The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Doctor Kenner.com.

Here is a question I received, and I think it's a real interesting one. Have you ever gotten something in your mind and you just couldn't get it out? People have this problem with obsessive compulsive disorder. They feel like they have to repeat numbers or words over and over again, or maybe it's a prayer that they feel they have to repeat and they can't get it out of their head. People with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder may have images in their mind that they just can't get out of their head.

I know when I was younger, I saw a Hayley Mills movie. I don't know if she was a darling little girl, but to me, it was Moonspinners, and there was a scary scene in it, and I could not get that scene out of my head for a month. Every time I would go to bed at night, this one scary scene in the movie would just haunt me, haunt me, and I couldn't get rid of it. I didn't have the skills I have now, and it felt like I was out of control of my mind.

Well, here's a woman who has a habit, and she feels like she is in that same type of situation. She's out of control of her own mind, and she wants to break a pattern and doesn't even know if it's possible. Think of what advice you might give her.

Hi, Dr. Kenner, ever since taking sign language classes about seven years ago, I practiced my finger spelling, and that's just using your fingers as if they were letters of an alphabet. Well, that's what they represent, and it's used with Deaf people. She said, I started out with license plate plates, practicing my finger spelling because it was good trivia, trying to make sure I could get all the letters and numbers right quickly. That's a very good skill for her to use.

And she continues. Well, now it's advanced to the point where I can't listen to or see anything without spelling it forwards and then backwards. If not with my hands, then in my head. It makes it hard to follow conversations, TV shows, or music. I've tried to stop, but it's like my brain just overruns everything else. What can I do?

Janine, it's my guess is that you're using strategies that are making the problem a lot worse. Let me give you one of those strategies. If I had that problem, if I constantly was, you know, thinking of, oh my gosh, how do I translate this into finger spelling? And then I become so proficient at finger spelling that I'm doing it all the time, and I can't seem to stop.

Then if I tell myself, okay, Alan, don't do it anymore. Don't fingerspell. Unfortunately, a don't command has the reverse effect on most of us. We hear don't fingerspell, and our subconscious hears fingerspell, and then we start developing an anxiety disorder.

Oh, my God. What if, in fact, people say that all the time, O, M, G, W, I, I even have it as, Oh my God. What if, because it's so common, and then you fill that, the fill in the blank, oh my God. What if I could never stop finger spelling? What if I'll have this for life? What if my husband leaves me because I can't be a good wife? I'm always finger spelling. What if my friends don't want to be around me because I'm always complaining about finger spelling?

And you end up with all of these, what ifs that, with these catastrophic thoughts? And that is not a good change strategy that instead is going to embed the problem even more. And so you, what I highly recommend,

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw here? It is the selfish path to romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfish romance.com and buy it @ amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish path to romance that is interesting that instead is going to embed the problem even more.

And so what I highly, highly recommend is learning how to be the master of your own mind. And right now the gold standard in skills and learning a series of skills that can help you break this habit, or any habit. It may not be this, if you're listening and you're saying, Well, you know, I never finger spelled. I don't even know what the heck it is. Maybe you pick your nails, maybe you're overeating, maybe you're obsessively, obsessively washing your hands or counting in your head, and you can't get it out of your head. Maybe you want to stop smoking or stop drinking or drugging or stop gambling.

Is change possible? Yes. Change is possible. The first thing you want to check is your change premise. If you think you can't change because you haven't been able to do it for seven years, that is going to undermine you. Then you want to ask yourself a question, maybe even write it down on paper and answer it.

What would my life be like? You can do this, Janine, about with the thing, if I no longer had this problem, what would my life be like? Start to paint the imagery, the picture of no longer having this problem. So your subconscious starts to believe that it's even possible. And then you want to ask yourself, have I been resourceful? Have I done anything in the past seven years where I've had a break from this?

Has anything worked? Have I ever been able to stop finger spelling? And then you would look at whatever worked and see if you can use that as a strategy. Consciously use it as a strategy. Maybe you put mittens on your fingers or something, and you didn't finger spell.

Also, you want to notice with cognitive therapy, you want to ask yourself, What do I say to myself those catastrophic thoughts that are called stinking thinking? You're going to need a method to challenge that thinking.

What if I never am able to change? Well, you want to be able to challenge that. What if no one will ever like me? You want to change that too. How can I break this habit? Not what if I never can do it? Because your subconscious isn't going to access any skills to help you out.

So I'm going to recommend that you go to my website, Dr. Kenner.com, d r, k, e n, n, e r.com, and look up the books changing for good and mind over mood. And I think that will help put you on the right track. You can also go to the cognitive therapy website, Academy of ct.org and look up how to deal with anxiety disorders, and maybe get some professional help.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Dr. Kenner.com and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, who's world-famous for his theories in goal setting.

Another reason why the view that sexual pleasure is only physical, unrelated to your mind, your values, or your character is very wrong is that if its expression were only a physical instinct, no experimentation or discovery would be required to fully enjoy it. But both partners benefit from learning what techniques work to arouse and give pleasure to one another. This requires thinking and communication.

You can download chapter one for free by going to Dr. Kenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance @ amazon.com.