The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr. Kenner.com.

Ashley, you're depressed, and you've been injuring yourself, and you've been in counseling, but it's not working.

Yes, that's correct. Actually, I've been in counseling for a couple of years. So my question to you, actually, is, what do you do when you go to counseling and it just doesn't seem to help, but you know you need to remain in counseling because of all the issues that you have that a person like myself cannot deal with on your own.

Yeah. Well, what I'd like that you're doing right now, Ashley, I don't know if you can speak up a tad—that'd be helpful. What I like that you're doing now is you're getting the big picture. It's like you're standing apart from the counseling and evaluating: Is this getting me to where I want to go? If I want to stop injuring myself, if I want to feel less depressed, and if I want to be pursuing more of my life, creating a life for myself, is counseling working toward that end? Is it for you?

No, not really.

Okay. Is it partly working towards that end?

No, not really.

Okay. So you do have options. Are you going to a cognitive therapist, by any chance? Do you know?

Yes, but to be honest with you, he's pretty new. I’ve only seen him about three times. I seem to jump from counselor to counselor.

Oh, yeah. The reason for that is therapy. But the reason for that is because I believe that if one counselor isn’t helping you, you shouldn't remain there and waste his or her time as well as your time. I believe you need to be with someone that you can connect to.

Yeah, that is absolutely the case, and it's important to find someone where you have what they call chemistry. And I don't mean that in any odd mystical sense. I mean that you like the person, and you feel you can trust them, and you feel like they have knowledge they can give you, or at a minimum, be a very good listener to help you do your own thinking, but better thinking. You know, they should be teaching you thinking skills. So when you say you've been in counseling for several years, and you jump from counselor to counselor, have there been any counselors that were decent?

Yes, but for one reason or another, that particular counselor seems to leave the state.

Oh, okay, yeah. Okay, so it isn’t that you're jumping; it's that you've had bad luck. Like my daughter had great teachers, and my son followed in her footsteps two years later, but the teachers had left by then, so he didn’t get the ones she had. It's that type of thing where they're just leaving, right?

Well, sort of. I mean, I've probably seen in my lifetime about, oh, gosh, 30 counselors, but only connected with two.

Okay, and when you say that, did they give you a diagnosis?

Yes, mostly something like BPD.

Okay, that’s borderline personality disorder, which I suspected when you said you were cutting yourself. The reason I'm asking that is because what you want to strengthen is your view of yourself. You know, people are all self-made. You want a counselor who will help you build your own identity. What do you love to do that doesn’t involve hurting yourself? What passions, what is possible for you to pursue in your life that brings you some relief from the depression, some happiness, and is non-harmful? What do you enjoy?

You're not going to like the answer to this.

Well, my guess is you don't like the answer to it. Go ahead.

Well, to be totally frank with you, nothing. There is nothing that I enjoy anymore. I used to enjoy things, but my perspective on life is so bleak, so dismal, that I really can't see the forest from the trees, so to speak.

Okay, so that would be one of the things to prime the pump with. What dreams did I once have? What joys did I have? And when I say "joys," start at any level. If there are flowers that you like, go buy a little flower for yourself. If there’s music you enjoy, listen to that. Allow yourself to value, because without values, life is barren, and you don’t want to unnecessarily make your life more barren than it needs to be. You know, if we have to go into a hospital room, it can be very barren. But if we bring in flowers, if we put on music, if we add some light, if we put up a picture on the wall that we love that's inspiring—not depressing—then that room becomes a tad less depressing. And that's what is going to be the lifeblood for you, Ashley: to allow yourself to reconnect where you've closed off and said, "I give up. Who cares? What's the use? Why bother?" There are cognitive therapy techniques that let you take those same types of questions and say, "Well, why bother? What could I enjoy?" instead of throwing your hands up in the air and just assuming there's nothing you can do about it, that you're powerless. What's one thing you could do? Well, you called me, so you took action. So you know it's within you to take action. Give yourself more little gifts like that, and take action.

Now, on a separate note, you mentioned that you've been through a lot of therapists. One of the issues with borderline personality disorder, which I'm sure you know, is abandonment. So I'm wondering if you’re abandoning them before you get hurt, or before you feel you'll get hurt.

Hey, I gotta interrupt this, because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh, The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

So I’m wondering if you’re abandoning them before you get hurt, or before you feel you’ll get hurt.

I’ve heard that before.

Okay, so it may be worth hanging in there and just getting what good information you can from them, especially if you've got a therapist who can teach thinking skills. Now, if you absolutely don’t like the person, you know there are therapists I would never go to personally, and there are others I’d stand in line to see. So if you like the person a little bit, see if you can hang in there a little longer to get some more information. Learn the skills. They’ll teach you emotional regulation. They’ll teach you how to understand your emotions, right?

I'm hearing you. I'm just wondering, you know, what do you do when you wrestle every day not to do something really harmful?

Suicidal or self-mutilating?

Not even that, just like you said, you know, suicidal.

You need to get a book called Choosing to Live.

Okay.

Choosing to L-I-V-E, Live. Choosing to love comes after choosing to live. But choosing to live is essentially choosing to love yourself, or at least to like yourself in the beginning. That book is written by Corey Newman and Tom Ellis, and you can find it on my website, DrKenner.com. It is one of the better books I've read on that topic. It’s a workbook. You can read through it. It can give you tools and fuel to enjoy your life.

Okay, I’ll look into it. Thank you.

And thank you so much for your call. I wish you some wonderful, happy values, even if they’re on a small scale to start with, Ashley.

Thank you.

You’re welcome.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner:

Is it possible for a person with genuine self-esteem to suffer a temporary blow? Yes, this typically happens when we fail to gain or keep something we highly value. We fail a test, lose a job, are jilted, or abused. A genuinely confident man or woman may temporarily feel low and disoriented when rejected by a loved partner. Being rejected doesn’t necessarily mean you’re unlovable. Maybe you had the wrong partner. Keep this in full focus: you can grieve the loss while reminding yourself of your good traits. Many relationships that don’t work are simply a matter of a wrong match. You do not devalue yourself; rather, you feel, "This really hurts, but at the deepest level, I’m still a worthy person."

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at amazon.com.