The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Jennifer, you have some anxiety problems.

Yes, actually, I've had them for pretty well all of my life. At a very young age, I noticed some very severe obsessive-compulsive disorder. Although they did a bunch of IQ testing on me and found it very high at a young age, I was able to control these obsessive-compulsive disorders, as I have now, kind of dealt with it all my life. I mean, I sweat through shirts during the day, getting ready, just going out to even the most normal activities. I have a two-year-old son, and I'm just—I feel like my age is 28, and I feel that my doctors are inappropriately approaching it, trying to give me antidepressants when this is something I feel long-term. I know you can't only be your own doctor, but I do have a very, very severe—I mean, I suffer from all the most severe symptoms of anxiety, and these were things that I suffered from before I even knew they existed. You know, as I grew in age, I also, I obviously researched it to find out more about this because I realized that my life doesn't have to be like this, right, right?

If they would properly medicate me. I happen to be on a medical card, and I believe, because of my age, they discriminate against me. They've told me that I'm too young to be on anti-anxiety medication, that they...

But you're 28 years old.

Yeah, I know, and I have an old child, okay, yes.

Let me just ask. Are you asking, what can you do? What—you had this... have you tried cognitive therapy?

Cognitive therapy? Not particularly, not since I was much younger. Because of anxiety, the social anxiety at that point, whenever my parents did put me through counseling, obviously, it kind of worked in an opposite direction for me, because it made—it put me even more in a situation. I believe I kind of almost rebelled a little bit, as all teenagers do. Compounded with social anxiety, I could never really feel comfortable.

Let me tell you what's going through my mind now, which is that it is tragic for you to go through life with high anxiety, whether it's coming out as obsessions and compulsions, or, you know, thoughts you just can't get out of your head, or actions that you have to take to undo things.

Every day, every day I find right, and to stress about. I will find something and be...

And what type of things do you do? Just give me a quick sampler.

You mean, on a daily—on the OCD?

How do you worry? Are you washing your hands? Are you checking the stove? Are you...

Everything in my house, everything for my son. You have a clean house, but you're extremely clean. Everything has to be in certain areas, every picture.

But you know, rationally, it doesn't make a difference, right?

Right, right. So I let...

There’s nothing wrong with taking a little medication to help yourself. However...

Hey, I've got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is—the Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

So, there’s nothing wrong with taking a little medication to help yourself. However, the very good news is that the skills are out there for you to reduce your anxiety significantly.

Is it something, though, that is genetic? Because I know my mother suffers from it terribly. You know, as age has progressed...

I don’t buy into that. I don’t buy into that at all. I mean, people can say it's partially genetic, but whether it is or isn't doesn't matter, because everybody—you can change it. You just need to learn new skills. I don't think it is. I think—people have different dispositions. When I worked with infants at a maternity hospital, I could see that some infants slept the whole day, and others were a little bit wiry, and others were screamers. But...

Innate quality, right?

Yes. But yours is self-made because you have free will. You have the option of learning skills. I have changed myself dramatically. I was a very shy, anxious kid. Now I'm on radio, and I'm not afraid of people. I love it, but it’s skills-based. And so, I would recommend there are multiple things you can do if you rob yourself of looking up cognitive therapy. And even if you don't—even if you think you'll have a little bit of the rebel in you still, because I know we all carry those through. I didn’t want to go to counseling. They dragged me. And, you know, I never wanted to go for shots. I used to even kick the doctor into the waiting room as a kid and locked myself in the bathroom.

The fact that you can laugh about it is delightful. That's the feeling you want to have, Jennifer, in approaching this. If you approach it as heavy, it will seem like it's daunting, like you'll never be able to get over your anxiety. But there are so many delightful skills that lessen the anxiety and that cause you to do the skill you just had. You laughed. When you can laugh at how ridiculous things are, it lightens it a lot.

So I would recommend you could get either The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmund Bourne—it's on my website, DrKenner.com—or another book, When Panic Attacks by David Burns. This one is not yet on my website. David Burns gives tons of skills. Nobody can use all these skills, so just pick the ones you know, experiment, play with them like you're a kid playing with new skills.

Now, being like someone who is always on edge. Anyhow...

Well, I was always shy, severe...

Attacks?

No, I mean, I’m always, always, always.

That’s why I’m saying it’s fine to take some—and I know we need to wrap up—it is fine to give yourself the advantage of reducing some of the stress while you're learning the skills by taking some medication. But really jump into the skills like it's your favorite hobby, and you can overcome it with a lot of effort. But man, that effort pays off. I became a much better parent when I jumped in with a lot of effort.

Listen, I want to thank you so much for the call, and I wish you a little less anxiety every single day.

Yeah, learning the skills. I'll use these resources that you've given to me. I appreciate your time tonight, Dr. Kenner.

Thank you.

You’re very welcome, Jennifer.

And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner: "Now, Baby, tell me what is so wonderful about smoking."

"Everything. I like the way a fresh, firm pack feels in my hand. I like peeling away that little piece of cellophane and seeing a twinkle in the light, coaxing that first sweet cylinder out of its hiding place and bringing it slowly up to my lips, striking a match, watching it burst into a perfect little flame, and knowing that soon that flame will be inside me. I love the first puff, pulling it into my lungs, little fingers of smoke filling me, caressing me, feeling that warmth penetrate deeper and deeper."

"I think I'm going to burst then, watching it flow out of me in a lovely, sinuous cloud. No two ever quite the same."

And that's from Frasier. I’m smiling on this end. Those are called permission-giving beliefs. She so loves smoking, and she tells herself everything good about it. What are the chances that she will ever see it as a negative in her life? Probably not at all. And my apologies to anyone out there who’s trying to quit smoking and just heard how delicious it is in this description that sounds almost sensual, very sexual.

If you are trying to quit a bad habit—a habit that you know is undermining you—for example, I have high cholesterol, so I have to cut back on fats. I don't want to be telling myself how delicious ice cream is, or how the cheese just melts in my mouth and the taste is so lovely. If I focus on that, how am I going to quit? I'm framing it as a value. So it’s a skill to be able to see the bigger picture when the immediate picture looks so inviting and so delicious. And how do you lead your life? How do you make the choices so you can have a lot of fun and not mess up your life in the process?

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke.

It’s important to share an interest in at least some activities with your partner. One partner might enjoy hiking, surfing, swimming, bicycling, and movies, and the other might enjoy gardening, reading, cooking, tennis, and opera. Partners rarely share all interests, but it’s important that they share some, or they’ll spend less time together and may drift apart emotionally.

Do you and your partner like to talk about the same things? Although most communication between partners is about personal matters, as it should be, most people like to talk about other matters too. If their intellectual interests are very different, or if one partner is interested in intellectual issues and the other is not at all, this can create distance between them.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.