The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Drkenner.com and Amazon.com.

He got a fair trial, didn't he? What do you think that trial caused? He's lucky. He got it. We heard the facts, didn't we? You're not going to tell me that we're supposed to believe this kid, knowing what he is. Listen, I've lived among them all my life. You can't believe a word they say. You know that? I mean, they're born liars. Only an ignorant man can believe that. Now listen, do you think you were born with a monopoly on the truth? And they were born liars? This man is making global statements, and he's going on his emotions. I've lived among them all my life, and it doesn't matter who they were, but it's good to know that this is from the movie 12 Angry Men, a movie that I highly, highly recommend. And should you just go by emotions? You're on a jury? Should you just go by your gut?

We've been told to follow your heart. Go by your feelings. Or feelings never lie. Do feelings never lie? Is that healthy advice and what's the alternative to going by your feelings? What are feelings? With me to discuss feelings is Dr. Steve Orma. He's a clinical psychologist and coach in the San Francisco Bay Area, and he specializes in helping adults overcome anxiety and stress-related issues. Welcome to the show, Dr. Orma.

Thank you for having me.

So that idea of follow your heart. I mean, people have told me, "Ellen, just go by your heart. Just go by your feelings." Do feelings never lie? Is that healthy advice?

No, I don't think it is. I think feelings do lie sometimes. And that's the thing is, is sometimes they lie and sometimes they're accurate. And so if you just go by what you feel, you don't really know whether the feeling is coming from an accurate place, whether it's guiding you properly.

So I can say, "I really feel I should take this job," and I haven't given it any thought. I just have that feeling. If you're my counselor, if you're my psychologist, what would you tell me?

I would say, first of all, it's important to know where feelings come from. Feelings come from our thoughts and our beliefs, and so they're a direct result of how we're thinking. And so our thoughts and our beliefs, however, can be mistaken sometimes; sometimes they're accurate and sometimes they're not. So if our emotions are coming from a mistaken belief, then the emotion is giving us the wrong information. It's not following the facts, and if we act on that, we're going to be making a mistake and possibly hurting ourselves in some way.

So can you give an example of that? A person faced with either going by emotions or—and they're really tempted to do that—or some situations that might arise?

Sure. So let's take an example of a college student. Let's say we have a pre-med college student, and he has an important exam that he needs to study for, but let's say his friend invites him out to go to a concert, and then he has to decide between going to the concert or staying home and studying. Well, his gut feeling is, "Wow, it sure sounds a lot more fun to go to this concert than to stay home and study my boring biology exam. I think I'll just go to the concert and go with that feeling." Then he ends up failing the exam because he didn't study.

So what's the problem? The consequences is sometimes we act on the feelings, but we haven't thought through the situation. If this person in this situation would have thought, "Hmm, you know, it's important for me to get a good grade in this class because I want to pass it. I want to get my degree. I want to go on and have a career," kind of think of, you know, think through the situation and what's at stake in terms of his values—long-range values and short-range values—he'd be able to make a much better decision.

Okay, so in that situation, he needs to really figure out, even though it's very tempting to go to the concert, really figure out what his longer-range values are. And you would help him with that. You would help him just find out the thoughts behind it. So if the thoughts behind going to the concert are, "But you know, I need a break. Everybody needs a break. I'm tired of studying. It's too much." How would you help him with that? If those are his specific thoughts?

Yeah, I would say, you know, if he needs a break. So let's say he has been studying and he's kind of burned out. And, you know, that definitely happens when you're a student. It's to learn how to manage his life a little bit in terms of giving himself some breaks, but make sure that he takes breaks that don't hurt his studying. So, you know, really plan out, "I'm going to study, create a schedule for studying," is really helpful. "I'm going to study two hours this day, three hours this day, and then I'm going to leave open this time for relaxing or going to a concert or having fun with friends." So it's balanced. So he's not just studying all the time, which is going to burn him out, but he's giving himself enough time to study and enough time to relax and have fun.

Okay? And now, what about another situation where a person would be really tempted to just go by emotions? You know, I'm in a roots, maybe something to do with a relationship.

Yeah, so let's say you meet an attractive man or woman, and you know you find them attractive, but let's say you're married, and you meet some other person, maybe someone at work, or you're at a social event, and you have an immediate feeling or desire that you want to sleep with them.

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance? That is interesting.

You meet an attractive man or woman, and you know you find them attractive, but let's say you're married and you meet some other person, maybe someone at work or you're at a social event, and you have an immediate feeling or desire that you want to sleep with them, and you just kind of go with that feeling and blank out all the other, you know, facts of your situation. You end up sleeping with that person, and you know that ends up being very damaging to your relationship or to your marriage. But my emotions told me to go ahead and sleep with the person. I mean, it just—how could you give up that delicious moment? I mean, just to capture that. I mean, marriage can get dull and boring after a period of time, and I just couldn't say no. What would you say to me?

I would say that, yeah, in that moment, it feels like, "Yeah, this would be right. I just had an argument with my wife earlier, and boy, you know, this would be really great for me to do." But I think you have to keep in mind the bigger picture of, you know, how important is your marriage? If your marriage is a value to you and being honest and faithful to your partner is important, then is sleeping with someone in the moment, where it might feel good for a couple of hours, going to be in your best interest in the long term? And if there are problems in the marriage, well, then that's something that maybe, maybe you could work on improving the marriage or improving your sex life, as opposed to looking outside the marriage to, you know, satisfy that.

So you can analyze the emotion. Instead of having it a gut feeling, you analyze the emotion. You don't get rid of the emotion. And you say, "Oh my god, I'm really missing this in my marriage. I haven't felt this tingly or this alive or this turned on in a while in my marriage, and maybe we need to have a talk. Maybe we need some therapy. Maybe we can, you know, put some fire—maybe we need some time away from the kids and bring our little sexual life back, if that's the problem, or our emotional connection back."

Yeah, exactly. I think exactly what you said, analyzing the emotion or introspecting, meaning under where is this feeling coming from? You know, why am I feeling dissatisfied in the marriage and feeling like I want to cheat on my spouse? What are the things going on that I'm not happy with? And then, you know, what can I do about it? Right?

And that's much better because if you do go ahead and cheat, I mean, you and I have been therapists for—we've seen many different cases, and I know that once someone cheats, they feel guilty. They can't face their spouse anymore. They feel angry at them. They feel tremendous guilt, angry at the world, angry at themselves. They feel like they've let down their kids. They didn't look far enough to see all the implications of an affair.

Listen, how can somebody reach you if they would like to, Dr. Orma?

Yeah, the best way to contact me would be through my website, which is DrOrma.com, that's D-R-O-R-M-A dot com.

And you have articles on your website, lots of good information, and they can even email you some questions. I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner. It's been great talking with you.

Thank you very much. For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this.

NAD, here's an extra. From The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner: A romance killer is the joy killer of living in fear or with chronic anxiety. Say you were profoundly hurt by a failed love relationship and you promised yourself, "I'll never let anyone get that close to me again. The pain is too great." You may falsely have concluded that suffering is the essence of life and that all attempts to achieve values and your own happiness are doomed. By withdrawing from life and living in fear of being rejected, you lower the risk of future failure or hurt, yes, but you pay a terrible price. Living without taking reasonable psychological risks, like pursuing personal goals and values, without learning how to cope well with setbacks puts you in an emotional vacuum. Living means pursuing values. Pursuing values is the essence of life. Take steps, even if only small ones at first, to go after what you want.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.