The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

Man cannot survive except through his mind. He comes on Earth unarmed. His brain is his only weapon. But the mind is an attribute of the individual. There is no such thing as a collective brain. The man who thinks must think and act on his own.

That is thinking for yourself, owning your own life, doing the thinking that brings you closer and closer towards your own goals, rational goals, which brings you closer and closer to your own happiness. And I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner, and that movie quote was from The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. She's my favorite author—Ayn Rand, spelled A-Y-N R-A-N-D. And an expert not only on Ayn Rand, but someone who has a degree in electrical engineering, a master’s degree, a second master’s degree in psychology, and additional training in rational philosophy, objectivism, is Jean Moroney. She’s here to help us talk about how to have a balanced life.

Think of your own life and think of the things you're not doing that you wish you were. For me, it's dancing. I love dancing. I love bike riding, and I want to add those activities in and make them an integral part of my life. Welcome to the show, Jean.

Jean: Thanks for having me, Ellen.

Dr. Kenner: So how do you have a balanced life?

Jean: Well, you know, the first thing I want to say about that, taking off from the quote from The Fountainhead, is that only you can figure out how to have a balanced life. This really is something that the individual has to figure out for themselves.

Dr. Kenner: So you're not going to tell me how to have my balanced life, but you will give me some tips on how to go about doing it, right?

Jean: What I can offer are tactics for thinking about such a big and complex issue. The fact is, you have many, many values—as you said, dance, work, kids, time with your husband. You have all these values, and you want to pursue them all, but you’re the only person who can really judge whether you have the right combination to create a fulfilled, happy life. It requires hard thinking.

Dr. Kenner: When you say hard thinking, what does that mean? If I'm thinking, “my kids are a top priority, my husband's a top priority, I love my work, and I also love dance,” what type of skills would you give me if I'm turning to you for help?

Jean: I suggest doing what I call background thinking and generating ideas—basically seeding your mind to generate ideas. This type of question isn’t answered by sitting at your desk for half an hour. It’s answered over months, maybe years, as you work out what is important to you. One thing I think is very important is taking steps to think actively about the topic, setting up your mind to look for new connections. For example, one skill I teach is thinking on paper. Every day, as a ritual, sit down and spend three minutes—literally three minutes with a timer—thinking about one issue in your life, like “Why is dance important to me?” Spend three minutes thinking on paper about that. The next day, maybe you think, “How can I finish work by 6 pm to always make it to dinner?” Spending those three minutes builds up over time.

Dr. Kenner: I love that example.

Jean: Well, what happens is a cumulative effect. Each time you spend three minutes in-depth thinking, it sets up your subconscious to look for better answers. For example, if you spend three minutes on dancing and realize you like it because it refreshes you, the next time you go dancing, it will actually reinforce those values. You’ll have thought about it beforehand, and your experience will be heightened.

Dr. Kenner: So I’ll feel more refreshed, get more pleasure from it next time, and maybe even understand that it helps me express a range of emotions—Tango is angry, Rumba is sexy, Cha-Cha, Swing is playful and joyous. Then, when I dance, I’ll think, “Oh my gosh, this is a playful song,” and it will underscore that for me.

Jean: Exactly. And some things you think are big values might turn out not to be as significant. For example, I thought giving a party would be fulfilling, but when I did, it didn’t bring the pleasure I expected. I realized it’s not a priority for me.

Dr. Kenner: So you’re monitoring what’s valuable, running experiments, and assessing afterward to determine if something really matters.

Jean: Yes. And by doing some thinking in advance, I didn’t need much effort for the rest of it. It happened naturally because I had set up my mind beforehand. If you try to do it all with hindsight, it’s harder.

Dr. Kenner: So thinking in advance or routinely. You’ve told me privately you keep a thinking notebook—a personal notebook and a work notebook—and write in them daily. Is that right?

Jean: Yes. The life balance topics go in the personal notebook. For work, I use the thinking notebook to solve problems, like deciding the order of topics in a course.

Dr. Kenner: So, getting back to life balance, how would you sum that up?

Jean: It’s worth your time to think about it. Making a small daily commitment adds up to a clear picture of what’s important and how to achieve it.

Dr. Kenner: And having a specific time of day for this, like morning or evening, builds it into your routine.

Jean: Yes, having a routine helps a lot.

I’m speaking with Jean Moroney, an expert on thinking skills. How can people reach you, Jean?

Jean: The easiest way is my website, ThinkingDirections.com. That’s “thinking” plus “directions” with an “s,” all one word.

Dr. Kenner: And you have tons of free information, tips, book recommendations, teleconferences, and courses for corporations or individuals. Anything you want to point people to?

Jean: Signing up for my free email newsletter is the best way to stay updated on upcoming events and get alerts for new resources.

Dr. Kenner: I love your thinking tips—they cover everything from dealing with doubt to overload. Thank you so much, Jean, for joining us today.

Jean: Thanks for having me, Ellen.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com. And now, please listen to this.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook by Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke:

"Your romantic partner cannot also be your therapist. The roles are totally different. Your partner can be understanding and supportive, but they cannot be responsible for your mental health. If you're struggling with self-doubts, fears, or anxieties, don’t expect your partner to ‘fix’ you. That is your responsibility, along with the help of a professional. Mental health is important, and psychological problems can be resolved if you seek professional help, put in the effort, and do the introspective work. You need not remain a mystery to yourself. Removing the barriers to your happiness makes you more lovable."

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance on Amazon.com.