The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

On the selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Doctor kenner.com.

I want to welcome James to the show. James, you're dealing with some anger problems.

Yes.

Yeah, tell me what's going on.

Well, I've been with this girl seven years now.

Seven years. When you say a girl, I'm assuming she's not young. How old is she?

She's 22.

She's 22, and you're how old, James?

I'm 23 now. Okay, and we had two children together, and it's like the love goes so far beyond what we would ever expect it. I have an anger problem, and I never realized it. Just one time me and her got in a fight. We got back together, and everything was okay. Not too long ago, again, we got in an altercation, and she left.

When you say an altercation or a fight, was it physical? Was it verbal? Was it punching, kicking, hitting, biting?

It was one time.

One time you fought like, literally, fought? Like, physical?

Physical, okay. And who threw the first punch?

I did.

You did, okay? Was that the first time?

Yes. After that, I’m realizing I cannot be doing this because we’ve got two kids together and things like that. So, as time went on, we learned to cope with each other and talk to each other. We had very fun times, had bad times, times when we were both down, and we kept each other up.

So you were good support for one another. So what you're describing is a very mixed situation, where, on one hand, you love her, you've had two children with her, and on the other hand, you know there's something in your personality that makes you lose it with her, to the point where you have verbal fights and physical fights, and you're looking for help. Now, how do you stop the abuse?

How do I stop the abuse, and how do I help myself? Before I can help anybody, I have to learn how to help myself.

Exactly, yes.

So, I don't know. I stay on top of Florida, and I don’t know, how do I get the help that I need? I can't lose this woman because I love her so much, where I’d give my life before hers, because I feel like she gave me two beautiful things that no one else could give me, and that’s love. And I love her so much that I need to get help so this relationship can go on.

I need to interrupt this, because we’ve got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then we’ll be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is, The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

I need to get help so this relationship can go on.

Yes, it is very much to your credit that you're eager to get the help. I would say, get the help for yourself. Don’t get the help with the idea that she has to stay with you. Get the help because she’s her own woman, and if she decides to leave you because she no longer is in love with you, or because she doesn’t like the abuse and wants a life free of it, that would be her choice. The gift you can give yourself, which is within your control, is to understand how you lose it. What are the triggers? What does somebody say to you or do to you that makes you lose it?

That’s another thing. I talked to her not too long ago, like two days ago, and she told me that the love is never going to leave. She loves me, but I need help.

Okay, so she’s giving you assurances that she will stay, but please, please get the help.

Right, correct.

So, I'm just giving you that little sidebar. It is her choice. Nobody can love you when you're hitting them. Nobody. And so, even if she loves you when you guys are having fun times, that doesn’t mean she loves you when you guys are being aggressive towards one another. So yes, this is considered abuse. You know that already, and you can get help. Do you have insurance?

No, ma’am.

Well, there are things that you can do even without insurance. I know there are state programs you could get into where they would mandate that you get help. In your case, you're seeking it, so you could actually call the state.

What state? Oh, you said you're in Florida, right?

Yeah.

There are several things you can do. One is that you could go to the library and you could get a book, an anger workbook. There are, there are lots of books, Letting Go of Anger, I've got three of them in front of me, The Anger Control Workbook. You could get a workbook and give yourself some self-help. Now that isn't a replacement for therapy, but that certainly is a great start that you could do today. If you go to the library, the books are free. You’re just taking them out.

So that’s the first thing you could do. Another thing you could do is go to the website, The Academy of Cognitive Therapy, academyofct.org, and it has “Find a Therapist.” You can look for a therapist in your neck of the woods, and you may have to pay. Do you currently pay for anything else? Do you smoke or do you drink?

Yes, ma'am, I do. I smoke cigarettes.

Well, you could save a bundle of money if you could transfer some of that money towards buying yourself romantic happiness and self-esteem. So if you save some money from other things that you’d willingly spend on and spend them on therapy, some good therapy, it may be well worth it. If there are colleges nearby that have teaching programs, sometimes they offer what's called a sliding scale, and they charge you less because the students are in training, but you can get some really good help there.

Yes, I have the University of South Florida.

Okay, then if you contact them, see if they have a counseling program and tell them your situation, they may be able to get you into a therapist there. And some therapists do have a sliding scale, so you can call your local professional association and get some help there. The big thing you want to remember, James, is that you’re changing because nobody can have self-esteem if they are aggressive towards other people.

Plus, do your kids see these fights?

They saw us fight a couple of times.

Very traumatizing to them, because they know what you can do to one another, you can do to them. You can hit them, right? And so, they’re going to live in fear of you. Fear does not equal love. A person can look like they love you, but if they fear the parent, that's not the same as loving them. Being dependent on the parent isn't the same as earned love and respect. So, if you value what you’re doing to your girlfriend and to your kids, you're doing it to yourself first. You’re being mean to yourself first.

So you need to know how to act with yourself. Identifying what triggers you—I'm giving you some skills right now. I know we’re winding down on time, but identifying what are the triggers? What does she say, or what do you say to yourself, that triggers you? And then buy some time. Take a walk outside. Get away from the situation. If you feel the anger welling up into action, get away from the situation. Agree in advance that you guys will take a break. Okay?

Yes, those are two things that will help. So thank you very much for the call.

Yes, so you say we should be away from each other while this is going on?

When you get angry, yes.

I wish... If you hold on, I'll talk to you during the break. I’m Dr. Ellen Kenner.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by psychologists Drs. Kenner and Locke.

How do you know if your partner is the right one for you? Compare your present companion to people you have dated before. What are you getting now that you missed before? Are you missing something now that you got before? If none of the people you've met satisfy enough of your requirements, keep looking. If you recently found a potential soulmate, is there anything important that you've overlooked? Is your partner lacking something that you really want? Can your partner be trusted? Does your partner have traits that grate on you, and can any of them be viewed as trade-offs in view of better qualities? Are there potential sources of conflict between you that need discussion? Does your best judgment mesh with your emotional response to your partner? Or are there still red flags?

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.