not sure, but you need a thing, one thing nobody else has.

What do I have?

An exciting, new obsession.

I know I'm right about this. I'm on the track. Just need to find my thing.

And I remember being in seventh grade, and I was definitely not cool. I had bangs that were in my eyes, and my hair was a mess, and my clothes were real dowdy. I didn’t have it put together. I didn’t know what cool was or how to connect with people.

By eighth grade, I looked adorable. I had grown a little bit. You know, when you go through that awkward period, things grow at different rates and whatever. And at that point, I felt more at ease in my own body and more comfortable with myself, but I still was making an error—the same error that Xander was making here in the TV show Buffy—in that thinking that you have to be cool. And that’s the wrong question to ask.

It's, “How can I enjoy my life? What will make it richer?” Not “How can I impress people? How can I intimidate people?” Because that’s what “How can I be cool?” means.

But if you're focused on “How to make my life interesting”—if that’s the question guiding you—you’re much more likely to be successful, because you can never be cool. The whole focus is just focused on what other people think of you. And that’s what I work so hard in therapy to help people switch—that focus—to self-valuing, to valuing their own life, and to not worrying. To be able to dance and not worry who's looking at you. That type of feel.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad:

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke:

Having sex out of self-sacrificial duty when you're tired is guaranteed to take the joy out of sex. At the same time, letting intimacy fade away due to fatigue can undermine a relationship. Partners sometimes allow their work to take over their lives, forgetting that they will have no energy for affection or lovemaking at the end of a long day.

Sex is too important a pleasure and too crucial for promoting intimacy to be put on the back burner. If you show indifference to your partner’s sexual pleasure, you are showing indifference to your partner.

If either of you suffers from fatigue, discuss ways to ease the burden.

You can download Chapter One for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com