The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DoctorKenner.com and Amazon.com.

John, welcome to the show.

Thank you, Doctor.

Yeah, you have a question on this 12-step method?

Yes, I've been in a 12-step recovery program for 15 years, and I'm finding a need to be in another fellowship as well. One has worked very well for me, and I'm struggling to maintain sobriety in this other fellowship. Your name came up, and I'm wondering, is it rational for me to rely on 12-step recovery programs so that I don't practice the addictions that seem to be compulsive in me?

Okay, what are your habits?

I've had alcoholism, and then the other one is food and sex addictions.

Okay, when we call them addictions, what do we assume? That we're powerless over them and that our lives have become unmanageable? And then it becomes how easy or hard it is to change. If a doctor says, "Ellen, you've got diabetes." I don't have it, but if he says that, then I have to work within the bounds of diabetes if I want to live longer and happier, right?

Yes.

When you're told you have an addiction, it's like a rubbish stamp on you that then tells you, what about the change process?

How do you mean?

Well, if somebody tells me that, let's say that I drink too much, and somebody tells me it's an addiction, you know, it's partly genetic. It's partly maybe, you know, habits from a long time ago. But regardless, you need to give yourself up to a higher power. You need to recognize that you're an alcoholic for life; you can never let down your guard, and that you'll need to go to meetings and have a sponsor. What type of view is that presenting to me?

That I'm relying on—no hope, really. Well, the only hope, then, is to do what others do, and that's to get a sponsor, read the book, go to meetings, and practice abstinence, right?

And now let's say that you heard somebody have a different approach, and they say, "Listen, John," or if I use myself, "Listen, Alan. You have been drinking way too much. Let's figure out why you're trying to escape because alcohol works." I mean, in quotes, "works." It helps you feel better when you're not feeling well, when you're psychologically not feeling well, when you're confused, your mind is muddled, or you feel guilty, or you feel depressed, or you feel anxious. I mean, people use it for a reason. They're not stupid, right?

Right.

So if I say, "Let's figure out what's going on in your life and what thinking skills you could use that would make you not even want to turn to alcohol," and let's take it, if you want, one step at a time. I mean, you can't overload a person, but it's not one step at a time in terms of abandoning your mind to a higher power. It's loving your mind, embracing your mind, and being willing to face good facts about yourself. Some people are running away from, actually, very good traits that they have that they feel, unfortunately, guilty for. Maybe they're ambitious, and they feel guilty for being too selfish. They want the better things in life, and the parents don't want them to go a certain route. That's an unearned guilt, and it would be much better for them to recognize that that's an unearned guilt and deal with it rather than just continuing a habit.

I agree, it turns into a habit, but I don't see it as an addiction. And habits are something you can break. Turning to alcohol as a means to deal with problems that are in your mind. So if I said to you—

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it, a very quick ad, and then Alan will be back. Romance.

Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

So if I said to you, "Listen, you don't have to be an alcoholic for life," and AA is not the only route. There are rational recovery programs.

Yes, and you can have a cognitive therapy approach, or there are other approaches too that are effective. I mean, people respond differently to different interventions, but you can gain the thinking skills that can help you face head-on whatever the main problems are that are driving you to drink. Do you eat too much? Is that it? Right? You're morbidly obese?

No, no, I just binge on sweets, cookies. I can eat a box of cookies at a setting.

Oh, that's—yeah, so can I. But I have changed. I mean, as a child, I used to sit with the marshmallow, the chocolate-covered—I don't know what they were—Graham cracker, delicious treats. I forget the name now, and I could go through a box at a time. I used to sneak and steal them out of the cabinet in the middle of the night when my parents were sleeping. Talk about—that's, in fact, I wouldn't call that an addiction. It's just a pursuit of values. And knowing my parents wouldn't let me have it.

And sex? Are you very promiscuous? Are you taking risks that could put you at risk for health problems?

Certainly. Yeah.

Okay. Can you get yourself to a car? I'd love to just get you to a rational therapist. Are you in AA?

Yes, yeah.

Okay. Let me go back to my first point, which is that if you have a different view of yourself as capable of change, capable of seeing all of these three problems as in the past, would you like that view better?

Yes, it's open.

It's available to you. It's what I ran refers to as "check your premises." Look at your core fundamental philosophical ideas about yourself, about the world, about others, about your future, and make sure that you are making choices and have the thinking methods to really thrive in life. And there are—I wish I could say there are a lot of objectivist psychologists. There aren't yet. The closest thing is a cognitive therapist, but some of them come from irrational theoretical orientations. So you can go to the Academy of ct.org. You can go to my website; that will list cognitive therapists around the country. You can go to my website, and there is a book, "Sober for Good." That's an excellent book by Anne Fletcher, okay? And that's just dealing with the alcohol problem. But you can also—there at my website, DrKenner.com, there is also a book, "Changing for Good," okay? And that just totally pulverizes the view that change is impossible. The idea of turning to a god or mysticism really robs you of your own mind, and it keeps you tied to that system and tied to that, in quotes, disease, which I don't see as a disease. Somebody—I went to a talk yesterday, and someone said, "You know, if alcoholism is a disease, then if you have a gene for alcoholism, then you have to have a gene for speed; you have to have a gene for pot." He said, "It's bizarre. It becomes ridiculous if you look at that genetic approach to alcoholism."

So listen, thank you so much for your call, and I wish you your own hard-earned sobriety and happiness.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Kenner and Locke.

We've all been the target of insults at some point in our lives. We're familiar with the sinking feelings and hurt that accompany such moments—not the warm closeness of soulmates, but the emotional turbulence of facing an adversary. We feel anger, hurt, guilt, frustration, helplessness, or hopelessness. We feel misunderstood, cast as a villain, accused of doing things we did not do and of not doing things that we did do. In some relationships, this love-destroying cycle goes on for decades until death or divorce puts an end to it. When your partner, your best friend, has turned into an enemy, you both lose. Poor methods of communication are dysfunctional. They don't work even when the accusations are true.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and buy it at Amazon.com.