The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Here is a question I received from Shannon, and if you've ever had performance anxiety, you're afraid to be on stage or speak at a family wedding or event when someone says, "Hey, why don't you say something about the groom?" and you freeze. How do you deal with performance anxiety? Here is someone who's suffering from it.

Hello, Dr. Kenner, this may seem like a small problem, but it's not for me. I'm 20 years old and the female vocalist in a band. I have always had anxiety for performances, speeches, anything. I am not afraid of messing up, or having worries about what people will think, or anything like that. My current problem is that I have no stage presence, or what they call "rock out." I just stand there like a dud when I sing. I love singing, but I can't avoid locking up when I'm on stage. I want to be able to shake, rattle, and roll. My bandmates get upset with me when I sing, and I don't move at all. I have considered drinking to loosen up, but I'm not allowed to drink at the venues we play at for several more months when I'm of legal age. Help me with some advice or tips leading to a solution. Thank you very much, Shannon.

Shannon, go back to your earliest memories. You said that you've had this forever. So go back to your earliest memories of when you felt like you had performance anxiety. I can remember when I was a kid going to a classy resort with my parents and Nipsey Russell, who was a very popular entertainer at the time, asked everyone in the audience who would like to come up and dance with me. And I felt that lock up. I felt frozen in my body because as a kid, I knew my father, who loves being in the limelight, the spotlight, was going to have our whole family up on stage, and I wanted to slither under the table. And so that's one of my earliest memories of my own stage fright or performance anxiety, and you want to ask yourself, when did you first feel that fear? Because if you feel forced against your will, you will have anxiety. That's your own mind telling you, "Honey, this is not something you voluntarily want to do." You feel like you're pushed to do it from outside.

So one of the things you can do for yourself is look at your earliest memories. Also, a second thing you can do is look at what you say to yourself before you go on stage to sing in the band. If you say to yourself, "Oh man, I've got to shake, I've got to move my arms. I've got to move my feet. I have to rock to the rhythm." If you have all of that self-talk where you have the "should," "got to," "ought to," "must," "have to," you're trying to force yourself, and you will feel it war with yourself. The little voice inside of you that says, "Hey, man, I like moving to the music like a little kid would move to the music," can't even be heard amongst all of those loud voices saying you have to, you should, you've got to. And of course, if you have your bandmates also saying, "You have to move, you've got to move. You can't just freeze there," that isn't good motivation. You need to tap within yourself that "I want to" feeling, that kid feeling of wanting to do it for yourself. That is not an easy skill to learn.

How do you learn that? Well, number one, hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back. Romance.

Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: "The selfish path to romance, a serious romance guidebook." Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it @amazon.com. Hmm, the selfish path to romance, that is interesting.

How do you learn that? Well, number one is winning the battle of the self-talk, being able to talk back to those "should" views. You should do this and say, "Hey, listen, I want to be able to sing and feel uninhibited on stage. And I don't want the solution to be alcohol, because that only worsens with time." So that's out as a solution. You want a rational coping strategy. So number one, you could get some cognitive therapy and learn how to—or get to go to my website, DrKenner.com, and get the book "Mind Over Mood" and learn how to deal with negative thoughts that you're having and encourage the positive ones, the pro-you thoughts. That's a lifetime skill that you can give yourself.

Number two, you need skills. You need to be able to practice in public. I mean, not practice in public, but practice on your own, in private, maybe even getting some calls, which is on how to move. It's not known how to move. Little kids move freely to the music, but adults pay tons of money to learn how to shake, rattle and roll, how to move their hips, how to move their arms more gracefully or fluidly, or how to get some funky beat going. That's something that's a learnable skill if you do it for yourself, if you truly want that ability. I want that ability for myself, and I've gone to dance classes to learn it. And I also go to Zumba classes, Zumba aerobics, a dance activity that's very popular, and my Zumba teacher has a theme: if you screw up, who cares? She throws bumps up in the air. So it liberates all of us to just have fun, shake, rattle and roll like we've never done in our lives. And that's a lot of fun.

So you could practice on your own, practice with or get a coach to help you out and practice enough so you have the skills so that when you get on stage, it isn't a shock. You don't have that shock value, and don't beat up on yourself. If you lock up, say, "Okay, today I locked up, big deal. Maybe I'll shake a little tomorrow for myself, shake, rattle and roll for yourself." And so I wish you a lot of playfulness on stage if you want it.

And here is a question I received from Joey. See what you think about this.

Hi, Ellen, I am in love with my girlfriend, Janine. I'm 50 years old, and I think this is the first time I've actually been in love. She's in love with me, and she says she'll love me forever. She gets upset when I point out a flaw in her thinking, to say one will love another forever is to make the claim to be omniscient. I don't tell her I will love her forever. And she has a problem with that. She fears that if another better woman comes along, that I will change partners. She thinks that a rational person would be looking to improve their life, and if a better partner came along, they would upgrade. My point is that partners need to continue to be good traders on an ongoing basis, but on an ongoing basis to continue to build a good relationship. If I start to neglect the relationship, or she neglects it, we will fall out of love with each other. The bigger issue is her questioning me when I say I love you. She says, or thinks to herself, "Yeah, for today, but what about tomorrow?" Any help would be appreciated. Thanks, Joey.

Joey, you're playing with something figuratively. You're taking that idea that "I will love you forever." If my husband said "I will love you forever," I know that what he means is given the context of my current knowledge about your character, and given my current feelings for you, I can't picture them changing. I love you forever. There is a caveat, though. There's a small print that says, "Honey, if you change, if you become a bad woman, if you have a bad character, or if we grow in different directions, or if you lie, cheat, steal, I'm not going to love you." That's assumed. So I would not worry about that. I would love you forever. You can liberate yourself to say that if you feel comfortable knowing that you're not going to switch partners, you're not going to give your people to upgrade when they're in very bad relationships. So when they allow a relationship to get too close and not work on their own relationships, you don't want to do that.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner, that's the prize, a free buffet. Oh well, no, actually, it's not a buffet. It's a special reception at 10 o'clock in the penthouse conference room where a spectacular once in a lifetime opportunity awaits you. What do you think? I think it's some kind of scam. Oh, good. A scam. We'll do it.

And that's from the Rat Pack. And have you ever been enticed to get involved in a scam? You know it's a scam, but man, you know, it just feels so exciting. You can win that vacation, you can win that condo, you can win all that money, you can get that car, and you know it's going to cost time and money, and that, worse than that, you will feel like a sucker at the end of this. My husband and I now have a state statement. Whenever we hear something that's a scam, maybe it's listening to an astrologer on radio, we look at each other, we smile with this warm smile, and we go, "Oh goody, a scam." And that's a good attitude to have in your life, to have that ability to quickly detect scam artists and to be able to dismiss it. You know you're not going to go along with them, and you just have a way to just say, "Oh goody, it's a scam." And you can have fun with that.

For more Dr. Kenner podcast, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from the selfish path to romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner.

Active listening and assertive speaking are skills that are indispensable for good communication. For self-respect and for a loving relationship, you'll want these skills in all aspects of your life with your partner, including your sexual relationship. Communicating well lets you and your partner know what's important to the other, while avoiding misunderstandings and allowing your lives together to run smoothly. Communicating well helps you learn each other's vulnerable areas so that you don't unintentionally hurt one another. It also helps you make plans for your future together, vacations, career plans, buying and maintaining a house, having children or not. You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance @amazon.com.