The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Welcome Dominique. Dominique, you're having some difficulty at work.

I am. Yeah, what's up there?

Well, I don't know if it's like I just heard low self-esteem, or a lot of people say that I guess I have social problems when it comes to, you know, communicating with my coworkers at work, and they're in a group, I kind of, you know, stray away from talking to them or trying to communicate with them because they feel, you know, maybe I'm going to say something that they're not interested in. Or, you know, is that, are they looking at me a certain way? Or what is it?

Okay.

So you have what I had when I was a lot younger. And it's not a matter of youth, because people have that at all ages, which is not having the confidence, not knowing how to trust your own mind and looking at the world as if you're looking through the eyes of critical judges, people who are going to pick on you, people who are going to say, “Well, that was a stupid thing to say. Why would you ever say that?” Or they might look at you and say, “Well, why is she wearing that? What does she think she is, pretty or something? Or, man, she gets her nails done. She must be an airhead.” Or is that? That's what you're concerned about, right?

Right. And when they glom together as a group, how does that make you feel?

Well, you know, they kind of invite me into a conversation with them, but I'm uncomfortable with that situation, so I kind of, you know, leave the group and go back to my desk and, you know, try not to be in a conversation with them.

Okay. What is the goal that you would like to set for yourself? What would make work and this particular problem seem like it's very light? It isn't a heavy weight anymore.

Right? Um, I would probably say more confidence in my, you know, communication skills, okay, or self-esteem, I guess, okay. And when have you felt most at home with a few people, with more than one person?

I really don't.

Okay. Even with a little group of friends or something or family members?

I, you know, and it's crazy. I really don't have friends outside of home. It's just, you know, my family members, okay, one or two.

How old are you?

I'm 24.

You're 24. Are you married or dating?

I am engaged.

Oh, congratulations.

Thank you. And you're fine in terms of feeling at home with your soon-to-be husband?

Yeah, listen to the confidence that you have right there. So what is it that you know what works well with him?

I guess I'm just comfortable with him. I know him, and I know that he thinks the world of me. Yeah, I know that he's not judgmental of me, so that makes it easy to talk to him.

Okay? And what if he—what advice would he give you, or do you imagine he would give you, if you were at work?

He would, and he'd probably kill me if he knew that I was on the phone with you, because he constantly tells me he wants to introduce me to a lot of his friends, and I'm not comfortable with that, because I don’t know. I just, I don't know what it is about me feeling like people are going to judge me in the wrong way.

Okay, let me give you some tips now.

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is—the Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

Let me give you some tips. Now, it's a major shift in your mind, and I know I went through it, and it's going from, “What do they think of me? Will I be okay? What could they possibly find wrong with me?” and making myself feel absolutely anxious in social situations, and preferring to be on my own to a point where—excuse me for a minute— to a point where I now have the experience of, “Oh, a group of people. I wonder if there's one or maybe two people that I would enjoy meeting that could be potential friends,” right? So I always mentally break up a group. A group is a group of individuals that helped me tremendously.

And then it became more one-on-one. Each person has their own independent mind, their own independent evaluation of me. And guess what? I have my own independent evaluation of them. For you to have found a partner that you plan to marry, for you to have found him, you need to have been able to judge good people versus those that are the critical judges and the nasty people and the gossipy people, right? So you have the ability to judge, to be able to separate out one or two people at work that you kind of would be interested in getting to know. Is there one? Can you think of one or two people at work that intrigue you that you would enjoy getting a little closer to?

Yes.

Yeah.

What's the first? Go ahead.

We've talked a couple times, like she'll come to my office or I'll go to her office and we'll just have a conversation. And it's fun around her, but it's just more of when you're in groups, I just feel more uncomfortable.

Okay, I don't know what that is.

Okay. Well, I'm starting to give you a little repeat, teasing apart the puzzle. Partly, if you're in a group, think of each one of them as an individual, rather than a big group that has one thought process and they're always going to pick on you. Think of people in your family of origin who may have picked on you. Was it mom or dad occasionally, or a sibling or a babysitter or grandparent? Does anyone come to mind who picked on you?

My sister.

Your sister? If you have as the template that people are going to be like your sister, then you will feel guarded for life, and you have to at some point say, “My sister doesn't matter. I am not going to go through life having her on my shoulder and imagining that everyone's like her.” Wouldn't it be better to imagine that people are like this lovely woman at work or your boyfriend or myself?

You sound absolutely lovely.

Thank you. And there are books. There's a book called The Loneliness Book. I don't agree with everything in it, but it does have some good social skills in it. And you can go to my website, DrKenner.com. Oh, I hope I have it on there. It's by Mary Ellen Copeland. And you can build your skills. There’s also a phenomenal book that absolutely turned me around 180 degrees. It's a novel. It's The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand, my absolute favorite author, and that showed me how to put myself in the driver's seat and learn how to evaluate others properly, not as the critical judge, not like your sister did.

So, okay, I hope that helps Dominique. I hope he gets nice smiles at work.

Okay, thank you so much for your call.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

Hello, Dr. Kenner. This is Chet from Whitby Island. I gave you a call last year. I was having problems with low self-esteem.

Ah, I see. And did my advice help?

I became more assertive.

Damn straight. You know, people say I'm downright arrogant.

Well, you know what I'd say? Screw them.

Well, perhaps you took my advice just a bit too far.

Who the hell are you? Screw you too.

And that's for Fraser. And there, there is a skill that you want to learn. It's very common when somebody has held in their feelings and they're afraid to speak up. They're afraid to voice their own opinion to maybe their parents or a loved one or a partner or sibling or a boss, and they hold in, they hold in, they hold in. And then they hear or read an article or go to a therapist and they're told, “Hey, man, you need to let it out. You can't hold it all in.” And they let it out, and it's that same feeling of, “You know, the heck with you. We don't care about you anymore,” or “I don't care about you anymore.”

And instead of learning assertiveness skills, there are absolutely phenomenal skills that allow you to say anything that's on your mind without having to be wimpy about it, without having to tiptoe around the issue, without having to play the hint-hint game, and still without attacking the other person too. So there are skills you can learn, and once you learn them, you have them for life.

I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner. I'm a clinical psychologist, and my show is The Rational Basis of Happiness.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner:

Communicating well about day-to-day living preferences and how you'll divide up household responsibilities helps avoid typical tensions and resentments. Communicating well is indispensable for making yourself lovable and making your love relationship work. There are numerous books on the market that give couples practice and communication skills, and most therapists are well-trained to teach these. It's a mistake to think that you're either born with these skills or that you're hopeless. They are learnable skills partners can have fun learning together. Making yourself lovable is an essential and exciting investment in your romantic happiness.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.