The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and amazon.com

And I want to welcome Shaheen. Shaheen, you're feeling guilty about divorcing your wife.

I know it's not guilt. The reason I'm calling is because of anxiety, okay, as well as anger. In terms of guilt, I had a secondary question whether or not guilt has anything to do with feelings of responsibility.

Oh, guilt has everything to do with your standards of what's good and bad. Yes, guilt. Guilt is the emotion that tells me, "Ellen, you acted against your own moral standards," right? But sometimes or many times, we feel guilty, and we didn’t earn it. We didn’t do anything wrong, but we are just blaming ourselves anyway, based on our standards.

I'm having a very difficult time hearing you. Could you speak up a little bit?

Okay, so guilt means you're acting against your own moral standards, but we don't always set proper standards. Many times, we suffer unnecessarily with unearned guilt, guilt that we have not earned. So, you said that... Tell me what's going on with your divorce that's causing the anxiety and anger?

Well, the anger is because I found out that this was a pre-existing condition.

Okay, the pre-existing condition is what, exactly?

After I took my wife to the doctor, and then the hospital, they went through a variety of tests, and then they diagnosed her with MS, multiple sclerosis.

Okay, so she has MS. How long have you been married?

We've been married for about... Well, I mean, our separation was in April of last year, yeah, but we got married in June of 2008.

So you were married for... how long?

We were married for about, let’s say, nine months. Okay, so if... if I only lived together with her for about a month.

If I understand the story correctly, then you married your wife without knowing that she had MS, yes, that’s right. And you found out within a month, or very shortly after you married?

Well, after we got married, we didn’t live together for a while because she came from another country.

Okay.

And when she arrived, she was hospitalized within four days, yeah, and the doctor told me that it is MS right away.

And you think she knew it in advance? Sorry, you think that she knew that in advance?

Well, after being hospitalized for 16 days and after the insurance that I had taken out for her investigated her past medical history, they found out that it was pre-existing, and they didn’t cover her expenses.

Okay, so when they did the investigative work, or when you found out that she had had it in this other country, what was the other country?

Iran.

Iran, okay, so she came over with MS. You were thinking that she didn’t have any health problems, and suddenly you’re married to somebody who has very serious health problems, and you’re angry because you think she lied to you. She knew it in advance, and...

Either she knew it or her parents knew.

So, meaning that you feel set up.

Oh, that’s right. Well, I feel very angry because, I mean, that was something that I should have known. I mean, had I known that she had MS, I probably wouldn’t have married her.

Okay, did you know her at all before she came over? Or was it an arranged marriage?

Well, it was...

Hey, I’ve got to interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is, "The Selfish Path to Romance," a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance, that’s interesting.

Or was it an arranged marriage?

Well, it was... well, I did my best to get to know her.

Yeah, by email?

How?

Well, also by spending some... about a month with her.

Okay, over in Iran?

That's right.

Okay. And nothing came out then about health problems?

Well, the only thing that I saw in her was some sleeplessness, or insomnia. I didn’t know which it was, but I didn’t make too much out of it.

Yeah. So what would you like some help with?

Sorry?

What would you like me to help you with?

Why am I consulting you?

Yes. What would you like? What question do you have?

How do I get over, first of all, the anger that I feel towards her and her family, as well as how do I overcome this anxiety? Because, I mean, a lot of things that I’ve been doing have basically been put on a back burner. I am behind in my work, in everyday life, and it’s causing a lot of anxiety for me. When did you arrive with the fact that she might create greater liabilities for me?

But you’ve divorced her.

You've divorced her. I thought you were totally out of each other's lives now. Or do you...

Yes, but when you bring someone over from another country, you sponsor her.

Oh, okay, so you feel trapped. You feel tricked. What are your options? Can you unsponsor her?

I cannot. No, that’s the problem.

When does it end?

She arrived in February, so it’s another two years and one month.

So you have to sponsor her for two years and one month.

Does that mean that if there are other expenses, or if she asks for help from the government or something, they may come after me?

Okay, I think you need legal protection—the best legal protection that you can find—and that’s out of my field of expertise. I think in terms of your anger and anxiety, you want to focus on protecting yourself and see if there's any way you can undo the injustice if you don’t want to be married to her, if you don’t want the responsibility of her, if you feel that you were deceived by her parents because it was pre-existing. Then you have every right to try to pursue legal means to cut ties with her and her family, right? And that’s the legal issue.

In terms of the anger, you want to use it to motivate you, not to get revenge at her family, because that’s just going to complicate your life, but to focus on how you can minimize the burden for the next two or so years that you have it. Two years will go by fairly fast, and then you’re free of her. Yeah, so you want to keep your mind focused on what you can do now, knowing that it’s not going to last forever. Luckily, the anxiety means there’s uncertainty, and the uncertainty is how do you deal with it? Which legal advice will help you with.

I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner on the rational basis of happiness.

And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner.

Did this guy ever see you eat after dinner? Is the time I need a cigarette most. As long as I don't stop eating, I’ll be fine.

Well, this is very good. You’re already identifying those moments that trigger your worst cravings.

Yeah.

There’s no need to be insulting just because you’re wrestling with an unhealthy and disgusting habit.

It isn’t disgusting, it’s wonderful.

And if you’re trying to give up any habits, such as smoking, notice that there’s a war within you. Part of you thinks it’s not disgusting, it’s wonderful. It’s great. It relaxes me. If we're talking about cigarette smoking, it relaxes me. It makes me feel maybe sexy or just cool. It gives me that little hit of nicotine. It’s wonderful. And then another part of your brain that’s not turned on right then is saying, "What, are you crazy? You don’t want to die of lung cancer like your father did. That was an awful death." Or, "You know, it stinks. Your clothes stink. People don’t want to be around you. It’s uncomfortable at family meetings." That war inside you. How do you resolve that conflict when it exists within you? It’s not just between you and other people, whether it has to do with smoking or weight, or any other problem or habit that you have that you don’t like. How do you change that? You can give me a call. I’m Dr. Ellen Kenner, a clinical psychologist. My show is "The Rational Basis of Happiness" and my number is toll-free 1-877-Dr-Kenner, toll-free 1-877-DR-KENNER, and you can ask me any question that’s on your mind.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from "The Selfish Path to Romance," the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author, Dr. Edwin Locke:

A personal trait valuable in romance is personal warmth. By warmth, we mean friendly affection from your partner. Warmth is essential for romance to flourish. Coldness can be temporary as a result of anger at your partner for some particular action, but romance is impossible if it is a constant presence in your relationship. How your partner shows warmth and affection is also important. Whether it’s through small gifts, loving words, hugs, frequent phone calls, and smiles and kisses, or through any or all of these ways and more, you’ll want to make sure that you enjoy each other’s affection and manner of showing it.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy "The Selfish Path to Romance" at amazon.com.