The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

This is a question I received from a woman who—well, you'll see she's under a lot of stress. This is from Bess:

Hello, Dr. Kenner. Do I need help? I'm not a wacko. Just been through a lot and still going through a lot. My sister's friend was just found dead outside her home after being missed for several days. When my sister told me, my gut response was to say, "Wasn't she lucky?" Meaning, it was over for her and she probably didn't suffer.

I am not afraid of dying, and I sometimes think it would be much easier than continuing to live my life. I've had a lot of traumas in my life, and she lists a few of them.

Fourteen years ago, we lost our oldest daughter. She was 18, eight months pregnant, and she and the baby were killed by a drunk driver.

The second one—soon after, my third child was diagnosed with a rare and deadly, incurable disease. He lives with us. He's terribly depressed, unhappy, and deteriorating.

The third one—five years ago, my youngest daughter was incarcerated for dealing drugs. She was the mother of a two-year-old, so we were left to raise him while she was in jail.

Okay, that's a heck of a lot of trauma right in your own inner circle.

So Bess continues: Things are somewhat better now. Our daughter has been home for a year now, out of jail, and she's doing well. She and our grandson live with us. I now work as a clerk at a local college. Our brand new home was built to accommodate my son and we are having a nightmare with water problems.

That's not a good thing, but the fact that they have a new home is good.

We are staying one step ahead, but I am so tired of all the problems. I'm 61 years old, and I just want to be at peace. It's not going to happen for a long time.

So at that point we know that “peace” means she's thinking of suicide or death.

I don't want to continue with it all. So when my sister's friend died, I thought, she's lucky. What do you think? Would therapy or medication help?

Bess—Bess, I am really glad that you didn't say, “Would suicide help?” Because you're having fleeting suicide thoughts. It's common. It's not great, but it's common for people when they're feeling overloaded, overwhelmed with negative things happening in their life, to think, “I just want a break from this.”

And sometimes they think of going to Hawaii or some foreign land—Paris. And sometimes it crosses their mind: “It would be easier if I were dead.” However, that is thinking that is going to paralyze you from finding any good resources. It stops thinking when you think, “Wouldn't it be easier if I were dead?” You look at that as a viable option.

It is not an option. It is not an option. It's like, if I'm really stressed—well, do I want a back rub, or do I want to go on a mini get-away with my husband? Do I want to take the dog for a walk and kind of unwind, or do I want to kill myself?

They're not in the same category.

And my authors—authors that have written a book that I think is phenomenal for dealing with those negative feelings or feeling like you want to die—is a book title I'll give you the authors in a moment: Choosing to Live. Choosing to Live. And that is by Drs. Tom Ellis and Cory Newman. And what they say is that there's a catch with the phrase that, "Maybe I'd be better off dead," in that death is the ultimate failure and the ultimate way to be out of control. So death isn't an option. It's the ending of all options.

So if you were getting advice from cognitive therapists such as the above, they talk about—you do not want to keep that thought of suicide as an option alive in your mind, because it does block you from having some very good, productive thinking of how to find joy in your life, given the traumas.

Your sister's friend and deceased daughter are not lucky, if you look at it that way. I mean, people are lucky when, "Oh, you know, I just won a vacation," or, "My boss gave me a raise"—and hopefully they earned it rather than luck—but they're not lucky. They're deceased. Their life has ended.

So I would like you to reframe it, if you can, as—

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Bess, I’ll be back.

Many romantic partners have complaints like, "I live in the shadow of my husband's life," or, "I feel invisible to my girlfriend." These are common complaints, but you never want to betray yourself in a romantic partnership.

When both partners value themselves and are lovingly honest with one another, romance flourishes.

Discover the secrets to lasting love in this liberating book, The Selfish Path to Romance by Drs. Edwin Locke and Ellen Kenner. That’s The Selfish Path to Romance, on Amazon or SelfishRomance.com.

So I would like you to reframe it, if you can, as just feeling on emotional overload and needing a break—needing some joys in your life. And you don't want to be passive about that. You want to actively seek those joys.

Whether it's enjoying your grandson and the hopes of watching him grow up, maybe it's a better relationship with your daughter who’s now not dealing drugs. Maybe it's hobbies or pleasures at the local college—you know, maybe some groups at the college that you work at, or spending some time with your colleagues that you would enjoy. Some time with your husband, maybe a new hobby that you guys pick up. Maybe some good time with your sister, or enjoying doing something new in your home.

You can't get rid of the negatives, but you can enjoy a sunny day, or gardening, or hearing the birds sing. I mean even little things like that you can enjoy. Or wearing clothes that you enjoy.

Questions to ask yourself: What would I tell a close friend in the same circumstances? And why do I sometimes not mind living? Like, what are my reasons for enjoying my life?

So I definitely recommend therapy and possibly medication. But I would recommend a cognitive therapist. And you can see that at my website, DrKenner.com.

I hope that helps, Beth—it’s Bess. So thank you so much for your question, and I’m Dr. Ellen Kenner on The Rational Basis of Happiness.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com. And please listen to this ad.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke.

What do you do when differences cannot be resolved, when your partner is consistently irrational and it is not a momentary anomaly?

Seriously consider divorce on moral grounds. You have a moral obligation to yourself and to your children to leave. Take some time to plan a safe exit strategy. Seek professional guidance from a psychologist if necessary.

If your abusive partner threatens to leave, don’t stop him. He will feel in control and it will make your separation safer. You never have to be stuck with an irrational partner.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com