The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com

This is Meryl. No, that's unacceptable. Listen, tell Warren, if we don't ship by Tuesday, we won't be in the stores by Mother's Day, and that's unacceptable. So don't give me any excuses. And do it. Do it. Just shut up and get it done. Oh, honey, you broke your phone. It's okay.

I carry extras. Be very purposeful as to how you set up your life, or you'll be eaten by the demands. This was said by Dr. Ed Locke, and it's my pleasure to welcome him to the show today. He's a Harvard alumnus with a PhD from Cornell. He's a senior writer with the Ayn Rand Institute and a fellow of the American Psychological Association, and he has so many wonderful tapes on self-esteem, stress and coping, making effective choices in the study process, and setting goals to improve your life and happiness. Welcome to the show, Dr. Locke.

Thank you for having me.

I want to give you a situation that many moms and probably some dads can relate to, and tell me how would life planning help reduce the stress: "I'm at wits' end, my nerves are absolutely frayed, Dr. Locke. I'm working part-time as a paralegal, and I'm taking an evening course in law, and then I have to take the kids to soccer, to dance, to karate, and on top of that, Mom is always calling me to pick up something or other for her and to take her to her doctor's appointments. And then I've got this friend, Krista. Now, Krista is a good kid. I like her. We've been friends for a long time, but she's always complaining about her kids, and I just don't have the time to talk with her, but I can't tell her no. Then picture this: My husband comes home at night. He's relaxing with his newspaper. He's got a beer in his hand, and he wants sex. Yeah, right. He never helps out. He just thinks that bringing home a paycheck is all that's needed. I'm telling you, Dr. Locke, I am so stressed out that I'm afraid I'm going to go crazy. I'm afraid I'm going off the edge." Now, how could I use some life planning there to help me out?

The first thing you would need to do is sit down with your husband and say to him, "I can't live like this." And say, "Let me go over the things that are driving me slightly insane, and let's together work out a plan for me to lessen the stress." For example, if the husband is such a great breadwinner, maybe the part-time job is not necessary. Maybe the husband could do more around the house, more cooking. Maybe he could sometimes take the kids to activities. So I think that would be the number one thing — to work out a plan with your spouse to divide up the labor so your stress is not so high.

That takes breaking a huge pattern. Because if my husband hasn’t been talking... I mean, if this is the pattern that’s set in, and this is what he’s come to expect, we probably need some counseling to be able to break it, right?

Possibly, if he’s not sympathetic, and tell him, assuming she loves him, tell him, you know, she really likes sex, but her life is so stressful that she can’t... she's just too tense to get in the mood anymore, and that that's causing her additional stress. That might catch the husband’s ear pretty fast. So that could be a way to turn things around. She’s got to be assertive in a nice way, and say, "I can’t deal with this. It’s affecting everything, and it’s affecting our relationship."

In a book I recently read, they talked about tipping over the first domino. If she invites him to have sex, then that might be a good means to catch his attention and engage his cooperation better. And then what about all the other things? I mean, the kids are just booked to the hilt. And then she’s got her mom, and she’s got her friend Krista. What can she do about all that?

I’ve got to interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Ah, here it is, The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

What about all the other things? I mean, the kids are just booked to the hilt, and then she’s got her mom, and she’s got her friend Krista. What can she do about all that?

With the kids, sometimes you can share responsibilities with another parent. Every other day, they could do it, and every other day, you could do it — parents who have their kids in the same activity. That can often be helpful. Now, with friends, it’s a difficult thing because you don’t want to hurt your friend, but your friend’s not really being a good friend by using you as a therapist. So I think you have to be proactive in choosing your friends as well as every other part of your life. And if your friends aren’t making you happy, then they’re not great people to have as friends. So you could start by simply saying, "I do value your friendship, but I just don’t have the time to deal with this. I’m going to have to cut down the amount of hours we talk a week." Your friend will undoubtedly be hurt, but that will be a starting point. It might end up breaking off the friendship, or it might not, depending on the situation. But it looks to me like a one-way friendship, not like a two-way friendship, right?

And even the thought that you had about the friend really needing therapy... she could say, "You know what? I feel like I’m functioning as your therapist, and I’m not educated enough to do that. I’m thinking, if you have therapy, then we could touch base. Maybe we can talk for five to ten minutes, and you can catch me up on things." But to put a time limit on it too... then that may help retain the friendship.

Yeah, that’s another possibility. And with her mom, again, we don’t know the details of the mom’s income or health, but she could say, "Mom, I’m just completely overloaded. Could you possibly take a taxi to the doctor?"

Or go with a friend? Mom’s network of friends? Or they now have vans. Many cities have vans. You can call them. They’re decent.

So you have to really be firm. You can’t be in a position of being exploited with your own consent. You have to not sanction what’s happening to you, and take action to change things. No one will do it for you. You have to do it yourself, right?

So she needs to stand back and look at her entire day or week, see how she’s spending her time, and start to prioritize what’s of top value to her. If it’s her evening course in law, then that may come first. If it’s time with her husband, then that may come first. If it’s time alone — many women or men in the same situation want some time alone — that may come at the top. And then you’re also breaking all of her problems into individual bits, rather than dealing with them all as one lump sum, right?

But often you can combine the problems. A lot of the problems concern joint responsibilities with her husband. A lot of the problems are of that nature. So even though it seems like one thing, it’s actually five things — cooking, house, kids...

Maybe they could hire a housekeeper. Maybe they could hire a kid after school to drive the kids. So if she lets her husband know where she’s at... many women don’t speak up. Or if the husband’s in the same situation, he needs to speak up. If communication breaks down, then you have a life full of stress. Well, thank you so much for joining us, Dr. Locke.

Thank you for having me.

And I want to spend a few minutes, or a minute actually, on private time. How important it is for each of us to have some time that is our own as stress management. Some time where maybe you just take a break for an afternoon. Maybe it’s just an hour. Maybe your partner goes away for a few days, and you’re able to live and make all the decisions on your own without having to constantly integrate a life. You can still have a wonderfully loving relationship and still enjoy having time away from your partner. It makes it more exciting to come back to your partner. It’s like getting a babysitter for the kids, in a way. You need the break away from your kids, and then you can appreciate them even more. So be good to yourselves. See if you can work in some private time this week.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke.

It’s important to understand what and why something makes your partner angry, but not all anger is justified. A partner may characteristically blame others for everything that goes wrong. Never accept unearned guilt for someone else’s unjustified anger.