The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free. DrKenner.com,

William:
You're coping with some panic and anxiety.

Dr. Kenner:
Yes, ma'am, yeah. Tell me what's going on.

William:
I've been going through this for about a month and a half now. I just don’t feel like myself. I’m always, you know, scared of social events. For a primary example, I went to my mom's birthday party in November, and I started feeling real irrational, real scared, unsafe—just scared of dying. My heart was racing, I was sweating, tingling in my upper and lower extremities, and I just couldn’t get that feeling out of my mind. I thought I would call you to see if you would have some coaching tips to help me relax during my day and go on with my day. I’ve technically lost my job, and I just… I’m always scared. I never want to be alone at home; I always have to be around somebody.

Dr. Kenner:
What do you think will happen to you? When you say you need to have someone around, what are you fearful will happen?

William:
I'm going to die.

Dr. Kenner:
And you’re going to die of what?

William:
Just wake up one morning and not be here—just that feeling. I don’t know… die of what? Just the fear of dying.

Dr. Kenner:
Okay, so notice there’s some vagueness there, William, in that you don’t know what you're going to die of. It's not like you're telling yourself, "Oh my gosh, I know, like for me, I know I have high cholesterol, and if I worried about dying of a heart attack or something, yeah, there's a little basis to it—I have pretty high cholesterol. But I don't spend my life worrying about it. I do eat better, though." So, if things are very vague and floating, you need to nail down your fear. I’m hearing two separate fears—two different categories of fear, and you can tell me if these are close to it. The first fear is fear of social events. What happened at your mom's birthday party that made you anxious?

William:
You know, it was real crowded. I'm sorry, I'm getting upset. Just going through what I go through…

Dr. Kenner:
What thoughts went through your mind?

William:
Just a lot of things… like… just people and being around them, knowing who they are, and…

Dr. Kenner:
Are you worried that they’ll make negative judgments of you?

William:
No, it’s just kind of hard to explain. Like I said, I was feeling fine, and then I sat down with my family, and it just hit me like a ton of bricks.

Dr. Kenner:
Okay, that’s where you want to start. I love the detective work of psychology. You can figure out why. When you said "a ton of bricks," if that ton of bricks could talk, what would it say?

William:
Hail me, I mean it was…

Dr. Kenner:
It would say what? “I'm not like, social with my family”? Or, “I'm just not myself”?

William:
Yeah, I’m just not myself, doctor. And I've always been a humorous, outgoing, very successful person, and you know…

Dr. Kenner:
Okay, did this happen after you lost your job?

William:
No, ma'am. It happened while I still had my job.

Dr. Kenner:
Okay, so you want to figure out when the transition was from being an outgoing, happy-go-lucky person, comfortable with your family, to feeling anxious. That’s the detective work. The question to ask yourself privately—what changed that made me go from feeling confident and at ease with people to feeling insecure? Did someone make fun of me? Did I feel inadequate? Did I say something wrong? Or is there pressure on me? You know, family events bring up a lot of history. I recently went to my mom’s birthday party, and guess what? I felt anxious. Yeah, with all the skills I have, I felt anxious, but I knew why. That’s the gift you want to give yourself—introspective work. Ask yourself a series of questions lovingly; you're not grilling yourself. It's just wondering, “What changed? When did I feel comfortable, and when did that change? Who do I feel most comfortable with in my family? Who do I feel least comfortable with?” Did that trigger something when I said that?

William:
Um, you know, I love my students dearly. I love my fiancée dearly, but I’ve never experienced this, and it scares me—the way I feel when I get it. And I don’t know how to control myself and cope.

Dr. Kenner:
You need to figure out what thought triggered it. Then, let me tell you the second part. Remember, I said I’m hearing two separate things. The first one is fear of social events, like your mother’s birthday party, being around people. It's good news that it’s relatively new to you, because that means you already know how to be comfortable around people. You need to get yourself back.

Dr. Kenner:
The second fear is the fear of anxiety itself, and you're thinking that you're going to die because you had a panic attack with tingling. Let me tell you what a panic attack is. A panic attack sounds scary, but if you don’t know what it is, it’s just your own body. If someone came up to me and said “boo,” it would trigger my anxiety. I’d feel maybe tingling in my fingers and rapid breathing—I’d be scared for a minute. That’s what a panic attack is. But you’re scaring yourself with the thought, "Oh my god, maybe I’m dying."

William:
People… are getting another one, right?

Dr. Kenner:
Yes, people fear they’re dying, fear they’re going crazy, fear they’re having a heart attack, or fear they’ll embarrass themselves in public. They also fear having another panic attack, which makes them anxious. I’m going to recommend that you learn relaxation techniques and read the book When Panic Attacks. If you hold on, I’ll talk with you during the break.

Dr. Kenner Commentary:
I came here to say that I do not recognize anyone’s right to one minute of my life, nor to any part of my energy, nor to any achievement of mine, no matter who makes the claim.

That’s from The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. When I first heard that, I thought, “He’s got to be kidding. I owe my life to everyone—my parents, my friends.” Then I started thinking about it. Do my parents own me? Should I do whatever they want? Do my friends own me? Or am I my own person, with wonderful friendships and good family relationships, but with my own mind? It took me a while to think that through and realize this is my life. My friends have their lives, and my family members have theirs. I don’t have the right to guilt them into anything. “You should do this for me; I’m your mother.” My kids’ lives are their own, and my life is my own. Is your life your own? Or do you feel like you owe everyone around you? If so, think again.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

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