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The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast
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Panic Attacks
After a bad air flight, I have continued panic attacks about everything.
The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com
Kelsey, you have a fear of flying?
Mom, yes, I do. Yeah. Tell
me what happened.
Well, I was flying back from vacation last night, and it was really bad winds, where I'm from, in New York, and it was just really bad turbulence, and everyone on the plane was panicking. And it was just really bad. It was like, 20 or 30 minutes of it. We couldn't land, so finally, we had to fly past, and then we finally ended up landing. But everyone was just in a complete panic. I was just like crying, hyperventilating, like it was just so bad. And since then, I got home last night, I've been having panic attacks, like I've had like three since then, just thinking about all these bad things that could happen, and not even just flying, just in general.
Okay, when you say, in general, what do you mean?
I just think about, like, this weekend I'm supposed to go on a road trip. I'm driving a couple of hours with a few of my friends, and I'm just thinking about getting in a car accident, or drinking too much and something bad happening. Or I'm just thinking of every possible thing that could happen that's bad.
Okay, so let me see if this is accurate. When you were on the plane, you went through trauma. Everybody went through trauma because, if you're not a pilot who typically runs into hurricanes all the time and gets this type of turbulence, and you know, it’s a piece of cake for that type of pilot, then for us as regular citizens riding on a plane, to feel that amount of turbulence and to feel totally powerless, out of control—we are not at the helm of the airplane, and even if we were, we wouldn’t know what the heck to do. So, we're necessarily in a powerless situation, and the plane’s rocking back and forth, and it's normal to have thoughts of the worst-case scenario. So if I drew a line, if I had a horizontal line, like just a six-inch ruler, on the left-hand side, I would put the worst-case scenario. The worst-case scenario is dying, right, and knowing that you’re dying. The worst-case scenario is life-threatening, you know, dying or being maimed, or who knows what, being burned, or you can just compound that. You can dream up a million different things. What is the best-case scenario? If we go to the other end of that line, Kelsey, and come up with what I call the BCS, best-case scenario, what would the best-case scenario be during a time of turbulence?
I guess, just like landing and getting through it.
Landing and getting through it, everybody breathing a sigh of relief, profusely thanking the pilot for bringing you down, for having the knowledge he had, and then realizing that—how many times does that happen when you’ve flown?
It’s never happened like that bad before.
Okay, so it is the worst time it’s ever been for you. But normally, what? Normally, it’s an okay ride, maybe a little turbulence, but nothing to write home about, right? No stories to tell. So already, just by taking that six-inch rule and making a line, on the left-hand side is the WCS, worst-case scenario. On the right-hand side, you've got the best-case scenario. What about something in between, right in the middle of that line at the three-inch point? What would be not horrific, but not the worst-case scenario and not the best-case scenario?
Hey, I got to interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.
Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Ah, here it is, The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.
What would be not horrific, but not the worst-case scenario and not the best-case scenario?
I guess, just like feeling bad the whole time, like while it’s happening.
You couldn’t watch the movie you wanted to watch, or read the book you wanted to read because your mind was torn elsewhere, right? But you were safe, right?
Right.
Or you may have gotten a little bruise on your knee, maybe from the turbulence. Maybe you fell and got a little cut that will heal within a week—not life-threatening.
Right.
So, our minds play tricks on us. They usually keep us at the worst-case scenario. And what happens when you’re in that worst-case scenario for almost all of us, is that it opens up a file folder that’s labeled, “What if?” Fill in the blank: What if something awful happens? And then we can spread it out to the rest of our life. “What if I bake the cake and it burns?” “What if my house burns down?” You can just keep going. “What if I take a ride and I’m in a car crash?” You start painting pictures as if you were a horror movie writer. Do you watch horror movies?
Yeah.
Oh, lady, lady, I would say, you need a better diet.
A little too much of that worst-case scenario TV.
Okay, so I’ve had, I’ve had little kids come in, I’ve had medium-sized kids, and I’ve had all grown-up kids come in, adults, and they have been watching all of those shows on TV. And guess what they typically have in their file folder?
Yeah, their file folder of worst-case scenarios is just overflowing. They need multiple—they need a whole file cabinet to put in worst-case scenarios so their mind can access that negative imagery very quickly. I recommend doing what? What’s at the other end of the line?
Watching happy things.
Happy things. Watch Singing in the Rain. Watch a Disney movie that has a happy ending. Bambi is a horror movie when the mother dies, but it is for kids. But at the other end, you’ve got, what’s it? Beauty and the Beast. You’ve got some wonderful movies that you could watch, and if you change your movie diet, then your mind will more likely go to best-case scenarios. Plus, you yourself can remind yourself to go to best-case scenarios and not get too shaken up when you initially go to the negative side. All of us do. Do you know breathing techniques? How to relax yourself? Any relaxation skills?
No, not really. I would just get myself to laugh and calm down a bit. But I don’t really know many good breathing techniques.
Okay, well, some of it is just—
If you ever sang, and you had that diaphragmatic breathing, nice and deep, you take a deep breath in, and then you just imagine all of your muscles just relaxing as if they were a sponge that had been squeezed, and it can just let out. Now, you let your hands go in, the sponge goes out. There are lots of good imageries. You can get some relaxation tapes. Some people like listening to the ocean. Some people like listening to bird sounds. Some people have their favorite music that can also help relax you. You can also go to a website, the FAA website, and check out planes—not to collect the negative, but to collect the fact that it’s very rare for something bad to happen, but you don’t need to do that, because you already know that in your own experience. Listen, I hope that helps, Kelsey.
Thank you very much.
Oh, you're great. Okay, get a good night's sleep tonight. I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner on the rational basis of happiness.
And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner. Why is it so easy to love our families, yet so hard to like them?
Well, that is one of those questions that makes life so rich and psychiatrists richer,
and that’s from Frasier. And think of the times that you’ve heard people say, “You know, I love my daughter, but I don’t like her. I can’t stand living with her, but I love her.” What is it that you’re loving? Are you loving the good times you've had with her? Are you loving your fantasy of what you wish she would become? But isn’t. What is it you're loving? And when people live in close quarters, I mean, sometimes it’s easier to love a relative, an aunt, a daughter, or a mother or father, when you’re not living under the same roof, because you don’t observe each other’s choices. “What time did you come home tonight?” “What are you eating?” “What are you wearing?” “It’s too cold outside. You should wear that.” You don’t observe each other’s choices all the time, so you’re not in each other’s way. You’re not in each other’s hair.
For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.
Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by Drs. Kenner and Locke.
White lies are sometimes used in planning a surprise event, but many people do not like surprise events and feel hurt or duped by the white lies used to camouflage the surprise. Consider Sarah’s case. For a month, she saw her partner and her best friend furtively whispering to one another. When they were around her, they seemed to shun her. When she asked what was up, they conjured various white lies. Sarah felt isolated and worried about her marriage. When she found out they had been planning a surprise party, she was not relieved. The party did not make up for that painful period. She had not enjoyed being tricked. She would have preferred having had some choice in who was invited and the pleasure of looking forward to and helping plan the event.
You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and buy it at Amazon.com.
Kelsey, you have a fear of flying?
Mom, yes, I do. Yeah. Tell
me what happened.
Well, I was flying back from vacation last night, and it was really bad winds, where I'm from, in New York, and it was just really bad turbulence, and everyone on the plane was panicking. And it was just really bad. It was like, 20 or 30 minutes of it. We couldn't land, so finally, we had to fly past, and then we finally ended up landing. But everyone was just in a complete panic. I was just like crying, hyperventilating, like it was just so bad. And since then, I got home last night, I've been having panic attacks, like I've had like three since then, just thinking about all these bad things that could happen, and not even just flying, just in general.
Okay, when you say, in general, what do you mean?
I just think about, like, this weekend I'm supposed to go on a road trip. I'm driving a couple of hours with a few of my friends, and I'm just thinking about getting in a car accident, or drinking too much and something bad happening. Or I'm just thinking of every possible thing that could happen that's bad.
Okay, so let me see if this is accurate. When you were on the plane, you went through trauma. Everybody went through trauma because, if you're not a pilot who typically runs into hurricanes all the time and gets this type of turbulence, and you know, it’s a piece of cake for that type of pilot, then for us as regular citizens riding on a plane, to feel that amount of turbulence and to feel totally powerless, out of control—we are not at the helm of the airplane, and even if we were, we wouldn’t know what the heck to do. So, we're necessarily in a powerless situation, and the plane’s rocking back and forth, and it's normal to have thoughts of the worst-case scenario. So if I drew a line, if I had a horizontal line, like just a six-inch ruler, on the left-hand side, I would put the worst-case scenario. The worst-case scenario is dying, right, and knowing that you’re dying. The worst-case scenario is life-threatening, you know, dying or being maimed, or who knows what, being burned, or you can just compound that. You can dream up a million different things. What is the best-case scenario? If we go to the other end of that line, Kelsey, and come up with what I call the BCS, best-case scenario, what would the best-case scenario be during a time of turbulence?
I guess, just like landing and getting through it.
Landing and getting through it, everybody breathing a sigh of relief, profusely thanking the pilot for bringing you down, for having the knowledge he had, and then realizing that—how many times does that happen when you’ve flown?
It’s never happened like that bad before.
Okay, so it is the worst time it’s ever been for you. But normally, what? Normally, it’s an okay ride, maybe a little turbulence, but nothing to write home about, right? No stories to tell. So already, just by taking that six-inch rule and making a line, on the left-hand side is the WCS, worst-case scenario. On the right-hand side, you've got the best-case scenario. What about something in between, right in the middle of that line at the three-inch point? What would be not horrific, but not the worst-case scenario and not the best-case scenario?
Hey, I got to interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.
Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Ah, here it is, The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.
What would be not horrific, but not the worst-case scenario and not the best-case scenario?
I guess, just like feeling bad the whole time, like while it’s happening.
You couldn’t watch the movie you wanted to watch, or read the book you wanted to read because your mind was torn elsewhere, right? But you were safe, right?
Right.
Or you may have gotten a little bruise on your knee, maybe from the turbulence. Maybe you fell and got a little cut that will heal within a week—not life-threatening.
Right.
So, our minds play tricks on us. They usually keep us at the worst-case scenario. And what happens when you’re in that worst-case scenario for almost all of us, is that it opens up a file folder that’s labeled, “What if?” Fill in the blank: What if something awful happens? And then we can spread it out to the rest of our life. “What if I bake the cake and it burns?” “What if my house burns down?” You can just keep going. “What if I take a ride and I’m in a car crash?” You start painting pictures as if you were a horror movie writer. Do you watch horror movies?
Yeah.
Oh, lady, lady, I would say, you need a better diet.
A little too much of that worst-case scenario TV.
Okay, so I’ve had, I’ve had little kids come in, I’ve had medium-sized kids, and I’ve had all grown-up kids come in, adults, and they have been watching all of those shows on TV. And guess what they typically have in their file folder?
Yeah, their file folder of worst-case scenarios is just overflowing. They need multiple—they need a whole file cabinet to put in worst-case scenarios so their mind can access that negative imagery very quickly. I recommend doing what? What’s at the other end of the line?
Watching happy things.
Happy things. Watch Singing in the Rain. Watch a Disney movie that has a happy ending. Bambi is a horror movie when the mother dies, but it is for kids. But at the other end, you’ve got, what’s it? Beauty and the Beast. You’ve got some wonderful movies that you could watch, and if you change your movie diet, then your mind will more likely go to best-case scenarios. Plus, you yourself can remind yourself to go to best-case scenarios and not get too shaken up when you initially go to the negative side. All of us do. Do you know breathing techniques? How to relax yourself? Any relaxation skills?
No, not really. I would just get myself to laugh and calm down a bit. But I don’t really know many good breathing techniques.
Okay, well, some of it is just—
If you ever sang, and you had that diaphragmatic breathing, nice and deep, you take a deep breath in, and then you just imagine all of your muscles just relaxing as if they were a sponge that had been squeezed, and it can just let out. Now, you let your hands go in, the sponge goes out. There are lots of good imageries. You can get some relaxation tapes. Some people like listening to the ocean. Some people like listening to bird sounds. Some people have their favorite music that can also help relax you. You can also go to a website, the FAA website, and check out planes—not to collect the negative, but to collect the fact that it’s very rare for something bad to happen, but you don’t need to do that, because you already know that in your own experience. Listen, I hope that helps, Kelsey.
Thank you very much.
Oh, you're great. Okay, get a good night's sleep tonight. I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner on the rational basis of happiness.
And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner. Why is it so easy to love our families, yet so hard to like them?
Well, that is one of those questions that makes life so rich and psychiatrists richer,
and that’s from Frasier. And think of the times that you’ve heard people say, “You know, I love my daughter, but I don’t like her. I can’t stand living with her, but I love her.” What is it that you’re loving? Are you loving the good times you've had with her? Are you loving your fantasy of what you wish she would become? But isn’t. What is it you're loving? And when people live in close quarters, I mean, sometimes it’s easier to love a relative, an aunt, a daughter, or a mother or father, when you’re not living under the same roof, because you don’t observe each other’s choices. “What time did you come home tonight?” “What are you eating?” “What are you wearing?” “It’s too cold outside. You should wear that.” You don’t observe each other’s choices all the time, so you’re not in each other’s way. You’re not in each other’s hair.
For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.
Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by Drs. Kenner and Locke.
White lies are sometimes used in planning a surprise event, but many people do not like surprise events and feel hurt or duped by the white lies used to camouflage the surprise. Consider Sarah’s case. For a month, she saw her partner and her best friend furtively whispering to one another. When they were around her, they seemed to shun her. When she asked what was up, they conjured various white lies. Sarah felt isolated and worried about her marriage. When she found out they had been planning a surprise party, she was not relieved. The party did not make up for that painful period. She had not enjoyed being tricked. She would have preferred having had some choice in who was invited and the pleasure of looking forward to and helping plan the event.
You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and buy it at Amazon.com.
