The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

(this is raw unedited text, computer transcribed directly from the audio, without voice inflection, pauses etc. Sometimes this results in the text implying the opposite of the intended meaning.)

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The Selfish Path to Romance - download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com or at amazon.com.
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And here's a question I received from somebody who is in India. Hello, Dr. Kenner. Recently, I learned that my childhood friend who is now 50 years old, a happily married father of two is a deeply closeted homosexual, should I confront him, warn his wife, or leave it alone. I realized that in our country, India, being gay is a taboo, and was even more so when we were kids. My friend probably repressed his orientation, or was not fully aware of it before marriage. From all accounts, my friend and his wife still have a great married life. They spend time together and they act romantically. Please advise regards, Origin.

So Origin, it's a funny situation. Because I'm, it's understandable that you're concerned about it. Because I would be upset if I heard that someone was deceiving their wife. And then I have the question, Am I certain? And what business? Is it of mine? It is his private life, your friends, and it is their marriage, it's their private life. So there is some possibilities here. What if you have the wrong information? I mean, that would be awful. Especially if you say it's very difficult in India to come out if you are gay. The second point is maybe his wife knows about it knows the bind that he's in. And between the two of them, she accepts it, it may not be what you do, but she may be okay with it, and you're bringing it to this big attention might feel very mettlesome to them. And maybe you have only partial information, maybe you don't know the full context of the situation, even if it's partly accurate. So from my perspective, I would say

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Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick and then Ellen will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is - the selfish path to romance. A serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfish romance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Hmm, the selfish path to romance. That is interesting.
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So from my perspective, I would say it is it is their life together. And as you say, the consequences of being openly gay in India could be huge for him. Imagine your friend losing a job, or being shunned from his family, or being I don't know what the consequences are. And if his wife were on his side, supportive of him and accepting of this, what damage could it do? A lot. So if it was your best best buddy, you might just say, hey, hey, bud, I learned this, or I saw this, or I found this Oh, tell me more. If he's a more distant friend, it is definitely understandable that you would be alarmed that he may be deceiving his wife. I mean, that's the big thing that leaps out at me. And if you were in America, and he were very close to you, for example, let's say that I discovered that my brother in law was cheating on my sister, either with another woman or another man, I would want to tell my sister, there is no question about that, because I value her tremendously. And if I know the information is accurate, I want to protect her. And if she says, You know, I already know about it, I'm okay with it, then I would shut my mouth, and it's their private life.

If it's a more dif distant friend, it is not my business to meddle in their private lives. And it's very possible that I don't have as I mentioned, the full context. It is their private life. And it may be painful to watch from the outside, I would pay for my own choice in this situation is it's really not my business. It's their business. And if I find out more information that he's infecting his wife with AIDS or something else, man, I'm going to that's going to change the situation. But at this point, if I don't have that data, I'm going to let them have their private life.

Now again, you might have a wider context than I have, and it may change your decision. And it may even have changed mine. If I had that information. I only have I'm only going on what you told me.

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So here's a very different question. This is from Mitch, it's Hi, Dr. Kenner. I was together with Patty for seven years and then engaged her, I cheated on her, she suffered and I broke her heart. I cannot forgive myself. Since then I can't be in a loving relationship. Every time I'm in a relationship, I feel like I have to pay back for what I did, or sacrifice something. And it's even worse. I know that I can manipulate women, and I don't have any male friends. When something goes wrong, my strategy is to run away, it is the easiest thing for me to do. I'm going to come back to that. See if it's easy psychologically, I can't deal with a solve the problem. I can't settle down. I'm afraid of commitment. I can't say what I want triple exclamation point. I'm living in the past. I can't accept it and move on. When I'm feeling down, I start drinking and that cures everything. That's my second point. Is this the easiest thing to do? And just drinking cure everything. And then Mitch continues, I'm scared of big crowds of people. But I'm not scared of going by myself to the jungle and meeting people in Africa. I really want to accept myself and for people to accept me. Please help. Exclamation point help us in caps.

So Mitch, I don't think that the easy I'm fact i It's not only that, I don't think running away from your problems is not the easiest way to cope. It is the hardest because you are destroying your character. In the interim. It's the most tortured way to cope, because you're pushing important information out of your awareness, you are evading, running away, adds another layer. You're swimming in earned guilt from the choices in your past. How do you properly deal with this? Well, first, you need to understand yourself, you want to ask yourself questions such as, why do I manipulate? Why did I cheat? What thought processes do I have?

And I highly recommend a book that I wrote with Dr. Ed Locke, the selfish path to romance, you can get it at my website, Dr. kenner.com. It's self valuing. It's not the mean selfishness that people think of it's truly genuinely self esteem, building self esteem. And you could check out the part that's making yourself lovable. If you fundamentally feel down about yourself, and it's based on facts. Don't run away. It doesn't surprise me that you don't have close friends, male or female, because the closer they get to you, the more they know you, the more you're going to feel exposed, you have to keep people at arm's length. And this is a tortured existence, it isn't the easiest way. So you want to turn your life around, you first need to learn how to earn your self esteem, how to make yourself lovable, you will be the first beneficiary and you won't have to run your whole life and you don't have to abuse alcohol. And that whole idea of dreaming of running to Africa, you're not going to that's not going to work because even if you run away, you can't hide. You are still going to be aware of your past so it's better to take the genuinely easier route. Get some professional help, you can go to the Academy of CBT cognitive therapy.org and start valuing yourself, you're going to win.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Dr. Kenner.com. And please listen to this ad . . .

Here's an excerpt from the selfish path to romance the serious romance guide book by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co author Dr. Edwin Locke, who is world famous for his theories on goal setting:

If you're prone to expressing anger during an argument, a more effective way to argue is to do so on paper. If you're prone to angry outbursts. Try writing a note to your partner being careful to limit your frustration to the current issue. Keep the notes short a paragraph or two. Here's what Aaron might write. I'm angry that you spent money on clothes when we need that money to pay for the rent. We agreed to keep to our budget, he could leave the note on the kitchen table. Jane may then respond on paper. I feel so bad that I ignored a budget I bought the outfits on a whim. I'll return them tomorrow. Sometimes writing down your thoughts allows you time to express yourself assertively and helps break a pattern of face to face heated destructive arguments.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com