The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

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The Selfish Path to Romance - download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com or at amazon.com.
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Brian, you have a relationship you feel you messed up a bit?

Yeah, yes, it's kind of a winding road but I'll try to be quick and I appreciate you taking my call. Okay. About four and a half years ago my wife and I decided that the relationship wasn't really working we were wasn't anything hostile but we had really become more like roommates or friends and husband and wife that and decided to end it however, I did not move out. Initially, we both realized that this that it was there was going to end in a divorce but for financial reasons, I just wasn't able to go out and get my own place and pay pay my own bills. They I was staying with her. About six months after that I met somebody and selfishly neglected to tell her that I was married. I was you know, married had three children.

Okay, how long have you been married? Brian?

Yeah, see, now it's been 10 years. Okay. 10 years, but I'm like, Okay, I've met this person, but this just gonna be a fling. I'm gonna have fun. Yeah, no reason. No reason to tell her because if I tell her Oh, well, she's not gonna she's not gonna deal with me. Obviously, just terrible thing to do anyway, after about three months of finagling that that charade, I realized that I was really going to have feelings for this. This woman, this mistress, this girlfriend, and well, I have to be honest, because this isn't going to go any I can't continue to lie and lead this double life. I'm going to have to just pay clean, right? So I did. I told her I'm married. I have three kids that of course, she was terribly upset with anger. She said, this isn't going to work. You know? I, for a time there, I kind of told her listen, just give me a chance. I'm going to get a divorce. Just give me a chance. And she did when she eventually came back to me. We started going out again. Everything was fine. Then maybe a year into that. I was still living. I was still living with my wife.

And the kids? Were the kids grown by that time/

No, no. So yeah.

9 7 3

That's what age they are now. That's what age they are now. Okay. And your wife knew that you were dating?

Yeah, yes. She knew that. It wasn't anything where I put it in her face. But she realized that the relationship was over. And as long as I was in, you know, as long as I was being a responsible dad and being a good dad and being there for my kids and taking care of those responsibilities. That was that was okay.

Okay. And was she dating too? She is now in the judicial, so you're not having any problems with her. You're having problems with yourself and with the woman that you lied to?

Yes. Where I originally lied to her. Eventually, I did move out. I moved out, okay, my home and moved in with the girlfriend. Okay. And everything was still going well, however, I wasn't pressing for the divorce. In other words, I wasn't going to get the papers. I wasn't trying to fight them. Like in the back of my mind. I'm like, this is going to happen. Right. I know it's over. But in the back of the girlfriend's mind, I think that was bothering her. The second thing was . . .

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Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick and then Ellen will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is - the selfish path to romance. A serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfish romance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Hmm, the selfish path to romance. That is interesting.
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The second thing was when I did move in, I said, Listen, I'll chip in with rent, I'll help pay bills. I don't just want to be here and, and not do anything I want to contribute. Whereas I was living there. I wasn't the disposable income that I had. I want us on us doing things. Going out to dinner. I was going to

say you couldn't contribute to the household.

Like I told her that I would I was being responsible. I said I would Okay, let's go do something in it. And that also ended up building resentment, right? He was she had dropped hints that money was tight. At one point, she said that she might have to move back with her mom and I replied, you know, a bad reply said Well, if that's what you I have to do I understand you can do it instead of saying, I'll get a second job, or what can I do to do that?

Right? And where are you now? Just for the sake of time? Where are you now? And what is the main question that you have?

The main question is that came to it six weeks ago, she confronted me about a bill or needing to do something, and I snapped at her. And we had an argument and she said, Then she threw me out. Okay. And I begged and pleaded for a couple of weeks after that, no, no response. And then for the past month, I just, you know, haven't want to do it Neuer. So I haven't done anything, right. So I'm just wondering, is it hopeless, after the fact something I should have been doing all along, I went to the courthouse, I got all the papers, and filling out all the paperwork now make the divorce to do something I should have done a long time ago, but was complacent about I'm trying to do that. But I, I'm just, I'm heartbroken.

I know, I hear that. And I think that, if you're, if you're able to take the wider angle view of this, and to see that there is a pattern in what you're doing, that's biting you in the butt all the time. And that's that you're not being good to yourself, you're when you try to fake reality, reality always wins. Brian, always. And so if you are living that either during the period, when you were living the double life, it's you're living a living hell, because you have to keep all the details from both life straight. I mean, you have three kids, you don't want to wake up in the middle of the night and mention one of your kids or be worried about it, you know, you're you're putting your own mind at risk. It's it's so so painful. And I don't need to tell you that because you've done it. You know, you've been there firsthand, when you do something like that. And you realize that you want to not put yourself in that situation again, you want to figure out what went wrong. Why? What was the moment? What was your thinking around? Why and when you're not going to be able to answer it on here, because we don't have the time. But why did I choose to live the double life to live the lie? And why did I continue it? And what would I do next time you want to prime yourself conscious with better decisions for next time. And then when you said you chip in for the rent and didn't follow through on that the number one person you're hurting Brian is yourself. And if to value yourself, you don't want it, you know, it looks good to bring her out to dinner. But it isn't good in the long run. Or even in the short, long run, if you know what I mean. So and then if you snapped at her, are you still there? Brian? Yes, yeah. Okay. And if you snapped at her, that's another moment. I mean, you you could go into therapy therapy for this just so you could learn thinking skills, I would recommend cognitive therapy, because you would I if I snapped at my kids or my husband, you know, we have the benefit of having snapped in the past and learned a lot of good skills. Now. I would want to look at that. What was the trigger for me that made me snap. So you could look at that in terms of the relationship. My suggestion is for you to really value yourself first to have a good relationship with yourself and whether or not she comes back is her choice. You'll be making yourself better so you don't have to go groveling for her. And she's you know, the Trust has already been broken there a few times. So you may need to let her go and move on. But really work on yourself. Listen, thank you so much for your call. Brian.

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For more Dr. Kenner podcasts go to DrKenner.com. And please listen to this ad . . .

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co author Dr. Edwin Locke, who is world famous for his theories on goal setting . . .

A difficult problem for those who hold justified resentments is what and how to forgive. By Forgive We Do not mean that you should forget the unjust act. You may never erase what happened from your memory, but you may be able to put the injustice into the full context of your total relationship history and what your partner did after hurting you. That is how will your partner repaired the damage? Forgiveness also means moving forward do not hold a past injustice against your partner as a chronic grating irritant provided you've sufficiently resolved the problem. But be aware that many hurtful partners use this moving on argument to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. For example, can you just put my effort airs in the past and move on.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com