The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and @amazon.com

So right now, talking about anger. Omar, you're dealing with anger?
Omar: Yeah, yeah, you're dealing with anger issues.
Dr. Kenner: This is Dr. Kenner, yeah, tell me what's going on.
Omar: I basically just get really angry, and I cannot control my anger. I mean, I throw stuff around, and I turn into really mean, first...
Dr. Kenner: Okay, and how, how old are you?
Omar: I'm 35.
Dr. Kenner: Okay, so this has been around. I'm assuming this isn't a problem that recently developed, but this is dear and true to your heart. It's been following you around or shadowing you for your whole life. Or am I wrong on that?
Omar: No, you've already started for the last year.
Dr. Kenner: Oh, see you were okay before then, you could manage difficulties better. What happened last year? You didn't get bent out of shape.
Omar: I didn't get. I became really possessive and really jealous and very angry for like, for nothing. I just get really angry.
Dr. Kenner: Okay, so we're talking about a relationship. Is this, and this is not the first time you have... are you married?
Omar: Yes, I am.
Dr. Kenner: You're married, and the woman we're talking about that you're feeling possessive of, is that your wife, or is that someone else?
Omar: Yes, my wife.
Dr. Kenner: That's your wife, and you've been married. You've been married for about how many years? Just ballpark.
Omar: 13 years.
Dr. Kenner: 13 years. Oh, you know how many... I don't know how many married years I've been married. So tell me what, what is your, you know yourself best, and instead of stomping around, one of the things you don't want to tell yourself is "I cannot control it," because what does your mind hear when you say you can't control it?
Omar: That I basically just given up and getting angry for nothing.
Dr. Kenner: Yes, you can beat up. It's like throwing your arms up in the air. What's the use? Why bother? So instead of saying, "I can't control this," you can tell yourself, you can just ask a very gentle question: "What would help me control this?" And of course, your phone call to me is the first is a wonderful step that you're taking. So tell me just in a nutshell, what happened a year ago that made you go from not feeling jealous to feeling jealous. Something happened.
Omar: Something happened. I like discovered a little lie, like little lies. And I think that's, that's what, whatever. That's how everything started.
Dr. Kenner: Okay, when you say little lies, were they lies? Give me an example of one that bothered you the most.
Omar: She told me, "Okay, I'm over here." And then I, later on, I found out that she wasn't there.
Dr. Kenner: Okay, so where was she? Was she at a bar? Was she carousing with a friend, a male friend?
Omar: With a friend, with friends.
Dr. Kenner: So she was lying to you. She's concealing this, right? And, and, and that didn't just happen once. Why do you think she'd be lying? What would you know her?
Omar: I don't know her at all.
Dr. Kenner: So what? What do you, why do you think she would be lying?
Omar: I think she's covering up for something.
Dr. Kenner: Okay, so see, I felt...
Omar: Like, I feel that she's doing something really...
Dr. Kenner: She shouldn't be doing?
Omar: Yes.
Dr. Kenner: Such as, what, what crossed your mind?
Omar: Basically, with another guy.
Dr. Kenner: Okay, so you're thinking not that she's doing drugs, but you're thinking that she's having an affair or relationship, or at least a flirtation, right? And do you have, what is your strongest evidence that your wife of 13 years is doing something with someone else?
Omar: Well, there's, there's basically no evidence. There's, there's just little lies that I find out. And I just say when people lie to me. I just get really angry.
Dr. Kenner: Yeah, but she did? She lie to you for the first 10 years of your marriage?
Omar: No, not necessarily, yeah.
Dr. Kenner: So what? What? When you went... did you ever have an affair at all? Omar?
Omar: If I did, yeah.
Dr. Kenner: Did you ever have one?
Omar: I did, but she doesn't know.
Dr. Kenner: Okay, okay, so here's, let me tell you what I'm what's crossing my mind now Omar, that if you cheated on her, then you... it's when, when if my husband cheated on, or if I cheated on my husband, let's put it the burden on me here, I might think, "Oh my God, if I could do this to him, maybe he could do this to me." Because you've had to hide your affair, correct? You've had to hide it from her. Was it just one affair you had? Or more than one?
Omar: Just one, just one.
Dr. Kenner: Is it still going on?
Omar: No.
Dr. Kenner: And you never thought she... never found out about it, right?
Omar: No.
Dr. Kenner: So do you feel guilty at all about it? Or you feel it's okay?
Omar: I feel guilty.
Dr. Kenner: Okay. That guilt comes out haunting you, not in a... not in a...
Omar: Go ahead.
Dr. Kenner: Go ahead, Omar.
Omar: Oh no, no, I do feel guilty about it.
Dr. Kenner: And do you think she suspects it at all?
Omar: She probably, yes, probably did.
Dr. Kenner: Do you think that she would feel happy about that, or do you think she would feel not kind of brushed aside and what?
Omar: Not happy at all. She would be not happy.
Dr. Kenner: Do you think she might want to get you back?
Omar: I think so.
Dr. Kenner: Okay, so it sounds like... have you ever been to counseling before?
Omar: No, I haven't.
Dr. Kenner: Would you, if, would you consider that at all?
Omar: Yeah.
Dr. Kenner: Okay, because instead of carrying this and try to figuring out how to deal with anger, it's deeper than just a surface anger. It's that you've betrayed her and you don't know where to go with it, and now you're watching, is she betraying me? What does she know? What doesn't she know? And if you're wanting to work on the relationship and see if there's a chance of repairing it, number one, I would go to my website, and there is a book called After the Affair on my website, and my website is DrKenner.com. I would get that book, and you could privately read that to see where you want to go with the affair, because it talks about mending relationships, and then the second is your anger towards her, both of you need to be able to open up. So you could go to individual therapy and then maybe couples therapy. So I would recommend that. There's also another book on my website, Dr. Weisinger, Anger Workout Book that would give you some tips for the anger too, but like putting yourself on pause, seeing what's legitimate and what's not. So, thank you so much for your call, Omar.
Omar: Thank you very much for taking...
Dr. Kenner: Thank you.
Omar: Oh, you're welcome.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this. NAD

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke.
Your ability to value romance can be helped if you have a rational approach to raising your own family. Being a parent is an awesome, time-consuming, long-term responsibility. Do not choose this role out of duty or conformity. Remember that it costs not only time and effort but also a lot of money to raise and educate a child. Plan long range by saving money and by locating your home in a good school district, make time for parenting and for romance, thus you maintain parenting as a value, rather than letting it turn into an unwanted duty or allowing it to undermine your romantic relationship.
You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.