The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

(this is raw unedited text, computer transcribed directly from the audio, without voice inflection, pauses etc. Sometimes this results in the text implying the opposite of the intended meaning.)

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The Selfish Path to Romance - download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com or at amazon.com.
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Yeah, the owner is Roger Enright, one of those Self Made Men, stubborn and riches blazers, it's always safe to denounce the rich. Everyone will help you. The rich first. Yeah.

And that's from The Fountainhead, the rich will denounce themselves first, why would the rich denounce themselves? If they worked so hard? Why would they put themselves down when they finally reached financial success? Why are people so confused about the relationship between money and happiness?

And with me to discuss this topic today is Dr. Tara Smith. She's a professor of philosophy at the University of Texas at Austin. And Dr. Smith is the author of several books on ethics, and a pamphlet money can buy happiness. And that's a wonderful pamphlet a real eye opener, it doesn't ensure happiness. But it's a wonderful eye opener. And that's available@amazon.com, or at my website, Dr. kenner.com.

And welcome Tara.

Great to be here. Being about the subject,

okay. And it's a very confusing one. So one, because most people think about the new house they'd like to buy, or someday dream about a vacation they'd like to take, or even on a smaller scale. They want to build a garden and make, you know, make a beautiful garden for themselves. And they have a long wish list of things they could do if they have more money. But then they're plagued by clouds of guilt, as I've gotten to know you've said, Why, why are they plagued by guilt?

Well, because they excel. I mean, they accept contradictory ideas. It seems perfectly natural, and sensible and reasonable as you indicate, to want to make your life better, be it in small ways or big ways, right? As you say, everybody's got a wish list or, you know, boy, if I had more money, I would spend it on sprucing up the garden or taking that vacation, or all sorts of things that we want for the people we love as well as ourselves. Right? Right, right. At the same time, most people in our society today, except a moral philosophy that says, oh, no, that would be selfish, and who need to put other people first.

And we hear that all the time, we hear that we're a consumer society. And that's not said, with a sense of pride, it's said with a sense of contempt with too materialistic, and that we should be after more worthy pursuits. And what is what is that typical view? Well,

first, let me just underscore what you're saying is absolutely pervasive. This idea, you don't see arguments for the idea that you should sacrifice yourself because it's taken as self evident, right is treated as a given every springtime commencement addresses at universities around the country. What do they typically what do the speakers typically call upon the graduates to do to sacrifice now it's your chance to give something back now, it's your chance to serve something larger than yourself, and so on. So there's this real palpable, just taken for granted moral belief. We see it in Christianity, we see it in altruism, all sorts of all religious stripes and non religious stripes, that others are more important than yourself. And that that's a recipe for unhappiness, to the extent that a person believes that he's undercutting not only what he might do with his money, or what he does with his days, what he does with his time, and you know, who he will be completely, as you say, wracked by not just clouds of guilt, but, you know, a whole storm,

right? When you say the word altruism, you know, most people think of that as being benevolent and kind and, you know, your neighbor gets sick, and you bring some chicken soup over. And yes, you're doing for your neighbor, but it gives you a sense of reward too. And you hold doors open for little old ladies and you help out. You help out a kid who can't go to college or give them a little bit of extra money or, and they look at that as selfless that that's what the giving person should do. And that's that's what we want to bring our kids up to be altruistic, selfless. And you're not using it in that context, are you?

No, I'm not using it that way. I'm glad you raised that because I think there's you know, there is widespread confusion about that. That is people kind of mashed together a few really different ideas, different practices. When I criticize altruism. I'm criticizing the idea that . . .

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Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick ad and then Ellen will be back :

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When I criticize altruism, I'm criticizing the idea that you have a duty to put other people first, you must morally sacrifice yourself, and things that mean a great deal to you, for the sake of other people, even when those particular other people really don't mean all that much to you. Now that so self sacrifice is what I'm talking about when I talk about altruism. But we shouldn't confuse and I think you're quite right that people frequently, even innocently, sometimes confuse self sacrifice with benevolence, wishing other people well, and kindness, and sometimes giving to them and helping them that is, I don't mean simply benevolence as Oh, yeah, in my head, I'd like it for everybody to be happy. There's nothing wrong, I think with helping people sometimes doing something putting your money where your mouth is, or your goodwill is, if and when the person you're helping is somebody who you value. And you value helping that person in that situation more than you value the particular effort or money or whatever it might be, that you're giving them. So it was really that as a sacrifice or not. But I'm all for benevolence, I'm all for kindness and sensitivity to other people's circumstances, what I am adamantly opposed to, and what's antithetical to the pursuit of happiness in the achievement of your happiness is you're putting other people's happiness first.

Okay, so if you work really, really hard, and a neighbor has a kid who just could use a little extra help, and you adore this child to pieces, you, you adore the neighbors, and you want to help them out, and you take some of your money and give it to them to help the kid, maybe get an operation and maybe go to a school of their choice. That is not what you're considering a sacrifice, you're considering it a sacrifice if the neighbor stole from you, or did something terrible to you. And then you feel that, like you have to have be humble and have pity on the

demanded that he has a right to it because he's needy, right, and you happen to have money, right. And that gets into. And moreover, I mean, the situation you describe does sound like, it would not be a sacrifice. If I really liked this kid alive, he's a great kid, I think he's a promising person, you know, enjoy His company, I hope he can do well, I realize that I'm in a position to help them out a little bit here. And if I can do that without sacrificing anything that I value more like, maybe my own children or myself. So here's something I've been saving up for, that's incompatible with that. But when I think this is more the situation you had in mind, when it would not be a loss, but actually a gain for me for things I care about, including this person, right, the neighbor, whatever the material way, that's wonderful.

So So altruism is self sacrifice, it will not bring you happiness. And if you earn your own money, you have a right to keep it and to spend it on your top values, which may include other people or may not include other people.

And it's been my pleasure today to talk about your right to be happy, your right to earn money, honestly, and then to spend it on your top values. And I want to mention that if you want any information on Dr. Tara Smith, you can get it. She's written several books and a wonderful pamphlet money can buy happiness, you can go to amazon.com. And of course you can go to my website, Dr. kenner.com. Thank you so much for joining us today, Dr. Tara Smith.

Thank you very much for having me.

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For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Dr. Kenner.com. And please listen to this ad . . .

Here's an excerpt from the selfish path to romance the serious romance guide book by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co author Dr. Edwin Locke, who is world famous for his theories on goal setting:


Don't let relatives or children undermine your romantic relationship. Your loved one is your highest social value. That means your partner comes before anyone else including your parents. Often relationships are undermined by the desire not to hurt the feelings of relatives who have unreasonable expectations or make unreasonable demands. Putting Your parents or relatives first devalues your partner, and also damages your self esteem and independence. Growing up means gaining independence from your parents and setting the terms for your own life.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com