The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free. DoctorKenner.com,

Matt, you have a question about thinking? Or tell me what your question is.

Yeah, Hi, Ellen. This is my name is Matt, and I really appreciate you taking my call. Oh, thank you. Super excited about it. Okay, so why do you always tell people that it's so important to try to analyze your own thoughts, to understand why you think certain thoughts and you feel certain feelings. Why can't you just do what you think is correct without so much analysis?

Okay, well, on some level, you don’t want to become obsessive-compulsive about analyzing everything. If you want, let’s say, a certain flavor of ice cream, you don’t have to sit and analyze it. It’s a very low-level choice making. And in cases like that, you’re right. You don’t need to sit and analyze it. You can just go by your feelings. I mean, in my day and age, we had spaghetti ice cream, and we still have bubble gum around, I think. But we had odd flavors at this little store where I grew up. But that's a very low level. What about bigger choices that you have to make? Some of the bigger choices would be what, Matt?

Well, I mean, I can think of right now career. I’m actually just coming through a divorce, and I’m considering changing careers and stuff. I’ve got this whole new opportunity to investigate my entire life, and I was just trying to confirm, like, getting down to the root of things, you know, of why I think the things that I do and why they are what they are. You know, coming out of a big relationship, I want to investigate everything I’m doing.

Okay, so if you want to say, oh my god, what went wrong? What role did I play in the breakup of this marriage? How did my wife contribute? And what could we have done differently? Did we just grow apart, which some people do? Or is it that we have patterns that we’re going to carry into our next relationships? And if you have patterns that you’ll carry into your next relationships—coping strategies that are not good. For example, maybe you yell when you get stressed, or maybe you withdraw and become sullen and quiet, and nothing can get resolved that way. Or maybe you just cross your arms, take the moral high ground, roll your eyes, and look at your wife with contempt—or your ex. Now, you know those are not good coping strategies. In cognitive therapy, they’re called coping strategies, and if you understand what goes wrong, then you have an opportunity to do what, Matt?

Make changes, I would say.

Yeah, phenomenal, right?

I mean, that’s what I would say, right?

And I was a person. I know that one of my coping strategies throughout my life, since I was a little girl, was, if I felt stress, I would withdraw. That was mine, and I had other ones too. I could yell at times too, but mostly I wasn’t a yeller; I was a withdrawer. So now, because I know that, you know? And I’ve done so much introspection, and I know that doesn’t lead to a good place, I can coach myself. I can say to myself, “Ellen, you know what? I can see that you’re doing it again. You felt upset with this person, and you’re not speaking up; you’re just withdrawing. What could be an alternative way of handling this situation?” I deal with myself very gently. I don’t say, “Oh, here you go again, you idiot, Ellen. You’re withdrawing now, and you know you’re never going to change, you jerk.” If you deal with your own change process with a whip, beating yourself up, you’re not gonna like changing. But the alternative is to just know that there’s a wealth of self-discovery. It’s a treasure hunt. And if you find something you love that you do, highlight that. Be aware of it. If you have a good coping strategy, something you do that you love, underscore it, highlight it. So introspection doesn’t just mean looking for negative stuff; it means also looking for what you do well and underscoring that. Is there something that you did well, that you’re proud of—a way that you coped with the divorce or the new career direction? Either one of those?

Hey, I gotta interrupt this, because we’ve gotta pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Huh, The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

Is there something that you did well, that you’re proud of—a way that you coped with the divorce or the new career direction? Either one of those?

Absolutely. I mean, I…

I would say that I’m much more… I’m excited to speak my mind. I’m excited to share my opinions. I could probably work on being a little more tactful.

Important?

Yeah, I just can’t say enough about how important it is to have the freedom to speak my own mind and not really—not not care, but just be like, this is important, and this is what I need to tell you or say this for myself. It’s critical.

Right. And you know people who have done that with even their parents. I mean, this is dangerous territory here, because I wouldn’t do this in all cases, but they’ve been able to say, “Mom, you know, when I was younger, I felt afraid of you, and I’m glad we’re able to talk now. It was tough growing up.” And the mom, if she’s honest, will say, “Oh, I know. I’m so sorry for what I did,” and you’d grow so much closer. Now, the mother might say, “Well, you deserved it. You were a big brat.” And then, you know, to that type of a mother, you might not say something like that, but that ability to speak openly or say, “I’m feeling hurt; I heard you make a comment, and it felt like a put-down. I don’t know if you meant it that way, but I’m feeling hurt. Help me understand you better.” Now, that’s a sample of being very assertive. And so, one of the gifts of understanding how your own mind works is to be good to yourself. Don’t beat up on yourself; look at it as an opportunity to grow and learn and just to know your own mind in the world better. Another point is to focus on positives, and when you learn how to introspect, you’re not a mystery to yourself in terms of emotions.

Okay. I mean, is there any quick pointers? I know we have to wrap up. What is it about introspection? What are some essentials of introspection I could take away from this call?

I would learn cognitive therapy skills. If I have the emotion of sadness, I immediately say to myself, “Okay, Ellen, where’s the loss?” If I’m crying, I know it’s a big loss. Is it my self-esteem? Am I feeling really sad because I’m unhappy with myself? Or is it with a friend—did they hurt me, and I’m feeling the hurt? If I feel angry, I know I’m dealing with unfairness. If I feel guilty, I know I violated my own standards. If I feel anxious, I know I’m dealing with uncertainty or self-doubt. Cognitive therapy teaches you how to take the main categories of emotions and rapidly know the theme behind them: loss, unfairness, etc. Then you can say, “Okay, this is how I’m feeling. Is it based on fact or not?” And the book that I would highly, highly recommend is Mind Over Mood. It’s a cognitive therapy book, and it’s at my website, DrKenner.com.

And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner:

“Dad, Tony’s lying, lying. I wasn’t going to go, but Dad let me, and I was happy because I wasn’t sneaking off and lying to you. And if I can’t tell you what I want now, then I’ll never be happy whatever I do.”

And that’s from Bend It Like Beckham, one of those poignant moments. It’s a great movie, by the way. But one of those moments when you realize, “I can’t go through life lying to the people I’m closest to, otherwise the whole relationship ends up being a lie.” That doesn’t mean you have to tell your deepest fantasies to everyone around you. Some things are none of their business. But if you go on lying—and these are in important relationships, with a husband, a wife, your kids, or your parents, as in this case—you don’t have a genuine relationship. You rob yourself of that, and you’re living a double life. The problem with a lie is that you have double bookkeeping. But even if you didn’t have double bookkeeping, what does it say about you that you’re afraid to say how you genuinely feel and pursue your own hopefully rational values?

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke:

Encourage your partner to pursue his or her values. You don’t want your partner to give up important values, assuming they’re not irrational values like taking illicit drugs, being abusive, or having an affair. Neither partner should ask the other to give up valued activities or friends, assuming the friends are not unpleasant or dishonest. This principle applies to all important values held by your partner, especially the most essential ones, such as a career. Encouraging your partner to act to achieve important values and helping them maintain a proper attitude toward those values is part of living up to this principle.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.