The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Drkenner.com and @amazon.com

Here is a question I received from Cheryl. Hi, Dr. Kenner. I had a miscarriage a week ago. I was eight weeks pregnant, but the fetus stopped growing at six weeks. I was shocked, but I got over it that same day. Four days after the procedure, I started feeling sad and distracted from my daily activities. I was in a bad mood for the day, and I did not want to make conversation with anyone. I didn't even smile. The next day, I was back to my normal self. Then for the next three days, I was crying uncontrollably, not in the mood for conversations, avoiding people. I am now extremely sad. I thought I got over the fact that I lost my baby, but it seems like I haven't. Please tell me what I'm feeling. Am I depressed or is this grief? Thank you, Cheryl.

Cheryl, there could be several factors causing you to feel sad. One of them doesn't have anything to do with thoughts. It's hormonal. Your body is readjusting. I mean, you were eight weeks pregnant, and the hormones are bouncing around, and that can contribute to some sadness. And I recall that in my younger days, I used to burst into tears once a month, and it could be the most minor thing that would set me off. My husband would look at me and say, "Oh, you're about to get your period, aren't you?" And when he said that, we would both either laugh or he would calm me down, because I realized that something hormonal happened to me. Hormones are not insignificant. They can have an effect on your moods. So I didn't let myself go crazy when I realized it was only hormonal.

A second factor is that you could be going through grief if you really, really wanted this baby. If you were imagining, or maybe even buying some baby clothes or knitting, or getting excited about having a baby, then you're going through grief, and you need to let your mind process it. It's not that you're in a major depression if you cry; it's that you need to go through a natural, normal grief process. And you could be crying for days, you know, on and off, maybe weeks, just letting your mind put the pieces together that what you thought you might have—a baby fairly soon, within a couple of months—is not going to happen. You need to let your mind readjust.

However, a third factor that is causing you to feel bummed out may not have to do with hormones or grief, but with what you are thinking and what images are going through your mind. Cheryl, if you think,

"Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back." Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Ah, here it is, the selfish path to romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it @amazon.com. Hmm, the selfish path to romance—that is interesting.

If you think, "Well, I lost the fetus. It wasn't a baby yet. And you know, that's nature's way of saving me from having to carry to term a fetus that failed to grow. I can try again when the time is right," then you may not suffer that much. But if you think anxiety-producing or sad thoughts, then you may suffer needlessly. If you have a bunch of what's called "stinking thinking"—what if thoughts—and what if, people don't usually say, "What if something good happens?" They usually say, "Oh my God, what if something negative happens?"

So here are just a sampling of some negative "what ifs." And if you're having them, you need a method, and I'll tell you that in a moment, of how to address them. What if this is God's way of punishing me that I lost my baby? To me, Ellen, that is pure nonsense, and you need a way to see that it's just a natural phenomenon that happened.

Another question you might have is, "What if I can never carry a baby to term? I lost this one." That is catastrophic thinking; you don't have the facts to support that. Many people lose one child, and then they go on to have healthy children. So why not assume that that's the case?

What if you're beating yourself up? What if you say something a little off, like, "Oh my God? What if the pizza with the anchovies that I ate stopped my baby from growing?" That is total unearned guilt.

Here's another thought: What if my husband thinks I'm inferior because I lost his child? Well, first of all, it was both of your children. It wasn't even a child yet; it was a fetus. And that is stinking thinking. Instead, think that he'd be supportive of you, and hopefully he is.

What if you might have the thought, "What if they find out? I'm relieved that I didn't have a baby. I wasn't ready for it, and I'm feeling so guilty." If that's accurately the case, then you can allow yourself to feel, guess what, some relief. And then, if you're not ready for a child, just figure out how to take better precautions going into the future.

Now, here is a real thought: if you really want to guarantee that you'll feel depressed, here's the following thought. Cheryl, what if I'm sinking into a deep depression? Well, if you have those images that you're sinking into a deep depression, you're going to look for it everywhere in your mind. You're going to pull up negative file folders, and you're going to paint your internal canvas in your mind very negatively, very dark and gloomy. So you need a method to get rid of that thought.

What if I'm sinking into a deep depression? Well, what if you're not? So you need a method to examine your thoughts that are underlying your tears and your sadness. So there is good news, Cheryl: you are having some normal days. So I would just go ahead and assume that it's hormonal and maybe some grief and possibly some relief, and you can talk to your doctor about maybe something he can give you to help with any hormonal changes, or maybe you can look into some supportive therapy if you're going through grief or dealing with some stinking thinking.

There's a great book if you want to learn to introspect better. It's "Mind Over Mood," and you'd be able to take those negative emotions, any anxiety or any depressed feelings, and talk to yourself a little better. They've got wonderful skills in that book, "Mind Over Mood," and that's at my website, Drkenner.com. And one last thing, Cheryl: you want to remind yourself of your better moments. And remember I said your internal canvas. Think of painting your better moments in life—your good friends, hobbies you enjoy, your values, the things that make your life special: friends, maybe a job, maybe a good relationship, maybe even start exercising if you're not doing that—and that is going to help you reduce any feelings of depression, along with reducing the stinking thinking. So that should help you cope a whole lot better with the miscarriage.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner: There's a big snake in the plane. Jack, oh, that snake. Reggie, I hate snakes. Shock, I hate him.

Come on. Show a little backbone, will ya?

And some of you may remember that that's from "Indiana Jones." And do you have a phobia? Are you afraid of heights, or maybe spiders? Or are you afraid of elevators? Are you afraid of going in elevators, or maybe of snakes? I know my son had the opposite problem. He was not afraid of snakes. In fact, I had to get over my fear of snakes because as a little tyke, he'd go out in the garden and he'd bring back some garter snakes, and we had to put them in Tupperware containers and go out and get crickets for them and get them some food. And then they multiplied. We were away on vacation, and I guess the bigger garter snakes got a little romantic and had a lot of babies. And what do you know? We had snakes galore. My son studied them; he did projects on them for school. So I did not have a snake phobia, and neither did he, and we had a lot of fun with them.

But many people have phobias, and it can really mess up your life. If you're afraid to go in public places, or if you're afraid of public speaking, if you have a social phobia, it can really mess up your life.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Drkenner.com and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from "The Selfish Path to Romance," the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, who's world-famous for his theories in goal-setting.

It is important to introspect and to do so with the attitude that it's exciting and fascinating to come to understand yourself. What is the worst thing you can discover? That you have mistaken ideas or poor thinking methods, and these can be corrected. Many individuals don't know how to introspect effectively and efficiently, but at least they make honest attempts to understand their emotions, and they make some headway—even keeping a journal when one experiences unsettling emotions or talking things through with a trusted friend, or if needed, a therapist helps with self-understanding.

You can download chapter one for free by going to Drkenner.com, and you can buy "The Selfish Path to Romance" @amazon.com.