The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Drkenner.com and on Amazon.com

Can I get two couches in my office? Because if I had friends come over, I want them to feel comfortable. One office, Frank was nice enough to give me some sort of creative executive position.

You gave him the job that I wanted. I've been getting your coffee and doing your work for five years now. When I started here, I was promised advancement opportunities, and breaking that promise to me is unacceptable.

I just jumped out of my chair. That is from Anger Management. And what if you are having stress management problems? And maybe it's not losing a job—maybe you can't make ends meet, maybe the economy has just wiped you out, you're afraid you're going to lose your home. You're on total overload, and you're trying to juggle work, raising kids, keeping a marriage together, keeping your home clean, trying to figure out what bills need to be paid first. You may find yourself self-medicating with alcohol or maybe by trying to run away from it all. What are some better ways to deal with stress?

With me to offer some tips on dealing with this type of stress and overload is Dr. Steve Orma, who's a clinical psychologist and a coach in the San Francisco Bay Area. He specializes in helping adults overcome anxiety and stress-related issues. Welcome, Dr. Orma.

Thank you for having me.

So, Dr. Orma, you offer something very interesting. First, what is stress? And what is it? You offer something called stress bites?

Yeah, well, first of all, stress is, I would call it, the emotional, mental, and physical strain that we feel as a result of the demands of life. And demands meaning anything from external things that are stressful, like our career, kids, relationships, etc., or it could be internal things that are stressing us, like our own thoughts and emotions. So what I offer is a service called stress bites, which is a unique email consultation service that allows anyone who is having problems with stress to email me a stress-related question. They get a personalized answer from me back through email within 24 hours that addresses their specific situation.

Wow, that's pretty good. So how would they get in touch with you?

Yeah, they would go to my website to do that, which is Drorma.com, D-R-O-R-M as in Mountain, A, and just click on the Stress Bites tab, and it'll guide you through the process of how to email me.

So, say I'm someone emailing you. I'm on overload. I'm working, I'm trying to take care of the kids, I have no time for myself, and I'm really irritated about that. My bills are piling up on the desk. My house looks like it could be featured on a reality TV show for messy homes. I'm starting to have panic attacks. I snap at my kids and husband, and I'm drinking more of that luscious wine every night. Please help me. Where do I begin, Dr. Orma?

Yeah, wow, that's a lot for anybody to have on their plate, and I can understand how you would be feeling very overwhelmed with all of that. So I would say the first thing to do is to get everything down on paper. Because when we have, you know, 50 different things going on in our life that are stressing us out, it's really hard to deal with them if we can't first identify what they are, if we're holding them in our heads. So what I have clients do is take a pen and paper and write down everything that's stressing them out—the bills, the panic attacks, the kids—and that way, we can take each thing one at a time, and then do some problem-solving.

Okay, so if I write every—it's almost like a brain dump, dumping everything out of my head, everything that's causing the stress or anxiety, out of my head and onto paper.

Exactly, because there's only so much you can hold in your mind consciously at one moment. Getting it all down on paper, you've got it all there. It's kind of just a real release, just getting it out on paper.

Well, I'm gonna have to drink a lot of wine while I'm doing that because it's gonna stress me out to do that, and then that will be one of my problems, too. So let's continue. I'm still this client, or someone emailing you, and what would I do after I write it down on paper? I'm following up with you, and I say, "I've written everything down on paper, and it filled an entire page. Now what?"

Hey, I gotta interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is. It's The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it on Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

What would I do after I write it down on paper? I'm following up with you, and I say, "I've written everything down on paper, and it filled an entire page. Now what?"

Yeah, the next thing we would do is identify what's causing the stress. Is it overload? Sometimes what causes stress is people just take on too many things—there's too many things that they're doing and not enough time in the day. And what they really need to do is cut back. They need to either cut things out that are not as important to them or cut down on the time they spend. For instance, many times people spend a lot of time on sending emails.

Right, I do! Oh, I'm always on Facebook, are you kidding? And my mother-in-law—she calls me all the time. I can't get her off the phone.

Exactly. So you have all these things coming in at you and all these demands being placed on you. And part of stress management is learning how to take control of your life and your situation and set boundaries on things. So, you know, writing back shorter emails, or only spending a certain amount of time with emails, or setting boundaries with the mother-in-law and calling her back when you have a chance. Prioritizing what you need to do is very important in terms of what are the most important things you need to do, and everything else has to be cut out or cut down because there's only so much you can do in a day.

The bills piling up is what's making me feel the most guilty. So, yeah, go ahead.

Oh yeah, so if we identify that the next thing is choosing what is the thing that's most stressing me out. What do I want to deal with first? So if it's the bills, you know, planning out some time in your schedule to sit down and pay the bills. And what I do is I have people actually create a schedule for themselves, you know, with a planner or using their iPhone or something like that, where they write out everything in their schedule with a reasonable amount of time planned out for each thing, and stick to that schedule. Because if they do, then they can manage their time a lot better, and maybe have a certain time on Sundays from two to four, where I sit down and pay my bills every week. And you really stick with that schedule. By doing that, you're gaining control of your time and organizing things instead of sort of handling things as they come at you.

Okay, now I'm gonna hit you with a "yes, but." Yes, but you never had kids, honey.

Yeah, I mean, there's no doubt that all these things are very challenging to have in your life, and kids are very unpredictable, and you can't always plan. So part of it is realizing there is going to be some stress and finding ways to cope with that. So, for instance, with kids, depending on how old your kids are, maybe your kids can pitch in. Sometimes people take on more than they should, and they do everything for their kids. Maybe your kids can learn how to do the dishes or cook dinner or clean up their own room and take some of the burden off you. Maybe your husband or spouse can chip in and help out with things if you feel like you need more support. And then the other thing is making sure you get some downtime. That's so vital with stress management, because otherwise you get overwhelmed and overloaded, and there's no time for you, and then it's hard to deal with things because you're not de-stressing.

Even if I have a 15-minute walk outside, that might refresh me. Listen to some of my music, it doesn’t have to be three hours’ worth, right?

Exactly, absolutely. Yeah, even a five-minute break—step away from your work or step away from the kids, take a deep breath, and that can make a huge difference.

So again, can you tell me how people can get in touch with you, because you offer something very interesting, something online, where people can email you and ask you questions?

Yeah, yeah. The best way that they could reach me, if they wanted to utilize the stress bites service, is to come to my website, which is Drorma.com—that's D-R-O-R-M as in Mountain, A.com—and they can find the Stress Bites tab and click on that. It's a very easy, simple service to use to ask any stress-related question.

Oh, that's a wonderful service. And thank you so much for joining us today, Dr. Orma.

Thank you very much.

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