The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance.
Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

What if you have obsessive-compulsive disorder? Well, what is that? That's when your mind latches on to thoughts or images that you don't want. They're uninvited, and they're usually very negative thoughts, maybe of hurting people or that something bad is going to happen to you, or that you’ll be embarrassed. You try to stop these thoughts or to neutralize them by doing something else, which we call compulsion. Maybe you check the refrigerator door, or you check the house door many times to make sure that it's locked. Maybe you pray, or maybe you count in order to get these thoughts out of your head. Maybe you have irrational rules that you're following. For example, “If I walk in a circle five times, then my boyfriend will call me,” or “the bad thing won't happen that you're anticipating.” And none of those are practical.

So, here is a woman who is suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder:

Hi, Dr. Kenner, see what you think on this one. I'm 21. I'm a 21-year-old married woman, and I've been suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder for one and a half years. It started with thoughts of harming people. Then it went to health; I was worried about getting certain diseases like cancer or Alzheimer's. Then it went to thoughts of not liking my husband. It's ruining my life and my love for my husband. Every day I wake up with thoughts of being gay, like nonstop, and they never go away unless I browse the internet to reassure myself that I'm not gay, I'm straight. I have loved men my whole life—again, you're 21 years old, so that gave me a little smile—and always had dreams of men, but I was never attracted to the same sex, and I don't want to be. I want myself back. I've lost most of my attraction for men. Ugh. I hate this. Will it ever go away? I keep thinking about my future and that these thoughts are ruining it. They keep me from enjoying my life. I really want to see a therapist, but my hubby doesn't want me to. He and my parents think that they are a waste of time and that OCD will go away on its own. Will this ever go away?

Carissa

Carissa, number one: Yes, you are right. Get yourself to a therapist. Be independent. Don't go by what your hubby thinks or what your parents think. This is your life and happiness. If this were going to go away on its own, it would have happened a year and a half ago. It's been going on way too long, and you're building up mental thought paths—mental habits—that you want to address. The sooner you address them, the better for you. But get yourself a good therapist. I can understand why many people say, “Oh, therapy is a waste of time,” because therapists differ. Get yourself a cognitive therapist. That's what I would recommend, because they’re going to teach you thinking skills.

For example, let me tell you a few things you're doing, and then I'll come back to your marriage and what's going on there. A few things you're doing: When you say, “Will this ever go away?” that's called a negative rhetorical question, because the answer to that in your subconscious or in any of our minds is “No, it never will.” So, we give up, and we get more anxious. We release more cortisol and adrenaline, we get more depressed, and we think the future is hopeless. Then you're attacking one of your core ideas—your most fundamental ideas—about your life. If your future is hopeless, if you'll always be tormented by these thoughts about your sexuality, that you're gay, then that's a problem. You want to be able to look at your sexuality more accurately, rather than torturing yourself.

In cognitive therapy, they would also teach you skills about not predicting a negative future. It's called the “fortune-telling error.” We tell our kids, “You’ve got a messy room; you'll never go anywhere in life.” Oh, what a mistake, because kids hear those awful things we say. We say them to ourselves too, like, “Oh, I lost my keys; I'm such a space shot; I'll never go anywhere in life.” Come on, get over it. You don’t want to make that fortune-telling error. Once I learned about the fortune-telling error—I used to make it a lot—I was able to stop myself from doing that to myself.

You’ll also get to the underlying issues of what's going on, and that’s what I want to turn to now.

I’ve got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That’s it—a very quick ad, and then we’ll be right back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

So, you'll also get to the underlying issues. What's going on? And that's what I want to turn to now. So, what's going on when you had thoughts about harming people? Notice that you did overcome those, so first, credit yourself for that. I have worked with many, many sweet people who wouldn’t harm their dog—their pet—but they have these terrible thoughts. And many times, it's just displaced anxiety; something else is going on in their life that they want to address, but they torture themselves with these sorts of thoughts. So kudos to you, Carissa, for getting over those. And with a therapist, you can explore: “Hey, how did I do that? That was pretty cool!”

Then you went to health. We usually call that hypochondriasis—when you focus on “Oh my God, I must have cancer,” or “I must have Alzheimer’s.” Again, you’re 21 years old, so the chances are quite rare that you would have Alzheimer's. But people who get riveted to that idea, even if they get good news from a doctor, they say, “Oh, what the heck does the doctor know?” and they go doctor shopping.

The third set of thoughts: you call them obsessive-compulsive thoughts. You said it went to thoughts of not liking your husband. That's where I would want to dig a lot deeper. You want to understand yourself in your marriage—what's going on in your relationship? What's the story behind your intimacy with your husband? When did these thoughts start? You want to give yourself the gift of being honest with yourself about what's going on in the marriage. Many times, there are sexual problems, especially with couples who are just married. And it could be that there are sexual discrepancies—maybe your husband wants sex a little rougher, or in ways you don’t enjoy, or maybe more frequently than you do, and you don't give yourself a voice. Maybe he's kind of tough to deal with, I don't know. And if you don't give yourself a voice, many times, I’ve worked with women who’ve said, “You know, I could do without men for life—it’s just too much.” They’ve had one or two bad experiences and generalize to all men.

So, number one: all men are not like that. Number two: The whole idea about being attracted to a woman isn’t a moral issue; you have a right to be attracted to whomever you want. If you're saying it’s not comfortable, we call it “ego-dystonic.” It’s not sitting well with you; you don’t want those thoughts. You don’t want to just push them out of awareness, because then they flood back in. Just like if I said, “Don’t think of pizza right now,” all you would think about is pizza. So, you want to get the skills from a good therapist. You can go to the website AcademyOfCT.org for a cognitive therapist. You can also visit my website, DrKenner.com, for book recommendations. There are many good cognitive therapy workbooks, too.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner:

Did this guy ever see you eat after dinner? That’s the time I need a cigarette most. As long as I don’t stop eating, I’ll be fine.

Well, this is very good. You’re already identifying those moments that trigger your worst cravings.

Yeah, yeah. There’s no need to be insulting just because you're wrestling with an unhealthy and disgusting habit.

It isn’t disgusting. It’s wonderful.

And that’s from Frasier. You probably recognize the voice. Notice when someone else comes in and tells you it's disgusting and awful, you rush to the defense. Most of us do that, even if we have a bad habit. When someone tries to fight against us, we then pursue the habit even stronger. Why does that happen? And how can you change that? Well, number one: You need to be clear in your own mind. If you want to, in this case, quit smoking, you need to be clear on why. What are the benefits to you of quitting smoking? Sometimes people even make benefit cards—little cards they carry around to remind themselves why they want to quit smoking.

The alternative is coming up with a list of quotes, values, of why you enjoy smoking. These are real reasons: it relaxes you, there’s camaraderie when smoking with others. But these are, in psychological terms, permission-giving beliefs. They give you permission to continue the bad habit. So whether you're overeating and say, “Oh, I can have the cake today, I’ll start my diet tomorrow,” bingo—that’s a permission-giving belief. You're giving yourself permission to continue the bad habit. You want to collect those thoughts and work with the people around you so that they’re supportive, not critical.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke:

You cannot value romance if you don’t have other values in your life. Some of the other areas in which you can pursue values are friendships. Choose friends whom you value and who value you; don’t acquire them by chance. Terminate friendships that cause boredom or pain, and don’t spend a minute longer with people who make you unhappy. Also, hobbies—find fun activities to spend your free time on. Some can be solitary, like reading or painting. Others can be social, like tennis or dancing. If you can afford it, treat yourself to lessons with a professional to give yourself a growing sense of accomplishment. It’s a special bonus if some hobbies can be shared with your partner.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.