The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at drkenner.com, and right now, I want to welcome Jessica to the phone. You're wondering how to deal with your ADD, Attention Deficit Disorder.

Yes. Ma'am, yeah.

What's going on?

Well, I have trouble holding a job for one. I can be a bartender, but I can't be a server because there's a lot of different stuff going on. Like, I can listen to three people at once, but if I'm going around, I can't pay attention. I can't really explain it, but my biggest problem is I have trouble holding a job and dealing with my peers, not, you know, being too much for them.

Okay, so it's hard for you to multitask. If you're being a server and you have multiple tables that you're waiting on, I'm assuming that's what you're talking about. It's hard.

No, no, I have trouble dealing with peers in general. I'm really hyper, and I don't pay attention well. I get yelled at because I'm off staring into space rather than listening to what somebody has to say.

Okay, so it's a focus issue. You need to know how to train yourself to focus better. When have you been best at focusing? Think of a time in your life when you were able to nail it.

During band class.

Okay, tell me what you did then.

Well, I was doing something that I really liked, and I was so into it. I wanted to pay attention and learn more because it was something I liked to do.

Okay. So, Jessica, that's exactly what any of us need. We need the motivation. We need to find within ourselves what would make this job interesting and allow us to stay focused and want more information. I can tell you, I would probably be diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder if you had me listening to football games or baseball games. Do you follow any of the games, like football, baseball, basketball, or whatnot?

I do. I'm a college football fan.

Okay. Are you able to focus then?

Yeah, for the most part, on the games. I can keep focused pretty well during them.

So you know who the teams are, who wins, what the score is, and some of the players, right? If you put me in a game, guess what you would observe—

Hey, I need to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is—the Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh, the Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

If you put me in a game, guess what you would observe. Now, mind you, I have my PhD in Clinical Psychology.

You probably wouldn't be paying a whole lot of attention, because it would be boring.

I don't care at all about those games. Even though I was a cheerleader in high school, I didn't know what a first-and-10 was, and I didn't care. Now, that's not very cool, is it? But I loved cheerleading, I loved the athleticism, and I knew a little bit about the games, but I didn't care about football, basketball, or baseball. But put me into ballroom dance, and I will focus on every hip motion, every body wave, every nuance of emotion, the feistiness of a tango. I will focus on everything. I love it. So, what you want to do is figure out how you can tap into your own motivation, that wonderful curiosity. Forget about the label of ADD, Attention Deficit Disorder, because you’re more likely to brush it aside and say, "Oh, it's just me. I can't do anything." Are you with me on that?

I mean, I am, because you get sucked into a label, and then it's almost like branding yourself: "I can't focus, and it's just me. I always have problems with people." Remember what you did in band class. Figure out what you like about being a server or working with people. Now, you could probably give me a laundry list of the things you don’t like, but think about what you like. Bartending—what made you even interested in the job? Was it just the money?

No, it's because I get to talk to people. I guess that's my biggest problem. I'll stop and talk to people forever and not be as fast as I can. That's another part of the ADD. I quickly lose my focus on one thing and drop to the next.

Okay, so then you want to retrain yourself. If you need to do this job and keep the pace going, what kind of outside reminders could you give yourself and rehearse in advance so you get a little bit of the talking to people but still reorient yourself to getting the drinks or the food or whatever it is you're serving? What could you do for yourself?

I guess remind myself I'm at work.

Wonderful.

How would you do that in a loving, gentle, warm, playful way?

I have no idea.

Could you think of it as band class, where you want to get the order done so you can talk to another person for two minutes? You could give yourself a rule, like when I go on email: "Okay, I've got five minutes, and that's it," then I turn it off. You set your own inner clock and train yourself to do that. So, you can talk to the person for a few sentences or paragraphs and then wrap it up. Wrapping it up is a skill.

Yeah, sure, because I'm going to need to wrap up in a minute, right? Or less than a minute. So, you need a skill. You can't work on a million skills at once. Let me sum up—and notice I’m wrapping up now, I’m summing up. Let me sum up what I hear, which is that you can look at the ADD label and get some information, but don't brand yourself with it. You can move away from it. Know that you can focus when you're very motivated—that’s the second point. Think of band class or sports. You're good at that. Know that you love to talk to people, but you need to limit it on the job to be good at what you do—that's the third thing. Then, be very gentle in making that change with yourself. Come up with two or three things, like tracking time for two minutes or a few paragraphs, and then move on to talk to a new person. I wish you the best with that. Have fun with it.

All right. Thank you very much.

Oh, you're very welcome, Jessica.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

Now, speak to me. "I love you." Yes. Speak to me of love. "I love you." Now, be eloquent. Be brilliant for me. "I love you very much. I ask for cream, and you give me milk and water. I adore you."

And that's from Cyrano de Bergerac. That's a fabulous movie, and that's the imposter. He's not as eloquent as Cyrano is, and she's expecting Cyrano to tell her eloquently how much he loves her. Think about the people in your life. Are you able to freely express how you feel about them? Now, if you really don’t like the person, sometimes you need to figure out how to say it accurately, or not say anything. The people you truly adore—do you find something in the way, and the words come out stale or trite? "I love you." "I love you." How do you express yourself in a way that's meaningful to you and to the other person, the person who’s so dear in your life?

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to drkenner.com.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner.

A romance killer is the joy killer of being mentally passive. When you let your mind rust, you become dull. You become a shallow person with no serious interests or goals. Some people passively copy what others value or make choices based on unanalyzed feelings. For example, Benson reveals, "My dad went to college and became an accountant. He told me to do the same, so that's what I ended up doing. I don't like it, but it's a living." Benson is taking a passive approach to his own life. What if he does the same in romance, falling into a marriage without knowing what he wants? Only thinking purposefully about what you want, followed by action, will bring vitality to your life.

You can download chapter one for free by going to drkenner.com, and you can buy the book at amazon.com.