The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

Manuel, you're having a problem with music in romance.

Yeah, yeah, I am, yeah.

What's going on?

Well, I'm in the process of a breakup. I broke up about three weeks ago. Okay, and, and it's going, it's going pretty, pretty good, but I still could use music sometimes to just kind of, you know, just music I love. It just brings me good memories. Or, you know, just I love music, so it just makes me feel good. Now, the only thing is that when I listen to those songs, it triggers old memories, and I don't want to add this memory to those songs. You know what I mean?

Well, the memories are already there if it's triggering them, or is that not the case?

Well, I don't want to listen to the song and have the memory of that breakup added to that song. You know what I mean?

Yeah, no, no, because you're on the line, right? Listen to a song I love and remember my heartbreak.

Okay, so did she break up with you, or did you break up with her?

It was mutual. It was mutual.

Okay, so the music, if you're both saying that you need to part ways, and you're listening to music that you both shared together, you both loved together, is that the situation?

More music that I love.

Oh, music that you love, but you listened to it when you were with her. Is that why it's connected to memories?

No, what I'm saying is I don't want to connect it to her.

Okay, so I'm hearing a different thing now, Manuel. If you're saying there's music I love that's disconnected from her now, this woman, and if I listen to that music while I'm going through my grieving process, just breaking mental ties to her, emotional ties, then that music will always be tied to this period of time. And when I hear this music in the future, it'll bring me right back to this period of time, and I'll connect it with the breakup.

Yeah.

So what have you thought about doing?

I don't mind attaching it to— I mean, there's already songs that will trigger this. I just don't want to add it, you know, I don't want to add it to those songs that I love. Also, new music in general, I kind of have completely closed myself off to music, which I hate because I'm a music lover.

Okay, so you're combining two different things, and I think there are different ways to, in cognitive therapy, we call it "reframe" the situation—put a different picture frame around it so that you could have your cake and eat it too, so to speak. You could have your music and go through the grief.

So the grief process is there if it's just raw, R-A-W, the breakup. You do need to give yourself time to grieve the loss of what you both once loved in each other and may always love in each other. And you need to be able to let your mind sort things through. That's why grieving when someone dies typically takes a year.

Hey, I’ve got to interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw—here it is—the Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, the Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

And you need to be able to let your mind sort things through. That's why grieving when someone dies typically takes a year at a minimum, because you have to go through the whole year of all the holidays, and your mind needs to be able to say, "Oh, I want to call my girlfriend because she loves this picture, this movie, she would love this book that I'm reading." And then go, "Oh, yeah, we're broken up." Your mind takes time to break those connections so that you get deep down that you're no longer a twosome.

And if you want to use music, you can either just listen to very different music. Let’s say, what's a type of music that you don't listen to but might be willing to listen to a little bit, but it's not so much your cup of tea?

You know, I don’t listen to country music.

Okay, well, man, that's the perfect music that's going to put you in a perfect perpetual depression, honey. You know, "My girlfriend left me at the bar, and I'm sitting here…" if there's decent music—right, right? So I would try to think of some other music that might be a little more uplifting. One of the things you can do is just change the genre that you listen to, but don't make it depressing. I'm not saying go for something that's going to bring you down. What's the type that you love? What's your favorite type of music?

I love R&B music, and it’s really abstract. I'm kind of all over the place, actually.

Okay, let me just stick with R&B for a minute. You could make music your comforter, your best friend, which is what you say it is, and let it bring you through this period and many other periods. Let it bring you through the happy times and the sad times. Instead of looking at it as just tied to this situation, look at it as something that carries you through. I happen to like Danny Wright, who's a pianist, and I love it as background music. Man, if I'm going in for a tooth surgery or something, I bring that music. Now, will it be tied to my tooth surgery? Only if I only bring it to tooth surgeries, but if I can tie it to many other events, like when I'm traveling, I can put it on so I don't have to hear the noise of the cars. It's very nice.

So if you make it more universal in your life and just look at it as a soothing source of joy for yourself at a time when you need joy, it doesn’t have to be connected with your girlfriend. Think about other things too while you listen, and just never give up music to an ex, you know?

I don’t want to do that. I mean, I love it, and I've been going through some of these things in silence, which… it just doesn’t work for me.

Okay, but I would not make it a big deal. It sounds like, if you frame it that way, that it has to be tied to the sadness, then it'll always be tied to the sadness. I have music that carries me through sad times and happy times. I mentioned Danny Wright—there are many other songs, too, that I love, like you, and that is the function of music. You can sample some new music too, but I would not tie it to love. Know that you're doing two things: you're grieving, and you also want a support system. Your music can be your support system, and you don’t have to give it up at the end.

Thank you so much for your call, and I wish you good listening.

And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner:

Dad and I had another fight.

I'm afraid if we stay under the same roof together, we'll do irreparable harm to the relationship we have as it is.

Remember why you moved him in in the first place. You wanted to get closer to Dad.

I still do. There isn't anything I'd like more, but he makes it impossible. I can't read my book, I can't have my coffee, I can't have any peace in my own home.

So what you're saying is you want to be closer to Dad, but you don't actually want him around.

And isn't that always the struggle we have with people who are close to us—our family members, sisters, brothers, mom, dad, maybe even your spouse or your kids? You want to be close to them. You want that feeling of being connected, but you also want your independence. And how do you navigate that? How do you avoid doing so much for Dad, in this case, that you feel stepped on, that you feel like you don’t have a life of your own? And how do you keep your own life while being independent?

Well, living apart gives them both privacy. Obviously, if a parent moves in with you, it’s a whole different ball game, and it’s very hard to navigate those situations without a lot of hurt.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke.

To become a better romantic partner, understand where emotions come from. Every emotion is caused by a specific type of subconscious evaluation or appraisal. Here are some examples:

Happiness is the emotion stemming from the appraisal that you've achieved or are making progress toward your most important goals and values, for example, romantic love.

Satisfaction is a narrower, less intense form of happiness, usually stemming from gaining or holding a particular value. Love results from a highly positive evaluation of another person based on their desirable qualities.

Hope stems from the appraisal that a desired value will be achieved.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.