The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

(this is raw unedited text, computer transcribed directly from the audio, without voice inflection, pauses etc. Sometimes this results in the text implying the opposite of the intended meaning.)

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The Selfish Path to Romance - download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com or at amazon.com.
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Here's a question that I received from Joey. Hi, Dr. Kenner. My daughter Kara is getting married soon. I am her biological father. But she wants her stepdad Sam to walk her down the aisle. With with me as well. Her wishes that I would begin walking her down the aisle halfway, and then turn her over to her stepdad the remainder of the way to the altar. I was taken aback, I realize it's her wedding. And I don't want to make her unhappy in any way. She is close to her stepdad and wants to honor him by asking him to be part of the ceremony as well. Why do I feel so put off, she doesn't want to hurt anyone by requesting this of both of us. But still it stings. I'm not a petty person, I can't seem to get past this, at least not at the present time. I'm trying to take a rational position and work through it. I have not said anything to her about this, but just wanted to get your guidance as to how I should approach it, if only in my mind. Sincerely, Joey.

Joey, you know, weddings can be so joyous, and they can be so brought with pain. And this is your daughter, it sounds like she doesn't want to hurt either of you. It sounds like she has a decent enough relationship. I'm assuming a loving one with you that she wants you to be the first one to walk her down the aisle. And she wants to include both parts of her family there her new debt, her new stepdad and you. So why would you feel pain? Let me tell you, I think I would feel pain too if I were in a similar situation. And I would need to do some really hard thinking, to turn that pain into a focus of my joy of my daughter. So one of the reasons that any of us feel pain is to number one, take a careful look at what you're saying to yourself. Listen to yourself. For example, if it's along the lines of something that any of us might feel when we first feel a sting like that, oh, she doesn't love me or she doesn't love me as much as her stepdad Sam, I feel replays. Maybe I wasn't a great dad, maybe I feel like a failure. Or you might have thought she's my daughter, how dare he step in and take away the key moment in her life. I hate him. If you feel if you have thoughts like that, the pain is going to go deep, because number one, you have a self esteem issue. And number two, you're making him into the other guy, the villain, the guy that's coming in and robbing your daughter from you. So you said How does that you wanted some guidance as to how to think about it in your own mind. So if you say something different to yourself and cognitive therapy, we call this reframing putting a better picture frame around it. That's realistic, an alternative explanation that makes sense. If you say to yourself, and if this is true . . .

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An alternative explanation that makes sense. If you say to yourself, and if this is true. I know my daughter Karen loves me. And she also loves her stepdad Sam. Now I want to include just jump in here. She loves you both uniquely, they never go it's never going to be the same. No parent loves all their kids the same. They love them uniquely. So if you say to yourself, I'll go back to this. Mental roleplay I know Cara loves me and she also loves Sam. I know this was a shock to me. I never envisioned that I would have to share giving her away during her wedding. It's okay for me to feel sad as my mind get used to this. I want a good coping strategy. I know I'm not a failure as a dad and I know Kara isn't replacing me I know she loves me. Then you can come up with a better coping strategy. If you have better thoughts like that. If you've reframed it like that, Joey, you can number one, maybe go out and do something fun and interesting with her so you can convince your own mind that you guys are connected it can even be for coffee. It doesn't have to be a full day or a long drawn out thing, but just something that you know, both of you would enjoy. So connecting with her emotionally would help. The second is you want to really reach out to her. You could say something so that it is so that you're getting information from her. You could say Cara, it must have been hard for you to figure out what to do since you love both me. And Sam, your your stepdad helped me understand a bit what your thinking was behind having Sam and I walk you down the aisle, and then be quiet. Just listen to what Kara said, she might have said, Dad, I struggled with it terribly. I really want to just you or she might have said Dad, I didn't know who to go for us whether it should be you or my stepdad. You're both in my life. And I so want both of you without hurting either of you. Somehow hearing the story from her when you don't present it as well. Why did you do that Kara, you know, that's going to hurt me, that would be a terrible way to present it. But if you present it more factually helped me understand you, honey, you may get some information. If you then need to feed her information, you might take a break and sleep on this. But if you feel like it's on your mind, you really need to express something to her Joey, you could say something along the lines. Carrie, I was a bit surprised I hadn't pictured your wedding day that way. I also recognize you have a good relationship. We'll sit with Sam. And I'm going to focus on the joy in the relationship. I'm delighted that you're marrying, and I want to celebrate you. So you shift the focus back to her. Notice. I didn't make a big deal of my surprise. I said I was a bit surprised I hadn't pictured your wedding day that way. That's a very light touch. It's giving her the information. Then you can do one last thing you can play me you can do several more things. But just as starters, keep your focus on what you love about your daughter, all the joy of her growing up over the years. If there are painful parts, just look at it adopt it as opportunities for growth for you. You can have imagery. I mean, I'm not a square dancer. But think of it as a square dancer take her halfway down the aisle and then he takes her the other half. And then you get her again for a dance maybe a father daughter dance, and then he gets her again. And so it becomes you get more of the imagery of joyousness and a trade off rather than he's the competitor that the stepdad is the enemy giving away your daughter halfway during the wedding, you know doing half of it. So enjoy the wedding. I think that's joyous that she's including you and him. Both of you.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Dr. Kenner.com. And please listen to this ad . . .

Here's an excerpt from the selfish path to romance the serious romance guide book by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co author Dr. Edwin Locke, who is world famous for his theories on goal setting:

Telling white lies can be harmful. If your spouse asks, am I too fat, you can first actively listen by reflecting their thoughts. You're concerned about your way. Giving your partner an opportunity to think aloud may help motivate him or her to lose weight. But if your partner actually wants your input tell the truth tactfully. I think you'd feel and look better and be healthier. If you lost some weight. Let me know if you'd like my help. I can stop bringing home all that junk food. White Lies breed distrust. If your partner lies to you, you will naturally wonder if my partner lied about this. What other things has he or she lied about?

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com