The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

You weren't so damn stubborn. You'd apologize to Ross. Everybody would be happy as usual. You're overlooking a key psychological component in this whole issue. You'd have to admit you were wrong.

Exactly. See, what's so hard about telling Ross you were wrong? You don't understand. You see, it's not the same as dad being wrong or you being wrong. I have a degree from Harvard.

And that's from Frasier. I'm sure you recognize the voices. And what do you do? Are you able to apologize? One of the most serious things that a couple needs to apologize for is if they had an affair, and how do they bring themselves to apologize for such betrayal?

So with me today to discuss the topic of apologies, but more broadly, of affairs and damage control, is Dr. Tiffany Kistler. She's an assistant professor of couple and family therapy at the University of Rhode Island. Dr. Kistler teaches courses in couple and family relationships and in sexuality and sex therapy. She's published and presented at national and international conferences on her clinical research, which includes sexual functioning, relational and sexual satisfaction, and sex therapy techniques. Dr. Kistler is the co-founder of the Psychological Center for Sexual Health in Providence, Rhode Island.

Welcome, Dr. Tiffany Kistler.

Thank you very much for having me.

Oh, you're very welcome. It's a pleasure. Now, let's imagine that a couple comes into yours or my office, and the woman has just learned it is raw. It is a wound that her husband has had an affair. What are some of the things you might do to help the woman and the couple absorb the blow of the affair?

Now, this is a very intense situation upon discovery of an affair, and emotions can be quite heightened from both partners' perspectives. So here, the most important thing to help with damage control is restoring equilibrium. What we need to do is encourage the couple not to make a rash decision about the future of the relationship just yet because when emotions are high, they can't think as clearly about what they want to do with the next steps. So we might start with trying to get a little bit of information about what happened, when it began, when it became sexual, has it ended, and who else knows about it? Sharing that information is very important at the beginning stages of discovery.

Okay, but what happens if I'm that woman and I say I am in such pain? Dr. Kistler, I am in such pain. I just want to leave him. I can't think of anything. It hurts so and I'm so angry with him. You know, I want to kill him. I know I'm not going to kill him, but I just want to throw all his clothes out. I just can't believe that he was in the arms of another woman.

I think it's important there to have some sympathy, sympathizing with the perspective of the person who is going through this or the injured partner.

So what would you say to me?

Well, first, I would put it in a normative context and probably talk to you about some of the feelings that you're experiencing, so that it's normal to feel betrayed, to not be able to sleep well at night, to feel like your world has been turned upside down. Depression and anxiety can arise in times like this, and you could feel very uncertain about absolutely everything in your life. So I'd want to normalize some of the process that the person is feeling.

Okay. So you do need to tend to me. And it was fascinating because I was role-playing, and my shoulders were all crunched up in this real tight... you know, I was so anxious, angry, and depressed, and as you were telling me, like saying that you would listen to me and tell me it's normal to feel angry and upset and hurt and whatnot, my shoulders just relaxed. I relaxed. It was like she's listening to me.

Isn't that wonderful?

I think another part of it that's really important is teaching some time-out and some venting techniques because, as you said, you felt that tension in your shoulders, all kinds of emotion just flowing through your body, and we need to learn an adaptive way to release it that's going to also minimize additional damage to the couple, minimize hurtful behaviors that are occurring between them, so a safe place to get out some of this emotion that's building up.

Okay. And what would be one of those techniques that you could give me?

Well, basically, hey, I've got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

How. Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is, The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

Okay, and what would be one of those techniques that you could give me?

Well, basically, asking for some space is really important. As you're working through the anger, there can be all kinds of triggers that come up, and you're noticing an eruption in here. You need to tell your partner that you're going to need to take a time-out, that you need to, you know, go off on your own. Go get on a treadmill, get some exercise, and tune into some of the self-care techniques. I think it's also important to eat well at this time, watching your diet and all the different aspects that can contribute to your well-being, so it's really learning how to self-nurture during this time rather than just flail.

Yeah, nurturing is a beautiful word to think about. Here, you need to be nurtured at this time, now more than ever, and with yourself. I mean, with other people, it's wonderful, but with yourself too.

So how do you help a couple talk about the affair while minimizing the damage? Because usually, it's finger-pointing. Well, you did this. I can't believe you did this. We hadn't had sex for six months. What do you expect?

Oh, absolutely. I think one thing that's absolutely critical here, at least in the therapy room, is that you do not let your couple, as tempting as it is to get into that pattern, get into that negative dynamic in the therapy room, as they do outside. So here you're going to model a different way to communicate about these issues. Focusing on your own emotions and your own feelings is an important place to start, rather than accusations or what you did to me and what happened in the past. That's going to be really important to try to learn how to regulate in session.

So it's better to say, I'm feeling so hurt, or I'm feeling so vulnerable, or I don't know who I am anymore. That's better to say, rather than you, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, rather than the finger-pointing stuff, right? So you keep them in a safe territory.

Now, what about dealing with the graphic details about sex? You know? Where did you have it? In that hotel? Oh, my God, I have to pass that hotel every time I go to work, and now that's all I'll think about.

What an excellent question. And you know, this isn't a question that comes up a lot, and that is, how much detail do I give my partner as we're talking about this? Usually, the injured partner wants to know everything, but I tell you, most of the time they report later on that they wish they hadn't been told all the graphic details. It doesn't help the healing process, and it doesn't restore safety. So what I do with couples is help them set limits about which type of information to share with each other and spare each other the graphic sexual details of the encounters.

Right? So you don't get, did he do it better than I did, or did she do it better than I did? Absolutely, right?

So what type of questions would you explore with couples?

Well, I would want to know about where they are now. So how did they get here? What are they thinking about the relationship? Do they want to move forward and try to stay together? If so, what do they think needs to happen in order to get there? Also, looking at what sorts of factors might have contributed to getting them to this place that they are at this point in time.

Okay, and I just sort of in case people want to get in touch with you. I'm speaking with an expert, Dr. Tiffany Kistler, who is the Assistant Professor of Couple and Family Therapy at the University of Rhode Island, and she is the co-founder of the Psychological Center for Sexual Health in Providence, Rhode Island. And your email if anyone wants to contact you.

Yes, it is tkistler, k-i-s-l-e-r, at uri.edu.

Okay. And there are wonderful books too that you can read. I know one of them is After the Affair, and the other one is...

There is Getting Past the Affair.

I think that's right, Getting Past the Affair. Wonderful resources. I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner. It's been so great being with you today, Tiffany. Thank you so much.

Thank you.

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Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner.

Sex therapists suggest giving pleasure with a non-demand for intimacy agreement understood between you. If, for example, the woman fails at a massage that inevitably leads to intimacy, she will avoid giving or receiving massages when she's not in the mood. With a non-demand agreement, the wonderful massages or warm moments of intimacy will increase, some leading further, others enjoyed for their own sake.

What if the relationship and intimacy are good, but one partner still wants it much more frequently than the other? Usually, though not always, this is the man. If the woman is comfortable with this without building resentment, she can help her partner achieve satisfaction without intercourse. And of course, if the man treasures his partner, he will not pressure her to have intimacy every time he feels aroused.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.