The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and at Amazon.com

And right now, we're going to turn to the phones and welcome Mickey. Mickey, your husband's depressed?

Oh, my boyfriend. Yeah, I've been with him for about a year and a half. Yeah, he's got a real, real severe case of depression. And I was just wondering where I would go to start looking for help. I don't know where to start.

Okay, well, I'm going to ask you a few questions first. How old?

He's 28 years old.

What does he do for a living?

Drives a tow truck.

A tow truck. And on a scale of zero to 10— I know you can't answer for him, but just guessing—10 being the best, how do you think he feels about driving a tow truck for a living?

He's a 10. He loves it.

Yeah? Oh, he loves his job. Okay. Then when someone tells me a person is depressed, the first thing I would check is the medical. Has he had his thyroid checked?

No.

Oh, he's got to get to a doctor. Because sometimes I've seen people who are very depressed, and they go from therapist to therapist, they try different therapy medications, and it just is hypothyroidism. They just have—maybe...

Maybe my question would be, like, do you know, like, a hotline or something where I could find a doctor for him?

Where do you live?

In Pompano Beach, Florida. Fort Lauderdale.

Okay, you're going to have a medical society. But better yet, do you have insurance?

No. Not... well, he will. He— with his job. It will be a couple months, but to the point where he needs it now.

Yeah, I would actually call your medical society. You can look in the phone book in Pompano or you can Google it and call tomorrow and try to see if they have any sliding-scale doctors that he could go to. Or sometimes teaching hospitals will take on clients—patients—for a much reduced fee.

But let me ask you a few more questions. So that's what you can do in terms of taking action. And you may be able to— you can also call... that would be for the medical, to rule out thyroid problems. If he hasn't seen— you've got to rule out not just thyroid, but anything that mimics depression that happens to be a biological cause. Once the medical doctor says, “Listen, we've run all the tests on you, you've got a clean bill of health, it's psychological,” well, if it's psychological, then you would go to a therapist.

And I would recommend seeing a cognitive therapist. It's a website: Academy of CT, for Cognitive Therapy.

So what would the website be?

Academy of CT...

Of CT.org.

And you're right—you can go to my website, DrKenner.com—D-R-K-E-N-N-E-R.com—and get more information on depression and the rest, and get books that I recommend. But the big question, if he came into my office, I would say to—I would ask him...

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills—30 seconds, that's it, a very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is—The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm. The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

But the big question—if he came into my office, I would say to—I would ask him, “What is the biggest loss in your life right now?” What do you think his is?

Kids.

Tell me about that.

His mother had them taken away by DHS.

Okay. Why?

He's fighting—because drugs.

Drugs. Okay. You’re whispering them. What—he was doing drugs?

They were both. And, well, they were living with her, and she got them taken away, and he's been trying—

Before you go on—back when you say “they were,” depression’s mom and dad were both doing—your husband and your—not your husband—your boyfriend was doing drugs, right?

Right. And they separated, but she got the kids taken away, and he's been fighting this battle for two years trying to get them back.

And how old are the kids?

They are three and two. Three... two and three years old.

Okay. He's been fighting it for two years, and it's just gotten to the point where he's in such a deep depression that he doesn't want to do anything. All he wants to do is sleep. He doesn't want to go anywhere. He just wants to stay at home.

Okay. A cognitive therapist—see, when you say “depressed,” this sounds like a clear therapy case. But still, I would go to a medical doctor. I always like to have that ruled out, that there’s some other cause.

But if he is throwing in the towel, with a value as high as his kids, and just giving up, that could cause a pretty significant depression.

And you’re staying with him because you love him? Or what? What's it like for you?

I've known him for seven years. We've been together for a year and a half.

Yeah. No drugs now, huh?

No, no. Everything’s gotten a lot better since, you know, for the last year and a half. But he's still—the depression’s just—just... I guess I can see it because I've been there, because—I don't know—I’ve been in a situation, not with the kids' thing, but I've been where he is, and I just—I don’t know how to help him. Because when he wakes up in the morning, he doesn’t want to be alive.

Oh, he's suicidal?

Some—not... but he doesn't—he does—he’s not active.

He's passive. Right. Here’s what—there’s a book on my website: Choosing to Live, which both of you can read. When you feel like you've got such a significant loss that you can't go on, what I help clients do is recognize that, yes, it's very bad, and yes, in this case, he has some guilt—he did lose the children because he was using drugs.

Right.

Right. Well...

That was the main reason. But because they—she had custody of them, and they came and took them from her.

They took—so who has the children right now?

The state.

The state has the children. And he feels really guilty about that?

What it is is, yeah, they tell him that they need this class, and they need this, but they got him on a waiting list for this, and then when he goes...

But he can read. There are parenting books on my website that he can read. And though—if he brings that information back, if he applies it, if he's real eager to earn those kids back, he needs to see a clear path to doing so. He should get the cogni—he should get cognitive therapy too.

But there are—let me give you just—I mentioned a few different resources: Choosing to Live, I think, if he’s suicidal. Also Mind Over Mood. Go to my website—we don’t have time to write everything down—but go to my website and you'll see some very good books. My website’s DrKenner.com.

I actually have it up on the computer.

Oh, wonderful. Wonderful.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner:

And right before the break, we were talking with Penny, who had a seven-year-old child. And I talked about the skill of reframing. She was looking at her seven-year-old son as if he wanted to control the world. He wasn’t. He's an only child. He wants to rule the roost. And as a parent, if you have that mental mindset—that framework in your mind—then you look at your kid as the enemy. “No little seven-year-old is going to tell me what to do!”

And I recommended that she look at him more as a scientist—that he preferred, instead of doing what mom and dad wanted to do, to pick strawberries, he wanted to study frogs. And that’s like a wonderful value for a kid at the age of seven—he’s motivated by values.

So how do you make a child want to pick strawberries? Well, you can invite them to maybe look for frogs in the strawberry field. You motivate by values.

Also, if you’ve got an only child, you need to get breaks for yourself. You need to get regular sitting and get out with your hubby, or get out with your wife if that’s the case—and also just to get out alone sometimes. You need that for your own sanity. You need it if you have more than one kid too, but especially if you've got an only child.

It’s important for the child to know that there’s mommy time and daddy time, and then there’s family time. There’s time with mommy, time with daddy—but mommy and daddy also have to have some time alone. And you need to help your child get in the habit of realizing that.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this:

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Kenner and Ed Locke:

One factor that undermines sexual arousal and enjoyment is to focus solely on your partner's pleasure. A self-sacrificial approach to sex does exactly that—it sacrifices your own pleasure. The compulsion to please, to perform, or to serve—not to disappoint—can be a severe source of disruptive emotion.

What is the antidote? Since romance is in the best interest of both, make sure you both experience pleasure.

To get pleasure, be conscious at some point of nothing but the pure pleasure you are getting.

To make sure both partners get what they want, take turns if necessary so each of you experiences pleasure. Focus on enjoying yourself when you are with your partner.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy the book at Amazon.com