The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and @amazon.com

Can I get a double pizza burger, chili fries with cheese and a large chocolate milkshake? I don't know. No matter what I eat, my weight just seems to stay the same. So figure what the hell—I'm gonna eat what I want.

That's from Shallow Hal. And have you ever had that experience where you set a goal for yourself—in this case, losing weight—and you just feel like you're not making any progress? And at a certain point, you just throw up your arms and just say, "What the heck, I’ll eat anything I want."

With me today to discuss thinking problems—you know, just giving up on yourself or having the emotions get in the way, or feeling overloaded, or feeling some self-doubt—is Jean Moroney. She's a fabulous expert on thinking, on the foundation for all problems that you're going to have in your life, and that's thinking. And she helps you make your life run smoother. She's got corporate clients from BB&T, Microsoft, Amazon.com, and she’s got two master's degrees, one in electrical engineering, one in psychology. And she has a passion for helping you think better. Welcome to the show, Jean.

Jean: Thanks for having me, Ellen.

Ellen: So what do you do if you're in a situation where you're trying to lose weight and you just feel like you're not making any progress? What are the things that might get in your way?

Jean: So I think it's helpful to realize right at the front that if you are having problems reaching a goal, there is almost certainly some kind of thinking problem involved there. Because if you had been able to figure out the how-to steps and made it really easy and step-by-step for yourself, you would just march toward that goal.

So I think the first thing is, when you feel like you're tempted to give up on a goal—if it really is important—there's some thinking to do about what is the problem there.

Ellen: So I know we were talking about the goal of losing weight. What would be one suggestion you have there? What might she be struggling with, you know—"Okay, I’ll order all these fatty foods because no matter what I eat, I don’t lose weight, so I figure, what the hell"?

Jean: Well, what I would suggest is that she start thinking about—this is assuming that she’s just in kind of a cynical thing and in fact she wants to lose weight—start thinking about, “Well, what am I trying to do, and what are the problems there?”

And so, for example, having been on diets and exercise programs from time to time, I know one thing that can be a problem is: I’m always getting tempted by food, and I never have a way to say no. Or, you know, there’s never a time to exercise. Or I don’t like the foods that I’m supposed to eat.

One thing that could happen to her if she turned her attention to thinking about what is the problem is she might, in fact, find that there are a lot of interconnected problems. She might, in fact, be overloaded by the number of different small problems that need to be solved in order for her to lose weight.

Ellen: So the problem there is overload. And what could she do there?

Jean: Well, overload is—first off, recognize this is a real problem. You can only think about so many things at once, and so if you're experiencing overload, it is very important that you do something about it. And I think there’s a fairly common-sense solution that people use as a first approach to this, which is to make a list. Make a list of all of the things that get in the way of pursuing that goal of losing weight. And I bet there are a lot of them.

Ellen: I don’t have time to exercise. I love the foods. I can’t give up these foods. And I use them for stress management. I eat when I’m nervous, right?

Jean: When you get those all down on paper and black and white, one thing that that does is it helps you focus, and helps give you a chance to say, "Okay, well now I understand why it’s a problem." Once you’ve got it down on paper, it’s not going to be running around in your head, and you can start to think about how to deal with this—one at a time.

The bottom line is that when you’re overloaded, you need to think about things one at a time.

Ellen: Okay.

Jean: Now, there may be another problem involved there too, which I want to raise if you don’t mind.

Ellen: Okay.

Jean: The other thing that can come up is—

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Jean: Now, there may be another problem involved there too, which I want to raise, if you don’t mind.

Ellen: Okay.

Jean: The other thing that can come up is what I call doubt or uncertainty. Sometimes the things that are coming up are not things that you have to do, but questions like, “How am I going to find time for exercise?” That is—or “How am I going to say no?”

Those are things that you have some kind of uncertainty or doubt about. That is a second big thinking block. And for those, you need a slightly different approach.

Ellen: What would you do?

Jean: Well, my recommendation there is: write down what you do know. So, for example, with the issue of exercising, you could probably write down a little bit to yourself about: what do you know about the problems with exercising? Like, “It doesn’t work at this time.” “It doesn’t work at such-and-such time.” “I’m tired in the evening and I don’t like going to the gym—it’s boring,” right?

And by writing down what you do know about trying to exercise, you sort of put that in perspective. And you can now do what is a crucial second step if you’re feeling doubt, which is test your assumption in what you "do know." The bottom line is that if you're feeling doubt or uncertainty, you have not sorted out everything on this topic. And the first thing you need to do is to kind of consolidate: what do you know, and what are the open questions?

And once you've written down what you think you know, if you go back over it and reread it, what can happen is you can see, "Well, gee, you know, I didn't really give that a fair test. I thought I couldn't exercise at 8 a.m., but I only tried that once. And in fact, I think maybe that is a good idea."

Ellen: Yeah, that’s a good example. Yeah. So if I were trying to—if we use a different example, Jean—I'm overloaded in my schedule right now. I have way too much for the time that I—for any day. What would you recommend that I do?

Jean: Well, again, I think these two basic solutions to thinking problems can be very helpful: a basic solution to overload and a basic solution to uncertainty. So the first thing that I would suggest you do if you're feeling any kind of a block is switch from thinking in your head to thinking on paper.

What that's going to do—start writing down the ideas going through your head on paper in full sentences, okay? That's going to help you tell whether your problem is uncertainty or overload.

Ellen: Okay. With me, it feels like it's uncertainty more than doubt—or I mean, not uncertainty. It feels like it's more overload, which means I know I have to cut back. And to decide what to cut back, I guess if I wrote everything down on paper, it would be easier for me to prioritize better, to circle the things that are most important, which is what I do anyway. But is that what you're recommending?

Jean: Yes, that's the basic solution to overload: make a list of all these things that are overloading you. And then you need to choose. You need to prioritize, as you said. Now what can sometimes happen—I think very commonly happen—is you can make the list with no problem. But then deciding what's most important, or deciding that you're not going to do some items on that list—that’s where doubt comes in.

Ellen: I see. So I'm actually—you know, I say I do have this problem. And the way that I've handled it is I just say I can't do everything at once. So whatever I give my attention to—that totally has my attention right now—and the rest will have to wait, as if there are a whole bunch of children in line, and the others just have to wait in line quietly and patiently while I work on this one and thoroughly enjoy it, and I’ll get to the others later.

Jean: Yes. And that kind of thing—of giving yourself permission to solve this problem a little bit at a time—I think is an excellent tactic. And what it does, it basically lowers the standard. You don't feel that you have to find the perfect solution. Now you can kind of rough in a solution, do what you think needs to be done first, and then come back to the question after having done that, when everything else will be a lot clearer.

Ellen: That sounds great. And I am talking right now with Jean Moroney. And if you feel stuck in your life—if you feel like you're just flailing, or you've got a lot of doubts, or you're on overload, or you've got any other thinking problem—Jean is the person to turn to. She's got a website with tons of information and some freebies on it. She’s got thinking tips, and she’s got workshops that she offers. Jean, tell me a little bit about what you offer.

Jean: Well, if you check out my website, ThinkingDirections.com, you'll see I have a free email newsletter you can sign up for. Every couple of months I do a free intro session—a free introductory telephone call—for my Thinking Tactics course. I offer the workshop, as you mentioned, and there are a lot of tips and book recommendations up there which you can read.

Ellen: Wonderful book recommendations. So thank you so much for joining us today, and I look forward to talking with you again, Jean.

Jean: Thanks, Ellen.

Ellen: And her website address is ThinkingDirections.com—ThinkingDirections.com—and I highly recommend it. I have learned so many wonderful thinking skills from Jean Moroney.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke.

There are rational, practical approaches to resolving conflict with your romantic partner—and anyone, for that matter. For example, nip escalating tensions in the bud. When people stifle thoughts and feelings, they stew quietly, and anger surfaces indirectly in their body language and tone of voice. People who have stored up a lot of hurt and frustration may suddenly let loose fairly aggressively, using flawed communication methods. Some individuals manage to stifle their feelings for a lifetime, and they become seriously depressed. They never give themselves a voice, and they betray their deepest desires.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.