The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

There's such a thing as dullness of heart, acceptance in letting go. Sooner or later, we all give up, don't we? Maybe you all do. It's my idea, the original sin.

What is giving up?

And that's from The Miracle Worker, and I agree, you never want to give up on your top values, the things that move you, that drive you forward in life, that make you want to get out of bed. You don't want to just throw in the towel and throw away your goals and then just settle in a boring job, a boring relationship, or not have a hobby you enjoy and just float along in life. I mean, you might as well throw away... You are throwing away your life. With me to help you not throw away your life, and to learn how not to give up but to learn from experience, is a thinking expert, Jean Moroney. She has master's degrees in electrical engineering and psychology, and she's completed a graduate program in the philosophy of Objectivism at the Ayn Rand Institute. So you put that all together—engineering, psychology, and a rational philosophy—with Jean's wonderful passion and all of her knowledge about thinking, and she's here to help you solve your problems. And that's the topic today: learning from experience.

So some people say, Jean, some people are cynical, and they just say, "You can't learn from experience. Just give up." What are your thoughts on that?

Well, I guess I have to agree with Annie Sullivan in The Miracle Worker that giving up is a terrible idea. And the problem is, people don't always know how to learn from experience. It's not always obvious what to do differently. So I think the number one thing you need to do to learn from experience is deliberately give yourself the learning experience within 24 hours of what it is you want to learn from. Stop and think about what went right.

Okay, let's say I'm dating, and I just have dated... Well, I would say within the past two months, I've dated five guys, and it's just not working out. It must be me. I don't know what the problem is, but they don't call me back, and I just... I just give up. I mean, what's the use?

Perfect example, because this is what I call flailing. You're doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result.

Well, I'm dating different guys.

Yes, and getting the same result.

Yeah, they don't call me back, right?

So the thing to do here is to give yourself a chance to see what exactly is going on. And I actually recommend that within 24 hours of your date, you sit down with a piece of paper and pencil and answer these questions: What went well, and what do I think contributed to that? Certainly, some things probably went well in the date.

Yeah, we laughed a lot, and I thought they really liked me. And I thought, you know, people have a sense of humor. I have a good sense of humor. And I thought everything was going well. We talked; we didn’t just sit there like bumps on a log.

Well, that sounds like in your example, there is stuff that went well. Ask yourself the question, "What didn’t go well, and what do I think contributed?"

I think the same thing. I think that I talk too much about myself, and I don't know how to listen to the other person, and they probably don't feel comfortable with me, because I am a very strong personality. I have a strong personality, and I laugh a lot. Maybe it's too overpowering for them.

So this is very interesting, because these two questions that I suggested—what went well and what contributed, and what didn’t go well and what contributed—are easy to answer, particularly if it's soon after. That's why I say 24 hours. You always have thoughts on that, and it’s fairly easy to get them out of your subconscious. So that's one part of the process, to get out your thinking on that on paper. There’s a third question I think that’s worth asking: What would I do differently another time?

Taking it from what I just said, I think I can still have my wonderful, delightful sense of humor. I can still come on strong because I'm not a weak person. I don't want to sell myself as a meek, withering violet when I'm not that way. So I think that next time, I will just learn to listen, to share the air time more, and to ask them to talk more about their life, maybe ask more questions.

What we get from just asking these three questions is you get your first cut at what you think needs to be different to make it better next time. And I can tell you that just by taking, say, 10 minutes to do this in writing within 24 hours—because you won’t remember after 24 hours, too many things will intervene—this will really come into focus for you, so that you're more likely to remember to give the other person a chance to talk or listen better the next time you have a date.

Okay, what I was going to say is, if you really want to get the most out of this review, you need to take one more step.

Hey, I’ve got to interrupt this, because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance... Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance... that is interesting.

What I was going to say is, if you really want to get the most out of this review, you need to take one more step, and that is after you've done this writing—say, 10 minutes of writing out what you thought about all this, what went well, what didn’t go well, and what should I do differently next time?

Yeah.

Go back and reread what you wrote with a "fishy eye."

Okay, now what do you mean by a "fishy eye"?

I mean a critical eye. When you're first answering the question, you just give the answers that seem natural. But when you go back and you reread—this is part of critical thinking—you don’t just take your off-the-top-of-your-head answers for things. You go back and look at it and see, "Well, is that literally true, or is there another way to look at that? What am I assuming here?" So, for example, you might have written, "We laughed a lot." Maybe when you went back and reread it, you realize, "Gee, I laughed a lot. I laughed at everything he said, but he didn’t laugh as much as I did." And so, you know, it came out in certain words when you first expressed it. But then when you go back and you look at it with kind of a critical eye, you say, "Well, do you know, this is a little different from that." And maybe there’s something you can learn from "Gee, I was doing all the laughing, and he wasn’t." Maybe my laugh was a little bit nervous. And maybe I need some way to be less nervous so that I’m not laughing at everything. I mean, I'm just making that up.

Right, right.

Well, I’m making up the example because I’m happily married, exactly.

You don’t know what you’re going to find when you start this process, particularly the "testing assumptions" part, where you look at it with a fishy eye. I think it’s very helpful to add that second step, because, in effect, by saying what you thought off the top of your head, you give yourself a second chance to say, "Well, do I have anything that contradicts that?" That is going to be the way that you get a deeper understanding of what went right and what went wrong.

Right, and go ahead by questioning your off-the-top-of-the-head answers.

And I'm thinking I might have gone back and maybe something very positive came out of it. Maybe it wasn’t that I had a nervous laugh. Maybe it was that I knew within the first few minutes of talking with the person that I was not interested in them. And I had five dates over two months, but I wasn’t interested in any of them. Somehow I might have sent those vibes to them, just subtle cues, and that’s why they didn’t call me back—because I might have been a stronger person and was actually rejecting them, rather than them rejecting me and me throwing in the towel.

And that comes under the heading of testing assumptions also. Should these dates have led to follow-up dates? And maybe, maybe you were too focused on, "Gee, I want to have follow-up dates," as opposed to, "Do I want to have follow-up dates with these five guys?"

Right, right.

And I'm talking with Jean Moroney. You’re a fabulous expert on thinking skills, and you have a website, thinkingdirections.com—that’s all one word, thinkingdirections.com. I went to your website. I spent a half hour on it last night. You give thinking tips. Talk about what else you have on your website.

Well, I have book recommendations, some of which I got the recommendations for the books from you, Alan, and then wrote up reviews for them. And I have information on how to sign up for my free email newsletter that’s at thinkingdirections.com—the words "thinking" plus the word "directions," all run together. And let’s see, what else... Well, information on my course Thinking Tactics, and on some preview classes that I run for them.

Right? You have tons of information. So just go to the website, thinkingdirections.com, and thank you so much for joining us today, Jean.

Thanks for having me.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this now.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner:

Finding the right romantic soul mate requires not just an emotional bond but a harmony between one’s reasoned judgment and one’s feelings. Let’s assume that you’re reasonably well off in the "lovability" department—that is, you possess qualities such as moral virtue, self-esteem, passionate valuing, and more. Assume further that you’ve met someone who possesses similar qualities. Does that mean you found the right romantic partner? Absolutely not. Although love needs such a solid foundation, that foundation is not the whole story. Romantic love is personal and individual. Someone who excites one person may leave another person indifferent or completely turned off.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.