The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

(this is raw unedited text, computer transcribed directly from the audio, without voice inflection, pauses etc. Sometimes this results in the text implying the opposite of the intended meaning.)

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The Selfish Path to Romance - download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com or at amazon.com.
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And I want to welcome Wanda to the show. You have a problem with a co worker?

Well, several, actually, okay, several co workers.

I mean, I was never one to, you know, I would treat everybody nice, I would try to put it and I've worked web workplace for 250 years. And I would treat everybody nice. I've used to go to the parks, I used to participate in everything. But when it just seems like birthdays came around, they celebrated the same people. Nobody else gets celebrated. I stopped doing it. That's just, you know, right. Right. And, and I was always the type of person anyway to do my work and just go all right, you know, I was that type of person. Anyway, I'm not an extrovert, I guess you would say. Anyway, so I would just was being nice, you know, and trying to get along. But when I saw they already had made a difference. In Me, I left them alone, you know, completely, you know, I mean, when they speak and everything, but I don't get involved in nobody's business, personal nothing. I do my work, get out of it. And I do my work. Right. And but over the years, you know, like I said, I live a quiet lifestyle. I say to my right, so what's happening, you're saying about move to during this time when I started working there? Oh, say you moved during this time. While I was working,

Let me sum up what I hear so far, Wanda, which is that you've been at the same place for a long time, and you lose to feel like you fit in more you would go to the party, she would celebrate birthdays, but then you saw that there were only a select core group of people who were folk who basically were the favorite child. Right, right. It's like being in a family. Right? Right. They celebrate themselves. And the other people are kind of in the background, and you're wonderful people that was in the background. And so the question is, what what do you do? How do you reconnect with them? Or how do you manage the situation? What would you like some help?

I don't want to reconnect with them. I have I had made my decision. You know, what people you work with are not your friends. I had made that decision a long time ago. And I'm not about to change it at my age. I'm not concerned about that. My thing is to just work and that's okay.

So where's the conflict right now that you'd like some help with? Are they talking behind your back?

Yeah. They're verbally, I can't even be sure. Because I don't even know if you understand what I'm saying.

So let me give you Yeah, let me give you some getting into getting in my face, because they know I will get you out. Okay, I'm not concerned with the physical, but I'm still careful. Because I still know there are some people who thinks they will try anything, you know, but I'm hearing that. Yeah, I'm hearing them do that. Anyway. They don't want to lose their job. They don't want to go to jail. I mean, they won't do that type of thing.

So you're not worried about any fistfights or I'll meet you on the hill while taping them. Not necessarily. You think there's one person who would start a fistfight with you? Or a fight physical?

No, no, they would have done that a long time.

Okay. So basically, let how many people are you working with?

Just ballpark? Oh, wow. Isn't that probably maybe 66? Zero? They're 6056. Yeah. Okay. So the building went to where I'm gonna build it now, with another office, including our office. Yeah, office is pretty big. It's like 50 people.

Okay. Let me tell you what I would do in that situation. And maybe it will give you some ideas. Maybe not . . .

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Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick ad and then Ellen will be back :

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is - the selfish path to romance. A serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfish romance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Hmm, the selfish path to romance. That is interesting.
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Let me tell you what I would do in that situation. And maybe it will give you some ideas. Maybe not. Whenever I'm with a larger group in the past, I used to be a very shy kid and I would isolate myself. You sound much You don't sound shy and you don't you sound like you're very forthright. You're that you're a shoot from the hip type person. And, and so you don't have the problem I had as a kid, but I needed a way to figure out how to connect with people and when I was in a group group, I would think of them as a group, meaning I thought they all thought alike, I thought they all held the same opinion of me, which was not so great because I was a shy kid. And I just felt inferior inadequate. And so I needed some skills to be able to change that. And what I learned over the years is that, really, in a group of whether it's five, or let's just take even five people, not everybody thinks alike. And I know that through therapy from people talking, that not everybody in a group thinks identically about another person. And even if they think identically, which is almost never, it never so. So meaning people, there may be people who like you very much, who would like to warm up to you in that group of 60 people, even if there are five or three in your immediate office, there might be one of those who's a little more open to at least being cordial, you know, the superficial things, you talk about the weather boy, it was freezing out today, or, Oh, it's so hard to get my kids on the bus to that, you know, just small stuff, not personal stuff about your sex life or that thing. But there's a level upon which you can connect with one or two that makes your day more comfortable. So you could first don't think of it as a glob, as a group, think of each person as a unique individual, which they truly are. Second, that's the first thing the second thing Wanda is treat yourself. Well, if you're assuming, like I Well, when I when I did, as a kid that everybody thought of me the way, one bully on the block thought of me, that's not fair to me, because that wasn't the case. So you want to know that your self evaluation, assuming that it's fairly good, Trumps anybody else's negative view of you. And even if you have an off day, everybody has an off day, you know, yourself. If there were things you want to improve on yourself, you can. But if there were things she was, if you know your strengths, if there were things you value in yourself, hold those in mind and the skills that you have the knowledge that you have to be a good friend, you can use those just to be a cordially neutral person at work. Is there one person you think you could reach out to at work that would make it just a little warmer?

Yeah, there's one person that I speak with, but it's basically about religion. Is that a problem? Okay.

Well, then you can connect find a way you know, I was I started a class at the gym, pilates, and I, I probably won't continue, or just rarely, but I started it. And when I sat down, I many times keep to myself, but this time, I turned around and I started talking with the woman next to me, Simone, she's French. And we were speaking in French a little bit, I spoke to the woman on my other side. And we chatted just a little bit to how do you think that class felt? Much better, much better. And it probably took about three minutes of conversation, nothing conversation between us. So if you think of it that way, and Don't lump them as a group, you can enjoy it more and you can throw your own birthday party I remember one secretary at work was leaving and she threw herself at going away birthday or not a birthday party. And I just carried that with me to make it seem like that was the focus of all right what to do to understand my history.

Okay, and I know we're right at the end of time. So my main main skill my main my main advice is value yourself and connect with one or two good people at work to make it enjoyable for yourself Wanda,

and here's a little more from Dr. Kenner. Oh,

this is very love I know you don't want me here and I don't want to be here but I can't stay away so I got a little drunk and came over excuse it please. You're very welcome. Like a skunk I know. Rila knows everyone knows even make. Christine Have you got anything in the house to drink? And a little thing tall. I'm not the feisty guy. I prefer a bourbon on water but I love thing will do.

And you can actually you can tell what state she is in not a good one. That's from the movie The Bad seed. And are you trying to run away from problems by drinking? Are you self medicating? Are you feeling like you to face your problems would just completely destroy you? Well, when you drink, you know what's happening, you're blinding yourself. It's like trying to go through a very bad snowstorm. And using as an aid blinders you put blinders over your eyes and you say that will help me because of I don't see it, then I won't know how bad the snowstorm is and you're trying to drive. That's not going to help. And that's the same thing that alcohol does to you when you put blinders over your mind. And you drown it in alcohol or other substances, whether they're prescription drugs and I don't mean medically needed, helpful to prescription drugs, I mean, abuse, then you're your own worst enemy and they say pills don't teach skills, neither does alcohol. And how do you use your mind in a better way to get through that psychological snowstorm in your life you want to keep your eyes open and learn the skills to make your life better.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Dr. Kenner.com. And please listen to this ad . . .

Here's an excerpt from the selfish path to romance the serious romance guide book by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co author Dr. Edwin Locke, who is world famous for his theories on goal setting:

surprises do not have to involve white lies. For example, you can invite your best friends to meet you for dinner on a special occasion without telling your partner or you can surprise your partner with a small thoughtful gift. Or you can have a hot bath ready when your partner comes home from a hard day. But here's a critical caveat. Be sure you know your partner's attitude towards surprises before you consider one and more specifically, what kinds of surprises your partner likes and does not like a surprise dinner with friends might not be appreciated, whereas a surprise gift might delight your partner.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com