The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

This is a question from Angela. Hi, Dr. Kenner. I'm 17 and feeling lost, depressed, and hopeless. I don't feel like myself. I try to push away all my problems and forget them, but then I think about death. I can't control what I'm thinking. Occasionally, for a week or so, I'll feel motivated, happy, like my normal self, but then I always go back to feeling awful. Is this just because I'm a teenager? I don't feel like being with friends, and you don't want to hear my life story, Angela.

Angela sounds like when you said you feel like being a teenager. Is it just because you're a teenager? It's almost like you have teenageritis. You know, Angela, the fact that you wrote and reached out for help is phenomenal. Your moods are a red flag. Your negative moods are a red flag. Nobody worries about their positive moods. We just bathe in them, and we glow in them. We love them. But the negative moods are a red flag that says, "Tend to me. Tend to me. I'm feeling depressed." You know, pay attention, and you don't want to just pay attention and say, "I'm feeling depressed. Therefore, I'm depressed for life." You want to pay attention and have some skills under your belt to be able to figure out what specific problems are leading to my depression, what thoughts are causing me to feel depressed, and you want to learn the skills to deal with them.

So cognitive therapy should absolutely be at the top of your wish list, something to do list for today. Even if you try to push your thoughts out of awareness, saying, "I'm depressed" or "I'm guilty," and you decide on a coping strategy of just grin and bear it and pretend that you're happy, and you put on that phony smile, it's not going to work. It's going to intensify your feelings because you're trying to fake to yourself that you're not feeling upset. And as you see, it's only short-lived. You get those little bursts of energy, and then you sink down again.

So the solutions are:

Number one, look at your negative moods. You know, anxiety, feeling anxious, feeling depressed, feeling angry or sad, or frustrated or guilty. Look at those and get some professional help. The first thing I would do in your case, because you've had a passing thought about death or maybe more, you definitely want to focus on safety. If you're suicidal, ASAP, get therapy. Get cognitive therapy if you can. People do need to hear your life story. And when I say people, your therapist needs to hear your life story. You need them to hear it. You need to make sense of why you're feeling the way you are and to find a path out. Suicide is not a path out; it ends all paths. You want a path towards your own lightening the load for yourself, towards your own happiness.

There is a wonderful book, "Choosing to Live," if you're feeling that down in the dumps, by Dr. Tom Ellis and Dr. Corey Newman. That's at my website, DrKenner.com. Another fabulous book, Angela, is "Mind Over Mood." Now I've been assuming that you have psychological causes to the problem. You want to definitely go to your medical doctor and rule out medical causes. Maybe it's hypothyroidism. You know, you just need to get some medication to balance it. Maybe you're a teenager; maybe you're going through some changes that are really discombobulating.

Now, I want to shift and focus on the positive. You want to focus on your strengths, even if you're faking it in that week or two where you feel motivated, happy, and like your normal self. Angela, what is working? Then you have different self-talk. What are your strengths? Think back in time. What are your strengths? What have people told you about yourself that you're good at? What friends have you had? What friends do you enjoy? You could get another book, "The Loneliness Book," by Mary Ellen Copeland. Again, you can go to my website, DrKenner.com, for the books I recommend and learn how to make friends.

The last point I want to make is you are going through your teenage years, and that is a discombobulating period of time for all of us. There are lots of things to sort out, especially your identity. You want to figure out what you enjoy, what friends you want to make, and what career goals you have. You know, at the very beginning, "What do I want to do with the rest of my life?" And you don't want to just push these thoughts out of awareness. You want to learn some excellent skills. And so I recommend that. And if there are people and if you've been through trauma, you definitely get the therapy for yourself ASAP.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

Let's say that you're at a family gathering, and your dad says something totally off the wall that drives you nuts, and you want to speak up. Then you have that moment of choice. What do you do? Do you speak up or not speak up? You feel trapped; you feel fearful, and you can hear yourself muttering, "Oh, what's the use?" And so you shut your mouth; you don't say anything, but that fire in your mind that got you upset has turned into thick smoke. You feel beaten; you feel depressed, and you want to stop. You do want to reflect and ask yourself the question, not "Oh, what's the use?" but "What is the use of speaking up for myself?" Whether it's with your father, maybe a wife or a husband or partner, or with your kids or with politicians you disagree with, what difference would it make in your life if you give yourself an assertive voice?

I don't mean an off-the-wall, losing-it-out-of-control voice, but an assertive voice. What will it give you? If you speak up for rational principles, you are going to earn a tremendous psychological benefit. You're not going to feel powerless, and you won't feel worthless. You won't have degraded yourself into living in the shadows of everyone else's life. You build confidence if you speak up, and you will discover others who feel as you do. Do you have the courage to fight for your own integrity?

For more Dr. Kenner podcast, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this.

Ned, here's an excerpt from "The Selfish Path to Romance," the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke. Just how do you go about judging someone? What one says is important, but to fully assess a person's character, values, and personality, observe not only what they say but also how they act in different situations. If there is a contradiction between words and actions, treat the actions as representing the real person. Actions reveal your partner's actual operating values or philosophy. If a person claims to be honest but lies, that person is a liar. Partners cannot hide their real selves indefinitely, no matter how many times a person says he or she loves you. Watch what that person actually does to show it.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy "The Selfish Path to Romance" at Amazon.com.