The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Drkenner.com and Amazon.com.

I spoke to Mitch at the diner. He said you can start on Thursday. He won't give you a hard time. I'm not great at taking care of myself. Gets easier. Takes practice.

And that's from Buffy. Are you good at taking care of yourself, of nurturing yourself, of getting the right amount of sleep? And what about all that tension that you hold in your muscles? Do you ever consider just going in for a wonderful massage or a muscular therapy session? Or just relaxing for an hour to discuss massage, sensuality, and stress reduction? Joining me to discuss this is Gretchen Blaker Mason, a member of the Center for Sexual Health. She's on the team at Psychological Centers, and she's a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor specializing in sexual and relational health, as well as a licensed massage therapist with 15 years of experience. Gretchen also teaches human sexuality at the University of Rhode Island. So Gretchen, welcome to the show.

Thank you, Alan.

Many people just lose touch with themselves. They get wrapped up in the day-to-day messiness of life and don’t know how to take a little time out to nurture themselves, to relax, and to value their body. Taking care of your body also helps you take care of your mind. You’ve been a massage therapist for 15 years—how does a massage allow someone to reconnect with themselves?

Well, taking the time to receive a massage, even just taking that time, is a real gift. Allowing oneself to be in that truly receptive state and tuning into the subtleties of information in the body... unless we really pause and stop to access that information, we miss out on a lot. The experience of massage, in some ways, can be like an inch-by-inch awareness of pleasure or tuning into where things are tight. It can be very therapeutic because it’s a safe environment to let go.

So it’s really a gift to yourself. It’s like you’re learning about a different aspect of yourself. I do something very similar with the Alexander Technique, and I also go for massage therapy. Once, with the Alexander Technique, I wondered, “Why my face?” How do you release tension in your face? So many of us carry it there. When I started to work on that—releasing the muscles, relaxing the forehead and cheekbones—I had an immediate psychological connection. I realized that I have family members who take tons of pictures, and I’m one of them too, but I always had to smile for pictures. That forced, fake smile came from always being told, "Look at the camera. Smile," even if I wasn’t feeling happy. That was a psychological breakthrough for me, just like a massage can be for others.

That’s so interesting.

I’ve heard you must see this too. After 15 years, you must notice people holding tension in certain parts of the body, and it’s not just muscular tension.

No, it’s not. There’s really—

Our emotions and memories are in our muscles.

Not literally, but we hold them that way.

Right. Even neurochemicals released in the brain flow throughout the body, and there are dense receptors around the abdominal area. Sometimes when we’re nervous or excited, we get that “gut feeling.” The field of psychoneuroimmunology has helped us understand how we’re all integrated, how everything is connected. If we think of ourselves as just being in our brains, we miss out on tuning into the rest of our bodies.

People see that in therapy. When someone touches on a deep, important topic, sometimes their leg shakes uncontrollably, even though it didn’t happen a moment before. Our bodies speak to us, and we need to learn to listen. How, as a massage therapist, do you create a relaxing environment?

Safety is number one. That’s the priority because there’s no letting go or relaxation without safety. It starts with a conversation with the client about their needs and being responsive to what they need. In terms of the physical environment, I’ve traveled over the years and visited different spas or massage clinics, taking something from each place. For example, in Germany, Austria, and Sweden, I noticed different things. In Germany, for instance, I remember a spa where the experience wasn’t just an hour or two; it was a half-day event. Older women sat in the steam room, talking about recipes and dinner plans. It was a social, connecting experience, very different from the American culture where it’s more individual and quiet.

Hey, I’ve got to interrupt because we’ve got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that’s it. A quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

For example, in Germany, what I remember about the spa experience was that it wasn’t just an hour or two; it was a half-day. Women would sit and socialize, sharing recipes and meal plans. In a spa in an Irish castle, they offered decadent fruit skewers and little smoothies—small details of healthy nourishment that added to the relaxation.

Right. It can help you relax.

How could someone use similar methods at home to create a relaxing environment to reduce stress?

Creating a space that isn’t cluttered, turning off the TV or computer, and thinking about what type of environment is relaxing—considering music, lighting, what’s soothing to the senses, maybe a favorite aroma or essential oil. It’s amazing how these little things can affect the whole atmosphere.

Even if you just took five or ten minutes out of your day to listen to relaxing music, sit in a chair you like, or apply a soothing hand cream—you’re nurturing yourself. Now I want to go get a massage! How can people get in touch with you if they’re interested? I’m speaking with Gretchen Blaker Mason.

Sure, I have a website: healthassomtherapy.com.

Okay, and that’s H-A-L-S-O-S-A-M.com. It’s a Swedish word meaning “healthy living.”

Thank you so much for joining us today, Gretchen. It’s fascinating to learn how other cultures approach sensuality and body care. For everyone listening, ask yourself today: What could I do to nurture myself? Would I like a new aroma in my home? Some music? Tidying up to make my environment more welcoming?

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Drkenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner:

To be told by your romantic partner what it is about you that they adore offers irreplaceable value when it mirrors your self-image. Notice that you can’t gain visibility from someone whose character is fundamentally different from your own—a co-worker you despise, a date with whom you have nothing in common. Such a person’s way of approaching life is alien to you. You will not feel an affinity for them or a reflection of yourself, and you certainly won’t feel romantic attraction. To act as your mirror, another person must share important values. One of the most painful complaints you can make about your partner is, “He or she makes me feel invisible, unimportant, like I don’t exist.”

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.