The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com

Have you ever had a problem with your memory, and you just said, I don't know, maybe I'm getting older, maybe I'm getting Alzheimer's, or I've never had a good memory—and you start beating up on yourself? Well, you don't want to attack your own mind. You want to figure out what's going on.

And this woman is actually—she may not know it—but she's attacking her own mind. This is from Tina:

Hi Dr. Kenner,
I have huge times in my life as a teenager that I have no memory of. My sisters and I will be talking, and they'll say, “Do you remember?” And I honestly do not remember the specific situation they're talking about, even though they insist that we were all there. I've thought about seeing a therapist and hypnotist, but I'm afraid that maybe I don't remember—maybe I don't remember because it would be harmful to me. What do you recommend?
—Tina

Tina, to live with things as they are now—thinking that, “Oh my God, what's wrong?”—there’s a big question mark here. Is it my memory? Well, your memory is your mind. And, “Maybe I'm hiding some deep, hidden secret. Maybe there's a skeleton in my closet. And what happens if I do remember it? Oh my gosh, maybe all hell will break loose.” To refuse to face a fear is to assume that the worst is true. That’s a paraphrase of Ayn Rand, my favorite author.

And you don't want to go through life feeling that there's something going on behind the scenes in your own mind or your own life that you don't know about and can't face. You're assuming you can't face it—and you're also assuming that it's true.

So here's what I recommend. Instead of—initially—you can always go to a psychologist, but instead of doing that, there are much better ways to trigger memories. Now first, before we get—well, I will name them right off the bat, why not?

Look at some old family photos or videos or movie pictures—if you're older. I don't know your age, so if you're talking about yourself as a teenager, maybe you're 25 and you forgot what happened at age 18? Well, then I would put a pretty big question mark. You know, what's going on here? You know, if they said, “Don't you remember the earthquake, when we were all in the earthquake during our teenage years?” And you said, “I don't remember it.” You know, something would be odd about that, because an earthquake would—

My daughter was in an earthquake in LA, Los Angeles, and boy, I'm sure she'll remember that until her dying days. You know, she was on the fifth floor. The whole building was shaking. You don't forget your first earthquake.

Maybe, if you live in California and have a lot of earthquakes, you start to forget which was which, and you know, you take it more in stride—but you do remember important facts.

So if you're much older, if you're 75 years old and you forgot your teenage years, that may be a problem. I mean, that may not be such a problem because you haven't thought about them in a long time.

So it could be that you weren’t in the situation that your sisters are insisting that you were in. It could be that you were in—you did have some trauma—but then you want to be able to face it. You want to make yourself whole. And the chances are, you don’t have any inkling of trauma.

So I tell people, don't arbitrarily go searching for trauma if you don't think there is any. You know, you don't want to have to make up memories that don't exist.

It could be that you encoded different information than your sisters. I could go into a museum, and I could be looking at some very wonderful paintings, and my husband, who might be more bored, might be looking at the furniture in the museum. And so he doesn't remember seeing the paintings because he didn't focus on them. It’s an issue of focus.

And so you also want to rule out memory problems related to disease or medication, or if you were on drugs or alcohol at the time of your teenage years, maybe you didn't remember because you were out of it—and I mean literally out of it.

So there are a lot of reasons why people have memory problems, but I think you could have a lot of fun by trying to remember the kitchen table when you were growing up. Trying to remember who was at the kitchen table. You know, talk with your sisters about it, assuming you have a relatively normal childhood. And if—even if there are some negatives, I'm assuming it's not huge trauma—you can try to remember what birthday parties were like.

You can ask yourself some questions: What do you remember? And then warm up that context in your mind, and that might help bring back some of those memories.

But I would have some fun with it. Try to remember some good memories.

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Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke:

Here are a few more assertiveness tips that may help you express yourself more effectively:

Pause to let your partner digest what you have said. Give your partner time to think, ask questions, and respond. Do not demand that your partner give you an answer or an apology right then and there.

Share the airtime. It’s not fair to sit down to dinner and expect your partner to listen to your complaints and concerns non-stop for an hour. Remember that both listening and assertiveness should be used by both partners.

Nor is your partner your therapist. If you feel desperately overburdened with problems, seek professional counseling.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com