The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com

Here is a question I received from Trish.

Hi, Trish.

Hi, Dr. Kenner. We currently live with my husband's brother and his wife, Anna. Anna's 25 years old, and she's studying psychology at the university. Anna acts very strange at home. She has two cats, but never pets them, and wipes off the furniture before sitting on it. She won't let them into certain rooms. She vacuums daily, but she never does. Anna has difficulty dealing with any changes in her daily schedule. She's a chronic complainer about the most insignificant things, and she's unable to make decisions. Try going out to eat with her and see how long it takes for her to decide what to order. It's embarrassing. Anna wants to go to grad school, but lets deadlines slip by. She wants to buy a house and has looked online hundreds of times and can't decide what neighborhood to live in. She gets very anxious about driving any place new. She can't deal with stressful situations at work. An older lady passed out in front of her; Anna froze and did nothing. She didn't even attempt to help her or call 911. She has a hard time forming opinions. She never talks politics or religion. She keeps conversation simple about her cats or what she wants to cook. It's funny—it's about her cats. I'm having a really hard time getting along with her because I always just feel like screaming at her for not being able to make decisions and for constantly complaining. Maybe if I understood her better, I might be more sympathetic. Does she have some kind of disorder, or is she just weird? Thanks, Trish.

Trish, I have three points to make. One is about Anna, one is about reaching out to her, and one is about choices for you and your hubby if the situation's not working out.

So first, about Anna. Anna is in desperate need of thinking skills and a rational philosophy. You can see the personal devastation caused when someone feels unable to cope with the world and judges themselves as unable to make decisions or form opinions. You can also see how it damages her relationships with you especially, and I suspect it damages her marriage. Anna's example shows us if your mind is your motor in life, your method of survival, then if you don't know how to use it to set personal goals, to make rational decisions, and to take productive actions, you will drive yourself batty. You need to answer the question, Is it okay for me to set personal goals, or should I live in the shadows of others, always trying to please them? That is the key question to answer accurately to set a proper standard for judging and making decisions in your life. What emotion do any of us feel if we don't trust our minds? Among others, a key one is paralyzing anxiety.

So obviously, I don't know Anna's specific thoughts, but here are some possibilities that could be causing her anxiety.

Hey, I gotta interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh, The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

So, obviously, I don't know Anna's specific thoughts, but here are some possibilities that could be causing her anxiety. If she thinks, "Oh, my God, what if I make a bad choice?" then it may be she's dealing with some perfectionism or a fear of failure that keeps her from moving forward. Or if she thinks, "I've got to make sure there are no cat hairs on me or something very bad will happen," she's trying to get control over something insignificant and predicting a negative, vague disaster. And what's Anna doing? She's ignoring the big decisions in her life, like her career or choosing a home.

Maybe she doesn't like living under the same roof with you and your hubby, and on some level, she's making it unpleasant to try to force a change. Now, I don't think it sounds like she's doing anything deliberately, but sometimes people subtly do things to be annoying to make such a change. It's also possible she's studying psychological disorders in school—as you say, she's studying psychology. If she's studying anxiety disorders, she might have what they call "medical school syndrome." She may have a little bit of anxiety, but if she reads about obsessive-compulsive disorder or generalized anxiety disorder, or a different anxiety disorder, it sounds like she's got an anxiety problem, then it may intensify it. She goes, "Oh my god, what if I have this disorder?" and it may make it worse. It may make it harder for her to see clearly.

So, it definitely sounds like she's got serious anxiety problems and some obsessive-compulsive tendencies, and it would be great if she saw a therapist.

How can you reach out to her? Well, one of the things you can do is talk with her husband. He may shed light on what's causing the problems, and it may make you a little more empathic towards her. Maybe she had a highly emotionally abusive mother or some trauma that she went through that makes you feel like you want to reach out to her—or maybe not. The second thing is, you can actively listen to her, draw her out, instead of being critical of her, even in your body language or the way you act towards her. You may just ask her, you know, "I'm curious. You seem concerned about cat hairs," and see if she talks about it. You may also say, "You know, I notice how much you struggle with ordering something at the cafe. Help me understand you better, Anna." Maybe she'll open up. Maybe she won't. If she gives you the opportunity, you could recommend cognitive therapy, because she doesn't have to live with this anxiety. She'll probably learn this in classes too, that cognitive therapy can give you the thinking skills needed to help you overcome these types of anxiety problems.

So what about you and your hubby? The third point—choices for the two of you. You feel like screaming at her. Any other options? Can you move out? Can they move out? I know they're looking for a home. You want to brainstorm with your hubby to see if there are any options. If not, can you limit contact so you can work different hours or be out of the house when she's around to make your life easier? Just as it's very frustrating and scary to drive in a car with someone who doesn't have driving skills, it's very frustrating and annoying to live with someone who doesn't have better thinking skills.

So let's hope that Anna gets the help she needs, or that you and your hubby find a better living arrangement.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this thought.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner. Another virtue that makes you lovable is independence. Is your commitment to think for yourself and to earn your own keep. The proper basis for coming to conclusions in any area of your life—be it romance, career, moral beliefs, even practical decisions—is by not going blindly by what your parents, friends, neighbors, colleagues, or religious and political leaders tell you, but by going by your own best rational judgment. You may get very useful facts from others, but you still need to judge others' claims for yourself. Independence is your refusal to accept any idea without evidence. Dependence is a mirror of what others want, and as a result, one loses control of one's life and destroys any sense of self. Independence is not only thinking for yourself but also living by your own effort, which means living within your means. You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at amazon.com.