The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Nora, you're wondering whether you should drive again at the age of 80.

Yes.

Ma'am, yeah. Tell me what's going on.

Well, there for about about two and a half years ago. I don't know why, but I got—I just got afraid. I didn't trust myself. And I was reading about ladies my age, sometimes in wrecks and different things. And I thought your mind wanders, and as quick as you used to be, yeah, I can get around. I'm a young lady. Or suddenly, no, I'm not saying beauty. Yeah, I'd like to get out and go and do things, yeah, and I can't do it all the time because it's not always available for me.

The car isn't okay. Whose car is it?

Well, I bought the car and then I gave it to my husband, but I can still drive it anytime I want to, but I just don't have them. Haven't wanted to drive.

Okay? So you're you're trying to weigh the safety issues, and right now, because you're a young 78—you're a young 80, right? You're feeling that, man, you know, there should be no reason why I can, you know, it's not like my doctor told me, you don't have any eyesight anymore, or you're at risk of a stroke, or whatever else you had heard, you know, some of the horror stories, someone just losing focus for a minute, or being a little slower on the brake, you know? And you're thinking, yeah, those situations can happen, but they don't seem to apply to me, because I'm a young 80. And yet, because I had the fear for two years, and you gave into the fear for two years, didn't you?

Yes, I sure did, and I hated it all the time, but I just couldn't get over that. I even dreamed I was in a car wreck and killed five people and was going to prison, and that really scared me.

Okay, so, yeah, I love that you're cautious, because I think too many people, as they're aging and going through natural slowing down processes, don't even—they just, they hold on to that bravado. I can drive. Don't take my car away from me. And I think you're on the other end of things, where you're being wonderfully cautious. And you know it—you nobody can predict for sure. I mean, I could have a stroke tomorrow, and I'm a bit younger, and or I could be picking up my coffee, you know, to drink it, and something could happen. I don't text in the car. I'm very, very careful, and I was in an accident where my car was totaled. Nora, I didn't kill anybody. Nobody was hurt, nobody went to the hospital. But it shook me up so much that my driving changed dramatically for the better. It took the edge off my driving. I will let people—I'm a much more generous driver. Now, if I'm driving and I missed the exit, Oh well, at least I wasn't in an accident, I'll turn around. I'll be a half hour later. I'll miss that appointment. Oh well, I'm alive. It changed.

I never would even answer my cell phone when I was driving. I would let it ring.

That's great. I was, but I thought I was pretty cautious myself, but I did have a couple little fender benders.

Oh, when—what scared me?

Yeah, when were the fender benders? How old were you?

Two and a half, three years ago.

Oh, it's about the same time frame.

Yeah, that's why I quit, I think.

Well, it makes a lot of sense. And what, what happened?

Serious, nobody got hurt. Randy. It's just—just just negligence on my part. I guess I took the blame for all of them anyway.

Okay? And I love your honesty. I love your integrity. There. I took the blame for my accident too. So here's what you need to do. I would first get a checkup with your medic, you know, your routine doctor. If he says that you are good to go, there is nothing wrong, then it's psychological. I would also ask if—do you have kids?

Well, they're all grown. I have three daughters, but they're all grown. My youngest is 41.

Yeah, but they're still your kids. You can ask them, was I a good driver when I was 76 years old? If they say you were a good driver and they give you feedback. Don't worry about it, mom. You know, it's just a fender bender—twice. And if you use it the way I did, as a wake-up call, then certainly, absolutely, then you can drive. I've used it as a wake-up call. You could also choose times of day to drive that are safer. For example, maybe you give up a little bit of the nighttime driving.

I never even drove at night anyway. I never—even before that, I couldn't see very well. I mean, after night confused me.

Okay.

Diabetic, I'm not on insulin or anything like that, though.

Okay?

About taking this driving course?

Oh, that would be absolutely phenomenal. I wish I had thought of that. I think if you took a—just a brush-up driver's course, or even if you got private lessons for yourself, maybe your kids could give you that as a gift, and then with your teacher, go over how you went through the fender bender, and what you would do differently. I would review those two accidents with your instructor so that you regain the confidence, and you know that you know how to handle those two—you know, if it's at an interest, if it's at an intersection, and just get, you know, a clearing. Because you're a diabetic, I would definitely just run it by your doctor too, and I would give your kids permission to have the channel open, so that if any of them, even—or your husband, feels a little unsafe driving with you, they share it with you. If it's something that's correctable, if it's something that you could just take a brush-up class or a few classes, you know, maybe a private class, even with a driver's ed person. Or you go to the AAA, if you belong to that, and take some classes. You will put yourself in charge. You will feel good, and when you're ready to give it—when you feel like you are a hazard on the road—I wouldn't wait. I would—I would just take the money that you would spend for gas, put it in an account, and guess what you do with that money?

I don't know.

Okay if I can't drive anymore, let's say that I'm 86 and I shouldn't be driving anymore because I slow down. I want to take the money that I would pay for gas—and gas isn't cheap anymore. To fill it up, it's $50 a tank. I'm gonna put that $50 maybe twice a week or once a week, however much I drove, put it in an account for myself, and I can take a cab anytime I want.

Well, see, I wasn't even thinking cab. You're right. I would like to start. I live in South Parkersburg. I'm not in a busy business in the town, and I thought if I just drove around South Parkersburg—not take off into town.

No, well, you can pick safer routes. You don't have to do the freeway if you don't want to. But I love the idea of, before you do any of this, because you tortured yourself with a nightmare, I would definitely take that course. Look, if you belong to the American AAA association or some local association, or just jump onto a course, you know, for people who are a little older and driving, and you will give yourself the best gift. You'll build confidence.

Listen. Thank you so much for your call, Nora, and I wish you some very safe and happy driving.

Thank you, Dr. Kenner, and thank you for your advice. That's what I call it.

Okay, you're very welcome.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner:

I can't believe you don't want to go to your own son's graduation.

It's not a graduation. He is moving from the fourth grade to the fifth grade. It's a ceremony. It's psychotic. They keep creating new ways to celebrate mediocrity. But if someone is genuinely exceptional, then it's not about you, Bob. This is about Dash. You want to do something for Dash, then let them actually compete. Let them go out for sports. It'd be great.

And that's from the movie The Incredibles—a really cute movie, and I love that line, "Let them compete." You know, we reward kids for the most minor things, and we just make a mockery of rewards. You know, "My kid's graduating XYZ," you know it, and it's so small, as opposed to, in my day and age—I'm showing you my age now—but you would graduate from high school. I mean, that was the big one. Yeah, you'd graduate. You would transition from middle school to high school. But there wasn't a big to-do about kindergarten and preschool and everything else. It's wonderful to celebrate our kids. They need to gain a sense of proportion, and when they earn the success, man, you can hug them. You can celebrate with them, but don't take away their joy. Don't say, "Oh, I am so proud of you." Their focus will then be on you, on pleasing mom, as opposed to, "Oh, you must feel so proud of yourself." A much better way to handle it. You leave the pride where it belongs—with the kid feeling pride in himself or herself for what they've accomplished.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner:

Your intuitive first reactions to a prospective romantic partner may get you into trouble if you let your initial gut response color everything else, overlooking characteristics that could cause serious problems down the road, or you may ignore positive characteristics that could reverse an indifferent or even somewhat negative first impression. Your initial emotional response, whether positive, negative, or indifferent, needs to be validated or invalidated consciously by gaining more knowledge. This takes time. Get to know a person gradually in layers. Attentively observe how the person acts in different situations, especially, but not solely, how the person acts toward you. Ask questions and listen closely to what the person says.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.