The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

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The Selfish Path to Romance - download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com or at amazon.com.
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Janet, welcome to the show.

Thank you.

And you're worried about your grandson. What's going on?

Okay, when his father went to Afghanistan, Afghanistan, and when he returned home, his mother told his father that he didn't want to neither the neither him nor the two siblings. And my son immediately remarried again after six months,

Was it your son that went to Afghanistan?

Yes. And his wife abandoned him when he came back. And she abandoned their one child, a son,

and then two soldiers. The oldest one is had problems. He had very emotional problems. He was things as a psychologist to say was making great strides until his father remarried again. The stepmother brought two children into the marriage with this fabulous children of porn.

She brought how many children into

The stepmother brought two children into the marriage, children.

So tell me the ages the older you are your grandson, the oldest one is how old?

The oldest grandson, his oldest son is 13. And then there's the nine year old,

Okay. And a nine year old, but you also have biological grandchildren. Right? Yeah, yeah, the oldest one, they're eight. He's eight now and you're the other one, the youngest is five is five. And so the problem is with the eight year old or the five year old, eight year old, the eight year old, the eight year old, got all discombobulated, understandably totally messed up. When dad comes home and mom walks out. That's great. And then dad quickly remarries. He doesn't miss a beat. He marries someone that's got two kids.

So you've got a very complicated situation now. So for your for the oldest for your oldest grandchild. He now has two more children to deal with a new mother in quotes he probably doesn't see as a mother. His real mother leaves him and his father was off fighting a war came back and probably pays more attention to this new woman than him or possibly

Exactly. Exactly. Exactly.

So what so your son it what do you think his view your when I say someone your grandson? What do you think your grandson's view of people are?

What did he do unfold in here? The question is what what am I think? Yeah. Like if you grow up in a really wonderful family. Yeah. That's very stable, secure, then, even if dad goes off to the war and comes back and get some help for himself, because to to readjust back to regular civilian life is difficult. But let's say he does a good job. That situation can be difficult. But in your city in this situation is situation. Your son, your grandsons conclusion about people could very well be You can't trust them. They're unstable. You never know what's going to happen and I feel invisible. He may not feel visible are valued. Is that accurate enough?

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Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick and then Ellen will be back.

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While he may not feel visible or valued. Is that accurate or no?

Yeah, exactly.

So tell me what makes it so important that you pick up the phone to call me what's going on right now?

Because right now, when he was six years old, his father placed in in a place called compass in Tennessee, and he was going for seven months because they even kept saying that he wanted to die. Now he was he got out. He was behind a year in school or homeschooling last year he did beautifully. The counseling love that child. I went to the end, my son doesn't sleep with us anymore. I went to the school the other day and Ethan had been withdrawn and placed in a psychiatric unit in Georgia. And my son is so hostile to us. I went to school, that he was doing beautifully there that his father was doing for medical races. And

Okay, I just missed the last part. Let me sum up what I'm hearing so far, Janet, which is that you adore this boy, this poor boy is what's his name? am Evan Ethan Ethan II that Ethan is dear to your heart enough that you invested a full year in homeschooling him? Yeah. So you are interested in his mind, you're interested in him as a person,

I would get out to give him a lifeline.

It is so you love him that much. This is this is he sounds like he's more dear to you than your son. Would that be true? And he is. He is okay, what's bringing out the tears?

I don't know what we need to do. I believe some mothers have sabotaged this channel. And I believe I can tell the psychiatrists anything. The school told me that she wanted to know every when Ethan was enrolled in school this year that he wanted to know everything that he had done wrong, not concentrating on anything that he had done, right? Yeah. And when I found students, he was afraid to go home. And he would say, Please don't tell him I was bad today, or whatever he'd done. And he kept telling me, why did you not? Why did you call them? And why did you call him and tell him I had done something bad? And I kept saying no, I would not do that. I'll tell you before I call your parents. Now this towel is bought away.

He's locked away in Georgia in a psychiatric unit and you have no access or you do have?

No we have no debt.

Can you write anything to him? Can you correspond by cards or by email or any other I would definitely try to keep contact for your own sake. And for for his sake, I would also try to write up a note to your son, I would get therapy for yourself, first of all, because oh my god, you need someone to talk to this is a huge loss in your life. I know when I worked with abused children, then I became so attached to some of them. And to watch them be sent back to their home where the abuse was still going on. Whether it was psychological or physical, was torture for me. But if the judge makes that decision, I have no choice as a therapist. This is in your own family, you're going through this. So I would try to reach out it make it a relationship between you and your grandson. It's within the limits of the law, do whatever you can to maintain some contact because I think you're his lifeline. I think it's real sad that you feel like you lost your son too. And I think that if you could write a letter, an assertive letter, not aggressive, not angry, not you did this, you did that attacking because he'll just throw the letter away. But I think if you could reach out to him, that that that will help you to you know that that at least you're doing what you can to reach out to him I'd work with a therapist on that. You can go to my website, Dr. kenner.com. And look up for a therapist try to get a cognitive therapist, the Academy of cte.org There's a link there. So go to my website and try to get yourself some help. There's also a book how to talk so kids will learn that may help. There are other books on my website that are very good. So thank you so very much for your call Janet. Hope you can stay connected.

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For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Dr. Kenner.com. And please listen to this ad . . .

Here's an excerpt from the selfish path to romance the serious romance guide book by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co author Dr. Edwin Locke, who is world famous for his theories on goal setting:

A big romance destroyer is emotional repression, which is a psychological defense mechanism that prevents painful emotions from entering into conscious awareness through a standing order to your subconscious. Don't feel this works in the narrow sense in that is possible to not let yourself feel emotions. The result however, is the deadening of your emotional vibrancy. The mechanism of repression is a Trojan horse it seems to benefit you but in the end it works against you. Why? Because the standing order don't feel cannot discriminate between positive and negative emotions. It can only block emotional responsiveness as such. Thus a repressed person becomes an emotional cripple who cannot fully experience feelings and therefore does not show much emotion at all.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com