The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

I've got a call from a woman who says that she's addicted to sugar, to cookies, and she can't just eat one cookie, and she's very worried that this might be some sort of psychological disorder or disease. So see what you think about this. Hi,

Dr. Kenner, my question is this: I am an individual that whatever I put my mind to, I get done. Basically, for example, my issue has to do with food, and I'm not sure if this is an addiction. It sounds like it may be. I just wanted your advice. For example, I just decided one day to stop drinking coffee, and just like that, I did. One day, I just said, "Stop drinking," and I did, and so forth. Anything I set my mind to, I do, and I do very well with success. The thing with me is that I'm having issues with sugar, predominantly, like, let's say, cookies or cakes or something. I find that when I do have a cookie, it's just impossible—not impossible, but it's hard for me to have just one. I kept battling with my mind, saying, "Well, you have control over your body, and it's obviously there's something wrong with you. Maybe it's psychological; maybe it's an eating disorder linked to it." But I've come to the conclusion that it can't be that, because there's really nothing I'm going through emotionally. Everything is fine, and it's just hard to... I don't know, my body just wants more. Every time I eat a cookie or cake or so forth, it's just not satisfied. I was wondering if you had encountered a situation like this, where it's not an eating disorder; there's not really any emotional issues tied to it. However, it is a chemical dependency in some cases. I was just curious if you have encountered that before and if indeed people do have this addiction to sugar, which may lead them to just want more. I'm not diabetic. I don't have any... I just got my blood checked and worked, and then I don't have any tendencies there. So I'm just very, very curious about it.

Okay, look at how you're framing the problem. If you've ruled out any medical problem, for example, there have been cases of situations or cases of what's called specific hungers, like someone will be very hungry for salt. For example, I have very low blood pressure, so if I tend to have a desire for salt, I may need that salt, and it may be just some feedback loop in my body that's telling me I need the salt in order to retain more water. We get thirsty; we need water. We get hungry; we need to eat. So we do get signals from our body that we need to interpret. However, in your case, if they've done the blood work and you've gotten a clean bill of health from your doctor, you don't have diabetes; you don't have any sugar-related disorders, then for you to frame this as a chemical dependency or to set your expectations that you may have some really bizarre eating disorder or cookie-eating disorder where you can't just eat one cookie... People will laugh at you, and they're right to laugh at you because sugar tastes great. Believe me, when I eat one cookie, I have the same urge that you have. I have an urge to go back and get a second cookie. It's... you've had the capacity, as you said, to be able to stop drinking. Some of you had an alcohol addiction—I'm assuming you not an addiction, but an alcohol problem. You were able to stop coffee for whatever reason you decided to stop that. So notice, you can put your mind to changing your lifestyle, and you are very good at making those changes. But notice if you say to yourself that this doesn't fit in the category of something I can change, then you let go of the mental reins, and then you just go by your emotions because that's all that's left, and your emotions will tell you that two cookies taste better than one, three taste better than two. So what do you do with that? You don't have to battle your mind. Instead of making this a huge struggle, you need to recognize that this too is within the realm of change. Now, I don't know if you're overweight or not. If you're just watching for cholesterol or something else, but you could get the book Changing for Good. It's on my website, DrKenner.com. It's by Dr. James Prochaska and Norcross and another author, and that may help you out. First, you need to know that this is your mind. If you want to tell yourself that something is outside your ability, then you're setting up your own glass ceiling, which you can't reach beyond. For example, if I tell myself I'm a dumb blonde—I'm not a blonde, but if I told myself that and say, "Oh, we're blonde, oh, so you're dumb," then I wouldn't try to go back to grad school. I wouldn't set my sights further. So you want to set your sights further, that you are capable of getting over this cookie disorder, and you want to be able to have a method to do so. Well, you already have a whole repertoire of skills because you've been able to quit the coffee and quit drinking. So if you send your mind messages of, "I just can't do it. I don't know why," and "Oh my God, I'm eating another cookie, and I have to have another brownie or another piece of cake," those are the wrong messages, and this must be a disorder. Those are called permission-giving beliefs. They give you permission to act against your own best interest and to perpetuate the myth that you have some sort of disorder. Whereas if you say this too is something I can change, and let me see what skills are available. Let me not buy any more cookies. Let me stay away from bakeries. I won't ask for a dessert menu at the restaurant. I won't hang around with people who tend to eat a lot of fat foods. I will see the value in not eating this fat food. I don't like the pudge in my belly, or I don't like the flabbiness under my arm. You know, I want to get fit. And you start exercising again. You can turn this one around fairly quickly, so I wish you a lot of skill in doing that. And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

The owner is Roger Enright, one of those self-made men, stubborn and rich as blazers. It's always safe to denounce the rich. Everyone will help you. The rich first, yeah.

And that's from The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. And that idea, if it's always safe to denounce the rich... Oh, he's too rich. He's got a house, he's got a boat, he's got this, he's got or she's got this. And what they ignore, in many cases, is that these rich people have earned their wealth. Many of them came from poverty. Many of them came from wealthy families but didn't throw away their money or become a playboy or a playgirl. Instead, they used that money to produce, to create and produce more wealth and to make our lives better. Look at all the products right in front of you as you sit in front of the kitchen table. You look at all the appliances in your kitchen, or if you're driving a car that came from the mind of thinking people, not from lazy bums, not from people who throw away their lives and are just totally unambitious and then get angry at the rich people, as if, "If only I had money, I'd be happy." Well, they need to use their minds better. Notice, it's easy to denounce the rich, but it's not easy to denounce the lazy people. Instead, we give them these fancy labels that they're homeless. They can't help themselves. They have to have food kitchens. The kids come into school. I mean, kids come from school into therapy, and they say, "I have to do community service. I have to go to the food kitchen. I have to chop up all the potatoes and the carrots and the rest for the soup." Why can't these people cut their own potatoes and carrots? And these students are right. You know, they're putting in this community service for what? For the veneer to perpetuate the myth that these homeless people— not the real homeless. Those are the truly homeless people. And you would want to help those, as many people have, but not what we perpetuate is the myth that everybody—that these poor, homeless people, lazy people, couldn't help themselves. And that's not the case for more.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this ad. Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner. A partner to avoid is someone who tries to fake their self-esteem by using defensive actions. A prime example is the chronic use of alcohol and drugs to reduce anxiety. Getting high temporarily blurs the pain and may even yield the illusion of pleasure. But such jolts lack the quality of pleasure based on actual achievements and do not lead to action that would remove the real cause of the pain. Another example of defensive action is lashing out physically in order to exert power over those who threaten your fake self-esteem. Social withdrawal in order to escape the anxiety of dealing with other people is another defensive action. Withdrawing into a shell simply reinforces your feelings of inadequacy. You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.