The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Drkenner.com

And here is a question I received from someone who's not focused on happiness, the theme of the show, but on death. What do you do if your dad is always talking about death, how do you deal with him?

This is a question from Amy.

Hi, Dr. Kenner, my dad is preoccupied with death. I know this sounds morbid, but it's the truth! He's 50 years old, and I'm 26, and he sends me an email almost every week with the name of someone from my town—I live out of town—who has died. Usually, it's someone I've never met, and sometimes it's someone who I met once or twice when I was in elementary school. Sometimes he'll call me several times in a row, leaving messages for me to call him back, and when I do, he'll say, "Do you know so-and-so? They died." And it will be someone I've never even heard of. Also, he likes to be the first person to tell me about someone famous who died. These are not people that I'm a huge fan of, and I can't think of any reason he would want to do that. He has been doing this for quite some time now, but it seems to have gotten worse since my parents divorced three years ago. What's going on here?

Amy, well, that is the best question for him, isn't it? "Dad, what's up? Help me understand you better. I don't get it. You call me and you tell me everyone that's died—what's going on? What's underneath all of this?" Now I could—this is me speaking now—I could take some guesses, Amy, and I'm sure you've thought of some of these too. One is that maybe he, maybe he feels like he wants you—maybe he's sending you a message, Amy, like, "You don't pay me enough attention, and someday I won't be in your life." What emotion does he want you to feel? He may be trying to induce guilt in you. You know, pay attention. "I'm not going to be around forever." And since Mom and I divorced, maybe he thinks you need to be with him more. If he's trying to reach out to you that way, that's not a great way to connect. He needs some guidance. He needs you to help him see that that's not an enticing invitation to enjoy his company. You know, "Tell me who died recently, Dad." You want to guide him a little bit. You could ask him, "Dad, you know, I'd prefer to hear about something you enjoy. Please, don't tell me about anyone else who's died. I don't enjoy that at all," and you might need to gently remind him a few times. You can find some common ground to talk about. Does he enjoy pets? Or does he call you and say, "Hey, guess whose dog died?" Does he have any interest other than death? You know, you want to try to figure out what's going on.

So, here's another possibility. One is he's trying to induce guilt in you—it’s just an indirect way of saying, "Visit me. Pay attention to me. I'm here. Don't forget about me." And that's how he decides to connect.

Another thing it could be—hey, I’ve got to interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it—a very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is—the selfish path to romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The selfish path to romance—that is interesting.

Back to Amy’s question—Pay attention to me. I'm here. Don't forget about me. And that's how he decides to connect.

Another thing it could be is a warning. Is he suicidal? Has he been depressed since the divorce? And is he playing around with the idea of death? If so, there's a wonderful book—it’s on my website, DrKenner.com—called Choosing to Live by Tom Ellis and Corey Newman. It's a very good cognitive therapy book for anyone who's considering suicide and doesn’t know how to handle life—that book can pull you back from the cliff.

Does he have religious fears? A lot of people who are preoccupied with death have ideas of heaven or hell, or ghosts, or whatnot that have been, you know, torturing them. And if that's the case, maybe he could use some therapy. It sounds like he could use therapy anyway. He needs to know how to behave toward his daughter. He's 50 years old, and you're 26, and he needs to know that the way to connect with you is not through negative stories, but through values. What does he love in life? What's of interest to him? He may never do this, but what I would say to you is, you can't change your dad, but you can be determined never to be like him, Amy. You want to become what I call—and my co-author calls—a "passionate valuer." We even have a chapter in our book The Selfish Path to Romance on how to become a passionate valuer, loving all sorts of things in your life, like hobbies, a career, or maybe pets.

So, if he's a chronic downer, you can just take smaller doses of him. Keep phone contacts briefer and see if he's doing this with other relatives too. If you have siblings, you know, touch base with them, and you could call some other relatives, if you've got other relatives around, and see if he's talking about death with them. There’s actually a phobia related to fear of death, though not exactly a phobia—it’s an overwhelming preoccupation that some people experience. If he does have a full-blown fear of death and it’s undermining his relationship with you, then maybe he can get some cognitive therapy—that would be great for him.

I looked up some quotes on death, and one is, "If you spend all your time worrying about dying, living isn't going to be much fun." And another is, "Some people are so afraid to die that they never begin to live." That last one is from Henry Van Dyke. And here's a cute one: "To die is to stop sinning suddenly."

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke.

You cannot value romance if you don't have other values in your life. Some of the areas in which you can pursue values are a career or a job. Is your job or career something you love, or did you choose it for other reasons, such as conformity, fear, or duty? The ideal job is one about which you say, "This job is so great, I can't believe they pay me to do it." Not everyone can find such a job, especially in bad economic times, but it's worth the effort, even if it means changing careers.

And home. Make your home warm and inviting, tailored to your aesthetic taste and needs. Don't make it a vehicle for showing off, but do make it your own—a reflection of your standards and desires, not those of others.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.