The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

On the selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Right now, I'll just talk briefly about the little boy who is watching birds outside his rural home in Northwest Washington. He's 16 years old, and he says, “Before I say anything else, a month or two ago, I began deciding to shoot the birds with my BB gun, and I have no idea why. Do you think you could list some possible general reasons why? Thanks a bunch.” — Frank.

Frank, the first thing you want to do is let your parents know this. Now, they may go ballistic, but say you need help. You want to get yourself into counseling ASAP. You can do some very, very good introspective work. You're 16 years old. Ask yourself, “What is going through my mind when I watch the birds? What is it? What do I think of? What emotions, what images, what thoughts?” Jot them down. This is what you would do with cognitive therapy.

There's a good book you can get on my website, Mind Over Mood, that will teach you how to do a thought record. That's what you need to do. My website is DrKenner.com, and it may be that you're really angry with someone else, and you just start shooting the birds. It’s called displacement. It could be that you have a history of sexual abuse or physical abuse, and people often hurt animals when they themselves have been hurt. It could be a macho thing with kids at school, that you feel really insecure and you’ve got to show them up. Or it could be curiosity just about shooting. Maybe you've watched the military, the news; you're interested in the military, or you watch the news. But you've got to learn to introspect, to understand your own mind, to decode your emotions so you're not a mystery to yourself.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner:

Once upon a time, there was a quiet little village in the French countryside whose people believed in tranquility. If you lived in this village, you understood what was expected of you, and if you happened to forget, someone would help remind you. And that's from one of my favorite movies, Chocolat. If you haven't seen it, it's so well worth watching. The whole theme of that movie is psychological independence, how to hold your own against people who try to make your choices for you, who try to tell you what’s right, what you should eat, what you should wear, what you should think. That’s the big one—what you should think—and how you should act. They want you to act in lockstep with them according to their values, rather than let you use your own mind and discover, hopefully, how to use it rationally, meaning for your own long-range happiness rather than for your own long-range trauma and feeling chronic self-doubt all the way through your life.

You don't want that, so you need to learn thinking skills, and that's what I encourage. That's what this show is about.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner:

Another virtue that makes you lovable is honesty. Honesty is the refusal to fake reality. It is essential in a romantic relationship. Without it, you cannot have trust, which means you cannot rely on the character of your partner. How many times have you heard unhappy partners say, “I can't trust her” or “He broke my trust”? People typically lie for temporary gain in the hope that by denying reality, they can temporarily recreate it based on their wishes. But it can't be done, and you can't escape knowing that fact. Even if you can deceive your partner temporarily, you are making yourself unlovable, and privately, you will not admire yourself.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.