The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Doctor Kenner.com.

Brittany, you're dealing with some anxiety?

Hi, yeah. I'm a little sick right now, so I know my voice sounds a little

okay. Tell me what's going on.

Okay. Well, I'm 29, and I have a little bit of a disability. I was born with cerebral palsy on one side. And, I mean, I can pretty much do everything that I want to do, except for one thing, and that is drive. Okay. And, you know, I've always had people in my life that can help me out, but I've really never got to experience, you know, true independence. And sometimes it's just very hard for me. It's not only the driving, it's, you know, little things like not being able to do stuff with my hair, not being able, you know—I mean, I can do it, I can do some things, but it just takes me longer. And I've just, you know, I've moved out. I've moved in with my fiance, and we're both really happy. I've just noticed that I've increasingly become, I guess, a little bit depressed, because I don't exactly have, you know, my mom there to help me when I need her to do certain things, and I just kind of feel depressed sometimes.

Okay, let me just pause for a second. Was mom someone that was always around to help you?

Yeah, yeah, and, and she's not around anymore, or you've moved out.

No, no, she is. I mean, I see her almost every week, but, you know, not on a day-to-day basis. If I need her to, you know, help me with my hair, she would always, you know, she'd drive me to work or— I don't know, it's just I can't do all the things that I want to do. And even though I've accepted it, it's still, it's just hard.

Okay, so first you need to be very good to yourself. I mean, if you have limitations that don't allow you to live life the way others around you live, or people who don’t have cerebral palsy are living, then it's very hard, you know? You can see the discrepancy, and it's been going on for your whole life, right?

Right.

Yeah, and you're 29. I mean, this is almost three decades now, and if you've had the wonderful support of your mother throughout these years, then one of the things that you've robbed yourself of is the ability to figure out how to deal with the fact that you can't drive, how to come up with alternatives and how to, for example, do your hair. What's the difficulty with your hair?

Just, you know, if I want to, like, put a braid in or something, or put it in a, you know, just certain hairstyles that I, you know, sometimes it might take me five minutes just to put my hair in a ponytail.

Okay, so it takes a little longer. You are able to do some things. It's not like you can't manage your hair.

I mean, I can run, I can work out. I mean, you know, I can do pretty much everything I want to do. It's, you know, little things, you know, cooking might be a little bit harder.

Okay, so what has helped you in the past? Because it sounds like you have quite—if you're able to run and work out and cook and at least put a ponytail in and probably get around by other means of transportation, whether it's friends who are supportive or family members or what other transportation is there? There are busses, or, you know, other means, public transportation. When have you felt that feeling of, I'm competent, I can, I can manage through life?

Hey, I got to interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

When have you felt that feeling of, I'm competent, I can manage through life?

I mean, I've always, I don't think I've really been severely depressed. It's just always kind of bothered me. It's always kind of been back there. I've never really let it go.

Okay, so if you can take it out, brush it off, take a look at it and say, "Wait a minute. Instead of focusing on what I can't do, what can I do? What am I able to do?" Meaning I know, you know, I'm older, and I can see that I can no longer do a Russian jump. Now, I know that's silly, but I used to be able to do the split in the air. If I did it now, I would be disabled for a long time. And I think there's a coming to terms with things that you can't do that's very self-respecting. It's respecting your own limitations but not letting them hold you back in areas where you're able to excel, and shifting your focus away from what your limitations are, and shifting it to celebrating the fact that you can work out. Do you know how many people are capable of working out, Brittany, and they don't do it? You know, they just don’t. Do you know how many people are capable of braiding their hair and styling it, and they don't do it? You know, they have the ability—I’m being one of them. Do you know how many people are capable of cooking, and they don’t do it? You're able to flourish in some areas in life. And you want to be able to—I know you said you have a romantic relationship now, too.

Oh yeah, we've been together for almost 10 years.

Oh my gosh. Okay, and you're living together now?

Yes, yes, we've been living together since November, and he's supportive of you and loving?

Yeah, yeah.

I work part-time.

I've had my job for almost four years. I work part-time at a school, and he works for HP, so he works at home, and I go to work in the afternoon.

So you have a lot to celebrate. You know, how many people don't even have a romantic relationship, let alone one that's lasted for a while, right? You know? So I think if you shift—if you allow yourself to mourn your losses but don't get stuck there. You don't want to keep going over them and wallowing in them, so to speak, because that's not being kind to yourself. You wouldn't want, if you had a friend with the same difficulty, you wouldn’t want her to be just stuck there, you know, very anxious about it. Instead, you would want to see where you have possibilities, where you're able to excel given your limitations, and just accepting your limitations. Hey, guess what? There's nothing else you can do about it. And if there's something you can do about it to improve your ability to braid your hair, I know from what I'm hearing in you, you have that motivation to learn it. And if you can't do it, then okay, you go on and try something different. I hear you have a pet too, so you really want to celebrate your life. Never rob yourself of that. And if you're anxious, anxious is usually due to uncertainty or self-doubt. You don't want to doubt yourself. You have good qualities, cherish them. And the uncertainty—yeah, you can't do that. That's not—that is a certainty, that you have certain limitations that others may not have, but you also have a lot of ability and motivation to excel in life. So I wish you the best with this and really value yourself.

Thank you.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

Makes you miss out on what's really important in this life.

What are you talking about?

John, being a good father. Sending presents doesn't make you a good father.

And isn’t that true? I don't know whether your parents were divorced, and one or the other parent tried to buy you with gifts, but I can tell you in therapy, when I worked with kids, they could see through it. They would say, "You know, my dad gives me all these gifts, and I take advantage of it, but I know that he's doing it because he feels guilty, because he left mom, and I get all these gifts and, you know, I milk it." Well, what is that setting up for life? How will that child deal with relationships going forward if that's her attitude? Or another child might say, "Yeah, all dad does is give me gifts, and I hate it. I'd much rather spend time with him." And I've asked kids in therapy, "So what do you remember most about your mom or your dad? Or what do you like most about your mom and dad?" Depending on their age, obviously, and they would say things that were unusual. Instead of all the gifts that mom or dad gave me, it was typically when dad brought me outdoors and he taught me how to work on the car or how to cut wood, or mom taught me how to—now this sounds like a stereotype—but how to bake or how to sew. Those are the very memorable things. When kids learn responsibility, when they learn how to negotiate the world, how to feel competent, how to use their own mind to achieve something, and when you're their guide, it’s a win-win relationship. As long as you don't bring in the duty—you have to do this, you should do