The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DoctorKenner.com. Ashley, you have a bad temper that you'd like some help with.

Yes.

Yeah, tell me what's going on. Ashley, it's like, over little things, like, if I don't have a clean room, like, I should have ruined my nieces', but I'm only 12 years old, and I share with my nieces, and if I tell them to clean up, and they clean up, then the room just gets junky again, and then it just irritates me, because I don't like sales, because it doesn't fail.

Whose room is it? Your room?

Well, it's our room, because my brother got married, and his wife had two kids, and they don't clean up as their sales.

Is my room? So it's, they're living with you, though. So you've been through, you've been through a lot. So what feels like it's not fair to you?

Something the emotion of anger, when I feel anger, or when anybody feels angry, especially a real strong anger, a bad temper, something feels like it's not fair. If you could put into words what's not fair, Ashley, what is it?

I really don't know. We're like, when I get angry, I like to stomp away and slam doors and stuff.

Okay, you know, there's so much good help out there. One of the things is to figure out you said you really don't know. When I get stumped like that in my own life, I think, well, I don't know why. I just got upset. I want to ask myself, well, why? And usually the first thing I say to myself, Ashley, is, I don't know. You know, you just throw up your hands, right? If you wait a little bit, thoughts will come into your mind and will shine some light on why you're feeling angry. For example, you might be saying, I can't believe they messed up the room again. Why do I always have to clean it? Why can't they hold their own? Can you hear the thoughts that I'm having?

Yes.

Are you having thoughts? What are your thoughts that go through your mind when you get angry? You know how we talk to ourselves under our breath? We may not say it out loud, but we're really feeling it. What are the thoughts?

Why do y'all, why do they have to clean up the room more than one time a day?

Why does who?

Why do you?

Why do you have to?

No, it's like, if it's like, like in the summer, I'll clean up the room. Like in the winter, if I tell them to clean up the room, they'll clean up the room, and then, like, a couple of hours later, the room gets junky again, and then they'll end up cleaning it up. But then again, I just asked myself, like, Why do y'all have to clean up the room more than one time a day?

So you just wish they kept it clean and didn't make it junky again.

Yes.

Okay. Are they having fun when they make it junky?

Yeah, they laugh.

Do you wish you were part of that fun?

No, no.

So it's irritating to you?

Yes, it's like, I get irritated. Like, real easy to.

Okay, well, I think it's I want, I hope you give yourself credit because you're looking to get answers for yourself, and the biggest thing is figuring out what you say to yourself, and then figuring out what the goal is. If someone yells at you, if someone says, Ashley, why did you do and whatever they say, why did you I don't know. Not clean up the dishes today. Do you like it when someone yells at you?

No, no, I don't either. I don't like being yelled at.

Does it make me want to do anything that the person saying, if they say, Ellen, my name is Ellen. Ellen, fold the clothes right now. Do I feel like folding the clothes?

No, no.

So you want to figure out a way that will get you closer to what you want, a different way of thinking about it. Ashley, for example, Hey, I got to interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is, The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com, huh? The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

So you want to figure out a way that will get you closer to what you want, a different way of thinking about it. Ashley, for example, you know, they're having fun, and maybe if I say to them something like, Hey guys, any way we could work together so that the room would be a tad neater, a little bit neater, and they do? You think they might listen to that?

No, not. I don't think so. Because, like, if I tell them, like, if they're jumping on the couch or something, I tell them to stop. They're not gonna listen until their mother comes in and tells them. And so they don't want to do they see you as a big boss?

Like, Don't boss me around.

Yeah, the oldest one, she's like, you're not my mama, or whatever you gotta I gotta listen to you and stuff like that. So I just like, Okay, I'm just let your mama deal with you. Like, sometimes I just, like, hold myself back for like, because sometimes, like, she'll hit me, like, out of nowhere, and I like, like, I just get in her face and just like, I'm just gonna calm down count to 10. But it just don't work. Like, I don't know what to do.

Okay, is there any way that you could get a talk with somebody at school or a counselor or something that could give you the skills? Because I wish I could. We only have two minutes, you know, I wish I could. You already know to count to 10. You can think of better thoughts. You can think of saying, you know, it really doesn't matter that much to me, and I don't want to get in a power struggle with them, because it doesn't work when you get angry, it doesn't work, does it?

When you yell at them, when you lose your temper, you've already run that experiment, they get upset with you, and they don't listen to you, right?

Right.

So you want a different way of thinking about it for yourself, and of talking about it with them. Hey guys, can you tone it down a bit? Or, hey guys, I don't feel like cleaning up this mess. Alright, I wouldn't call it. I don't feel like cleaning up these toys. When you get a chance, will you get around to it? You know, they're not going to change overnight, Ashley, because they're waiting for you to yell at her. Excuse me, they're waiting for you to yell at them, and they won't trust that you'll have a comma technique.

I'll tell you. The book that my kids read when they were very young is a book that's called, and this isn't a this is a book for adults. It's called How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. And can you? Are you? Do you read books at all?

Yeah, yeah, I like reading books, but...

This book would be so helpful. It's got comics in it, and my daughter read it when she was probably a little younger than you, even though the book was written for adults, it's a very easy read. And she would tell me when I was messing up, she'd say, Mom, there's a better way to deal with what you're doing, Mom, are you trying to make me feel guilty? And I thought, oh my gosh, I am. So I was learning from my daughter that book is really a very, very good book that could give you some wonderful skills to work with them. And it's on my website, DrKenner.com, so even though you're young, you sound like an intelligent young person who's looking for some help.

And I would also see at school if you have counselors at school, ask if you can talk with them about this and get some help from them, because you're so motivated. I love your motivation and energy to want to change. And you're a thinker. You're someone who thinks things through, you know, like counting to 10. And really credit yourself from that. I think it took a lot of courage to call Ashley, and I really want to commend you on that.

So I wish you the best, and I think that you can listen to what you say and try to think about the situation differently, because the way you're thinking about it now is getting you all feeling that you have that temper, and I would love it if you could help yourself with that.

Listen. Thank you so much for calling, honey.

Bye.

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Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by Doctors Kenner and Locke.

We often communicate in ways that sabotage our relationships. Most of us have some psychological baggage that we bring into our relationships, and it affects how we communicate in word and deed: screaming and swearing, the silent treatment, interrupting, talking in a cold manner, giving looks of contempt, smirking. These are a sample of destructive communication techniques.

Here are additional examples of ineffective communication techniques: sarcasm, so you think you have all the answers. Name calling, you're such a slob, negative comparisons, your brother would never have a messy car, giving authoritarian orders clean up this mess right now.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.