The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

(this is raw unedited text, computer transcribed directly from the audio, without voice inflection, pauses etc. Sometimes this results in the text implying the opposite of the intended meaning.)

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The Selfish Path to Romance - download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com or at amazon.com.
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Cameron, you're trying to tell if someone's a good match for you or not?

Yeah, yeah.

Tell me a little bit about this person.

We get along great. We're really good friends. Oh, I didn't realize I get awkward. But we've been friends for a long time. We're really close and good friends.

Okay, you're how old? 32? You're 32? And this other person? Male or? Female? Female? Female. Okay. Don't jump to that conclusion. And how old is she? I mean, 30 in the 30s, early 30s

month and a half older than her.

Okay, that's not that's not significant. If they were a big age difference than that would be another issue to consider. And so you guys have been good friends. And when you say good friends, does that mean you're lovers that you're like,

No, no, we're just your good buddies. And yeah, we're able to talk to each other, like for a long, long time. Usually I don't, I'm not able to like, talk to women. For a long, long, you know what I mean?

Okay, so this is interesting. I guess you're not that interested? Or do you feel a little awkward around women?

No, no, no, it just seems like once you get my attention, like, I guess you know what I mean, in what way? And I guess he respects but I think it's not like we don't try to force our opinions on each other.

So you're good listeners. Yeah, I guess, though. And do you have similar values? I mean, if let's just say that one of you this, just say that? It would not, it's not you in this girl. But one, two people are meeting and they listen to one another, but one is a cocaine addict. And the other is a robber. You know, okay, they can listen all they want, but that will never be a match made in heaven. So when you say she was the you both listened to you? Do you share similar values? Yes. What when I say values, what? What are the types of things that you've discovered that you share?

They both I guess they were interesting. We've been through a lot of things. The same things together.

Okay. Give me an example of one or two examples.

We're gonna say see how the phone seems like dating dated a couple days in there, right? I've got no problem with that. And came to me for what I thought. And I told her, No, this is what's going on. Because I guess I can read people really well. I've given her like, what would happen, my opinion? And then sure enough, that happened.

Okay, so she dated someone and but she's not dating you, you, you guys. Oh, let me see if I've got this right. You've become buddies and you want to take the next step. Yeah. And you don't know whether to take that next step or not? Because you don't know if she's the right person for you. And are you also concerned whether she feels that you're the right person for her?

Well, I'm, I'm pretty sure she feels the same way. But we're just as far as like, she's the right person. Okay, let me just attract it to me, but I just, you know, I'm saying

what are your red flags?

I have no red flags.

Okay, that's, that's one good sign. If you told me that she's an alcoholic, or she's, she's got anger management problems. Now there are certain things. Let me let me go through a few things that you would want to watch out for. In any partner. You would want to watch out for lying, obviously. Even little white lies, be careful because if they use them with other people, if it's like, well, I said I was sick at work, but I really wasn't. I saw I stayed out of work. I really wasn't sick. And I told them I never wore the dress when I returned it, but I really did. If they use white lies with other people, guess what? . . .

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Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick and then Ellen will be back.

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Even little white lies. Be careful because if they use them with other people, guess what? They're going to use them with you. Watch out for anger. If there's unrealistic anger. If there's a lot of resentment that's built up that means that the communication isn't open enough. You're telling me that it is at this stage. Watch out for me Watch out for people who don't show any emotions, you know, some people can be just flat. That's not good either. Sometimes it's important to be angry when someone does something wrong to you. I can hear you typing away. That's okay. If she's got bad manners or rude, you know, if you're at a restaurant, and she's she just says, this is terrible, I can't stand this shrimp, you're going to return it and you're going to bring me some new ones and I'm not going to pay for it. You know, that would be a problem. If she's really hooked into her family in ways that just feel in the technical terminology is in mesh squished together. Like they don't leave independent lives. She always has to ask her family for opinions. And it's their lives to to woven together and then she's not ready for a relationship. Oh, yeah. Also money problems. Finances, you know, you need to just watch out for someone that might take advantage of you.

I'm pretty I can pick up on people's lives really well. Yeah. When people are basically honest or not. Yeah. I mean, I usually go my gut instinct. times that I haven't. I'm usually wrong and I kick myself in the rear because they probably should have known I should have went with that.

Okay, well, this instant Are you worried you'll ruin a good friendship with her?

No, I'm not at all. Likely to my definitely knows that. She is the one or like, you know what I mean? Okay. She's

never been married before. No kids.

She was divorced. She's divorced. And her. Again, a part of his husband was really like the soccer. Okay, like trolling?

Okay, he was controlling man. Yeah. Okay. Okay, so she has been married before any children? No, no, any children with you or any marriages before?

I have four children. And my wife

and I and a wife. So obviously ex wife, thank you. And how old are your kids?

11. Four and two years old?

And do you see them very often? Yeah. And what would she say about your kids?

I don't force my kids on her. Okay,

so that's that's a big area that you want to look into Cameron. You know whether

I know how she is. I mean, as far as like. Other she doesn't like kids. There Mike as the relationship goes further than I know, then I would probably bring them into it.

Okay, so you would you would like to take it further. What broke up your first relationship? We just bought a lot. You fought a lot. What do you think will prevent you from fighting with this woman?

Because this is my last month. We only taught

the Okay, okay. But you also had four kids together. It's very busy with four kids. Oh, yeah. But before that, even before the kids, Okay, listen, let me give you a quick list, that you want to make sure that I told you what goes wrong. Just a few different things. You want to make sure that you share good habits together that your attitude towards money is similar, that you feel visible with each other and you said you already do that you've failed, excuse me you feel visible. And also that you have similar personalities that mesh and that you have similar interests and tastes. So you need the moral values of honesty and integrity and you also need the other the other values of just things like sharing hobbies together.

This is Dr. Ellen Kenner and thank you so much for your call Cameron on the rational basis of happiness.

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For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Dr. Kenner.com. And please listen to this ad . . .

Here's an excerpt from the selfish path to romance the serious romance guide book by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co author Dr. Edwin Locke, who is world famous for his theories on goal setting:

White Lies are sometimes used in planning a surprise event but many people do not like surprise events and feel hurt or duped by the white lies that are used to camouflage the surprise consider Sarah's case for a month she saw her partner and her best friend furtively whispering to one another when they were around her. They seem to shun her. When she asked what was up, they conjured various white lies, Sara felt isolated and she worried about her marriage. When she found out that they had been planning a surprise party she was not relieved. The party did not make up for that painful period. She had not enjoyed being tricked, she would have preferred having had some choice and who was invited in the pleasure of looking forward to and helping plan the event.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com