The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

(this is raw unedited text, computer transcribed directly from the audio, without voice inflection, pauses etc. Sometimes this results in the text implying the opposite of the intended meaning.)

(Micro ad) . . .
The Selfish Path to Romance - download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com or at amazon.com.
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Here is a question that I received from India. See what you think about this? What if this were your son?

Dear Dr. Kenner, I am from India. My elder son Kumar is 22 years old and completed his graduation. We are a well to do family and we provide my son with whatever he wants. I fear it has backfired over the past nine years. He has a severe overspending problem. He cheats people and takes their money and spends lavishly on electronic gadgets, cars and Anjali trips. When those he's deceived, put pressure on him, he absconds And goes into hibernation for months, waiting until his family has settled the matter. He went to school to achieve his MBA in England, he repeated their same behavior there, he is intelligent except for his behavior. He hates it when I tried to discuss it with him, psychologists and psychiatrists have been of no use when he's visited them, kindly guide me as to what I have to do with him. Thank you Anon.

And Anon, my heart goes out to you. Because it sounds like you're a well meaning parent, who was learning the very hard way that giving your child everything, whatever he wants, and watching them spin out of control is not healthy, it robs them of the one thing that nobody can give them. That is self esteem. Now, is it your fault? No, it isn't your fault. And that's what you need to know. Yes, it? Well, I'll take that back in a moment. It's partly your a contributing factor. Because if you keep digging him out of holes, when he acts in criminal ways, then and you keep supplying the money, you are enabling his bad behavior, you're what's making it happen. So a good parent in your situation, does not necessarily send them to psychologists and psychiatrists, because a person with criminal a criminal behavior mindset, which unfortunately, that's what your son has. A person with that type of mindset can pull the wool over any psychologists and psychiatrists, mine. I've watched people do it with me. I think that I'm a very, I can read people very well. I've been doing this for a long time. And I love what I do. And when I've been fooled, I take note of that and say, people can be very good actors. They're very skilled at what they did. And if you say your son is intelligent, he can use his intelligence to deceive to fake, like he is a sincere person. And then he puts on a big show, you know, he's got all of the trappings of success, but he doesn't have self esteem. And he knows that he lives with that everyday. So what can you do? . . .

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Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick ad and then Ellen will be back :

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is - the selfish path to romance. A serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfish romance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Hmm, the selfish path to romance. That is interesting.
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But he doesn't have self esteem. And he knows that he lives with that every day. So what can you do?

You can recognize that what he lacks is obviously not money, but good choice making which will build his self esteem. You can't give it out to him. He is an adult recklessly spending, he's stealing. He's lying. He's running away. What he needs is for you to withdraw your support. He needs to experience the natural consequences of his behavior. And you don't have to spare him he may end up in jail. And that is not your fault. You can't force his mind you cannot force your son to think or act better. And that makes us as parents feel very powerless. You can as I mentioned, you can stop the flow of money. You can also refuse to clean up his criminal messes that he leaves. You can see that he's pushing awareness. He doesn't want to know that he doesn't want a mirror held up to him. That's why they fake it with psychologists and psychiatrists and he doesn't want to talk to you. I highly recommend a book called inside the criminal mind or if you want before it's too late both by the same author Stanton same now sa me n o w. And I want to just read something criminals look with contempt at the life of responsible people, calling them suckers, slave squares and other less flattering terms. And this author goes on to say although this contempt is evident in both juvenile and adult offenders, I have encountered in the ladder in envy of responsible people, I would not be surprised if you are an honest, upstanding person in your community, a responsible person who's earned your money. I would not be surprised if your son is envious of you. And God help us that he's earning an MBA who knows what he will do with that ticket. I might also be envious of other siblings in the family. So you win this guy when Dr. Stanton same now has interviewed people in jail he's heard them vow that when they get out of their place, they're gonna settle down they're gonna have a good life. And then what they really mean is that they want the trappings of success without ever having to earn it they want the fine home they want the Lexus they want the jewelry, they want the Big Shot positions at work. They want the adoring partner and they don't want to have to earn it so I highly recommend the book. Before it's too late. One of the first things is the child has shaper as his own destiny. You are not to blame if your parent I mean you can tribute it obviously but your child is the ultimate choice maker.

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For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Dr. Kenner.com. And please listen to this ad . . .

Here's an excerpt from the selfish path to romance the serious romance guide book by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co author Dr. Edwin Locke, who is world famous for his theories on goal setting:

Growing up means gaining independence from your parents and setting the terms for your own life. Make it clear, tactfully and firmly that your partner comes first, your parents have no right to expect you to share all their values or spent all your free time with them. If their feelings are hurt by your desire for independence, the fault lies with their unreasonable expectations, not with you. This point applies even more strongly if one or more of the parents or in laws are critical or abusive. Some experts recommend ignoring such abuse or discouraging your partner for standing up to an intrusive or disrespectful parent. We strongly disagree.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com