The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com

Now, have you ever been teased? I'm sure all of us have been, but have you ever been teased really badly, maybe by your sister, or maybe even hit or abused as a child by a parent? Here's an email I received from Kyle:

Hello, Dr. Kenner, I'm 20 years old and feeling very depressed and down about myself and my chances to succeed at the university. I had a history of being a perky child, an energetic kid that used to drive my father nuts, and he would often yell at me, occasionally pull me violently, hit me, or he'd throw something at me. My parents also had nasty fights. Hysterical arguments were an everyday event. It was a nightmare. My parents did separate a few years ago. My sister also teased me and called me names such as 'dumb idiot,' which she does to this day. We moved a few times in childhood, and I became very shy and vulnerable. I was picked on throughout school and didn't do well in my studies, but I had a wonderful guidance counselor who gave me some hope in high school. She took my IQ and saw that I was above average. She gave me some skills to deal with my panic attacks, and I managed to wipe them out completely. That gave me hope, and in high school, I achieved proficiency in English, three degrees in the English language. I subsequently went to a university but did poorly. I was living with my mom and my sister at that point, and my sister continued with the sarcasm and taunts about how dumb I am. I'd like to continue in the university, which starts again in a few weeks. I'm thinking of getting out of this house and living alone. I don't know how to think about this. How do I get my hopefulness back again?

Kyle, even just your asking me that question helps you open up, warm up, and create a context in your mind of "How can I put myself on a better track?" That's great thinking. You're introspective, and you’re putting the pieces together. You're not afraid to look at your past and to have some empathy for yourself, for the trauma you've been through. So here are some things that I would consider doing. The very first one is: never give up on yourself. You don’t want to let your dad’s opinion of you, or a nasty, sarcastic comment by your sister, or a bully in school ever define who you are. Now, that’s much easier said than done.

So what you also want to do is focus on your own strengths. That’s a skill. Many of us focus on our weaknesses—oh, you should have seen how dumb I was today! You know, that’s commonplace parlance. But how many of us really sit back and allow ourselves, not in a boastful way, but in a good way, to focus on our strengths, what we're good at? So, you overcame panic attacks—that’s phenomenal. You were able to work very well with a teacher, with a counselor. You have an above-average intelligence. You have shown yourself that you're able to succeed in school, and you're eager to change, to open up your life more, even looking at other possibilities, such as maybe getting out of the house with your mother and your sister and living alone. You could live alone, or you could live with a lovely roommate, if you have to choose—well, obviously, and you can't always predict that—but you know, all of that is good because it would give you some independence and get you away from that chronic trauma. Otherwise, you keep opening up those mental files of someone picking on you, abusing you, or seeing the worst in you, or seeing you in a way you don’t want to see yourself.

I also might consider touching base with your previous psychologist, if that person’s still around, because they saw the best in you, and that gave you a lot of hope. Maybe emailing them or writing them, if that's possible, and maybe they can give you a little pep talk that will fit—it’ll sit right with you because they know you well. Or, you could go to the University Counseling Center and maybe get matched up with somebody there. I also want to recommend a book, Mind Over Mood. This is a wonderful book to help you learn how to change your self-talk so you can enjoy your life more. You can go to my website, DrKenner.com, to get the book. It’s Mind Over Mood by Christine Padesky and Dennis Greenberger. This book helps you decode your own emotions, and it helps you challenge ideas such as "Maybe I’ll never do well at university." It helps you challenge ideas to put yourself back on track.

Now, you did say you might be giving up on yourself, so I don’t know whether that's just you feeling unmotivated. Now, if you at all feel like, "What's the use? Why bother?" and you feel a little bit suicidal, there's a wonderful book called Choosing to Live. It’s a workbook by Tom Ellis and Corey Newman, and that’s also at my website, DrKenner.com. The main point is, never give up on your life. You want to love your life, enjoy it, and never put yourself down. Grow—you want to be able to grow. So thank you very much, and I wish you the best.

Here’s another question:

Dear Dr. Kenner, I'm struggling with anxiety. My parents are very strict and controlling. This sounds similar, doesn't it? I study a lot, and my social life hasn't been good because of it. Dating scares me, and I get insecure. I can’t control my anxiety or the way I think—I have irrational thoughts. It's like a song on repeat, and I'm not able to calm myself down. What can I do to help myself? —Megan

Well, Megan, if your parents are very strict and controlling, do you have any options? Because anxiety is the emotion that we experience when we're uncertain or feeling some self-doubt. And so if you have an option, like if you could live at school, that would be great. If you don’t have that option, then you need to tune them out mentally and own your own life. How do you control your anxiety? By changing the way you think. If you think differently about things, that will help. I know I mentioned the book Mind Over Mood a moment ago. That book gives a wonderful skill called a thought record, which would help you take any thoughts where you're being down on yourself and see what element of truth there might be in it that you could improve, and what is totally "stinking thinking" that you’d want to get rid of. You can learn communication skills so you’ll be able to date.

I also co-authored a book with Dr. Ed Locke called The Selfish Path to Romance, which you can get on my website, DrKenner.com.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner:

Personal differences can cause recurring conflicts. This is obvious in the case of big issues, such as sex, spending money, choosing where to live, the amount of time spent together, the time spent with relatives, dividing up household chores, whether to have children, and if so, how many and how to raise them. But there can also be recurring conflicts over small issues, such as how to load the dishwasher, where to leave the dirty clothes, and when to pay bills. Seemingly small issues often become larger if they keep recurring and if neither party is willing to change or simply let it go. Sometimes, chronic conflict over small issues—cleaning up the den, spending too much time on the computer with friends—is camouflaging a much deeper conflict that both partners are afraid to address.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book on Amazon.com.